A Rose by Any Other Name…

I like to think that as far as brides go, I’m pretty easy-going. However, there is one wedding-related thing that is causing me a lot of agita. To those of you who were able to make this decision without much stress, I envy you so much. It’s one of those questions that doesn’t have one particular right answer, just a lot of choices that may or may not be right for me.

Bees, what the heck do I do with my last name? Just thinking about it makes me freak out a little.

filly

Screencap via SodaHead

I understand the tradition here in the US is to take your husband’s last name. Frankly, the history behind the tradition makes me a little uncomfortable—I’m an independent woman, not chattel, etc. At the same time, wouldn’t it be nice if Stallion and I, as our own family unit, shared a common name? I don’t know. Hence this post.

Here’s the thing: I like my name. I’ve had it for 25 years; it fits me well. It sounds good with my first name, it’s easy to spell, and people constantly call me by my last name or by my initials. I have two sisters; assuming we all get married and change our names, we have no one left to carry on the family name. I never understood how your name could feel like a part of your identity until I had to consider the possibility of giving it up.

Stallion’s last name is longer, clunkier, and harder to spell than my last name. It doesn’t flow as well with my first name. Not to mention all the headaches involved with a name change—administrative red tape, financial costs, a new signature, a new email address”¦you guys, the agita is starting up again.

A lot of the more modern (and frankly, awesome) last name options aren’t a good fit for us. Stallion is in academia; he’s got a pretty good publishing history, and his name carries weight in his field. So the options that I was more comfortable with, like us creating a new last name, are off the table. Whereas I am a nobody from nowhere and everyone at work knows who I am anyway, so changing my name won’t make any difference for me professionally. That said, I know plenty of successful, kick-ass women who changed their names, and just as many successful, kick-ass women who chose to keep their names.

As far as I can tell, here are my options:

  1. Keeping my name. Pros: requires no effort, would make me happiest (for now). Cons: the only real con to this is, down the line, things may get complicated if Stallion and I start a family—it’s important to both of us to have the same last name as any hypothetical future children. Also, given that it’s still not thaaat common to keep your name, I’d probably get the dreaded side eye from some people.
  2. Hyphenating. Pros: seems to be the “best of both worlds” scenario—I keep my name, plus take Stallion’s. Cons: I would have a loooooong last name.
  3. Keeping my name legally/going by Stallion’s name socially/some permutation of these. As an easily confused person, this will never work for me—I’ve got to go all in one way or the other.
  4. Taking Stallion’s name. Pros: we’d share a name, presenting us as a “team” to the outside world. I could make my maiden name my middle name to maintain the connection to my family. Cons: everything else—the idea of the tradition bugs me, and even with the maiden-name-as-middle-name compromise, I still feel like I’m giving up something important to me.
  5. Creating a new family name. In a perfect world, we’d do this, but like I mentioned above, this could hurt Stallion professionally, so this option is off the table. As is Stallion taking my name. Sad face.

So now I’m right back where I started at the beginning of this post—clueless and frustrated with my cluelessness.

tumblr_inline_mr7sv3nW6H1qz4rgp

GIF via Hollywood

Here’s the thing. I don’t think there is a wrong solution to this dilemma—everyone should do what feels right to them. Problem is, I don’t know what’s right for me. Thankfully, I still have some time to get it figured out.

How did you solve the name conundrum? Was it even a conundrum for you? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? (Yes.)

BLOGGER

Mrs. Filly

Location:
Boston, MA
Wedding Date:
April 2014
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comments

  1. Member
    msmeow 1951 posts, Buzzing bee @ 12:20 pm

    Actually, I don’t think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, it’s huge decision. It’s always bothered me to no end that I was half-expected to completely change my identity for no other reason than not having a you-know-what. I’ll be hyphenating my names (First Maiden-Married) and my SO was over the moon with joy that I was even prepared to throw his name into the mix. In contrast, a friend’s husband told her he would only marry her if she took his last name! Yikes.
    If it makes you feel any better, length isn’t the worst thing that can happen when you have two last names, we both have “bird” last names so you can imagine how funny my name will sound! If someone is rude about it, I’ll just tell them to talk to the feathers! :p

  2. Member
    lynnielou33193 589 posts, Busy bee @ 12:35 pm

    This is another thing we are having issues with too– I am in the same boat you are (the last with the name) but my name is not easy or short. His is relatively easy/short but he has no connection to it since his dad left when he was a week old. For us to change his name it would cost us about $300 at least… lost and confused

  3. Guest Icon Guest
    stealinghoney, Guest @ 12:39 pm

    One option is to keep your name, and give any future children your last name as a middle name. We did that and if you look at our daughter’s full name you can see my name there. So, when looking at passports and such, it is clear that she is mine and it is clear who her father is. The downside to this is that you lose a middle name option – we were going to have two middle names, but one got taken up by my last name. So we only got to choose one pretty middle name. (Nothing wrong with my last name, but it just isn’t as lyrical as Katie, or Samantha, or something.)

  4. Member
    lotto 789 posts, Busy bee @ 12:46 pm

    I felt exactly the same way that you do, except for the fact that I have brothers who have sons so its not about passing it on. I decided to keep my name, because I figured it is much much easier to change it at some future date than to regret my choice and create lots of post wedding drama. Two months later and I am super happy with my choice!

    Our children will have my name as a middle name and I’m sure it will all work out. All of my friends whose mother’s didn’t change their names insisted that they never had any trouble at all.

  5. Member
    mylittleviolett 2124 posts, Buzzing bee @ 1:04 pm

    This might sound lame but every since I decided I wanted to marry my husband I just wanted to have his last name. To me, it’s romantic in some kind of way. Also, I wasn’t attached to my last name and I didn’t particularly like it.

  6. Guest Icon Guest
    southern bell, Guest @ 1:51 pm

    Or a southern tradition in the US is for women to change their middle name to their maiden name and take their husbands last name…which is what I have decided to do since I’m not really attached to my middle name.

  7. Member
    raziel1687 445 posts, Helper bee @ 1:53 pm

    I think your problem is, is that you have too many “options,” just assume there is only one option. (To take your husband’s last name). And that solves your problem. You can’t complain if there is only one way to go. But…. I can definitely see the arguments to every side. In my case, changing my last name will almost essentially change the pronunciation of my first, because my FI is Spanish, and my first name is very unique and strange, and is spelled with a J, and even some people have already pronounced the “J” with an “H” sound with my very common English last name. But to me, if you are a very independent woman who couldn’t stand to take her husband’s last name, I personally don’t see what the purpose of marrying the guy. I don’t see the point of being half-way traditional.

  8. Member
    chelle-lee 236 posts, Helper bee @ 1:53 pm

    For me, taking his last name was part of marrying him, a completion to the ceremony, the icing on the cake. I’m not loosing my identity, but gaining a new identity- a wife, homemaker, lover.

    On a different standpoint- I work at a bank and the hyphenated name is the hardest ones to look up if you don’t have your account number & the most painful ones to file away paperwork. Also- what am I supposed to call you? Mrs. Mynamewasalreadytoolong-Independantperson? I don’t even know which one to say, or am I supposed to say both? And then there is the one who keeps your own last name- No I have no issues with you keeping your last name. Yay you. Don’t get mad at me because I was unaware you were married. People get joint accounts before they are married. I didn’t get the invitation. Your not as fly as Kim Kardashian and TMZ didn’t send out the memo. Just saying, I think these are some things that people may think about.

  9. Member
    chelle-lee 236 posts, Helper bee @ 1:54 pm

    *may not think about.

  10. Member
    hourthyme 558 posts, Busy bee @ 3:14 pm

    I hear ya, Im having a lot of thoughts about this too…

    1. I am Latina, FI is white. My last name is Gonzalez –I’l just put it out there bc it’s so darn common! FI’s name is very standard American, as ubiquitous as “Smith” In changing my name you will no longer be able to immediately tell I am Latina

    2. I have a doctorate and am a practicing clinician. I specialize in treatment for bilingual families. People looking for a bilingual psychologist will choose Gonzalez over Smith, even if I note that I’m bilingual. People are less enthusiastic about non-native spanish speaking therapists bc of the nature of our work.

    3. I currently have a hyphenated last name. I freaking hate having two names…. Wanted to just have one.

    4. I always wanted my kids to have the same name as I do

    5. I am not really cool with FI taking my last name, either is he.

    6. We don’t want to choose a new name and bc of 1&2 it wouldnt help anyway…

    7. I co-own a business which has the name Gonzalez in it.

    8. Gosh darn it, my name is part of my identity!

    Sooooo what to do? I think I’m going to do a “Gonzalez-”Smith” and maybe use Gonzalez as my kid’s middle name even though it will mean less choices and Gonzalez is sooo not a pretty name… ick… so many choices.

  11. Guest Icon Guest
    Colleen, Guest @ 3:18 pm

    It will seem strange to change your name, but is it really your name to begin with? Did you choose it in the first place? Honestly – it’s only your name now because it was your father’s. You’re already changing your identity by becoming a wife and forming a new family – why not go all in?

  12. Member
    cakeyp 2562 posts, Sugar bee @ 3:32 pm

    I am not particularly attached to my current surname. I consider it and my future surname to be on the same playing field – both: are difficult to spell, have the same amount of syllables, do not go with my given name, full of vowel (why vowels!?), and mean about the same to me at this moment.
    Not only do I want to have the same last name as my kids (not terribly important, my mom doesn’t but people know – we look the same) but I want to give this new surname a chance to grow on me and become something I love (and chose myself!) rather than something I was born with and was required to have.

    I think that – should I keep my name and change my mind down the line – it will be difficult to overcome after 5, 10+ years of defending the choice to keep my name. I am stubborn, and I know myself – I would become my own biggest hurdle in that choice.
    So I’m going to give myself the chance to grow into it now, and I think that the worst regret I could have in taking it is if our marriage doesn’t work out (always a possibility, but something I’m trying to avoid haha)
    And spelling it to everyone.
    But that’s nothing new.

  13. Guest Icon Guest
    Anna B, Guest @ 3:33 pm

    @raziel1687: Sorry but I do not think that it is fair to compare the tradition of marrying with the tradition of taking a man’s (or any partner’s) last name. The desire to marry someone is a tradition, yes, but it has many legal, societal, and emotional benefits. Taking a man’s last name at marriage is a cultural practice that is separate from wanting to become a partner in life and love to someone else.

  14. Member
    stephanie1989 268 posts, Helper bee @ 3:34 pm

    Another option, one which is a tradition in my family actually is to keep your last name as part of your middle name.

    For example:

    Jane Marie Brown marries John Smith

    The name changes to Jane Marie Brown Smith, but she goes by Jane Smith.

    Just an idea! Thought I would share what I’m doing and perhaps make your decision harder by giving you another options. I don’t think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill though, it is a huge decision and it should feel right to YOU! Good luck!

  15. Member
    cakeyp 2562 posts, Sugar bee @ 3:43 pm

    @raziel1687: Wow! Oh my goodness… you’re discrediting her whole relationship based on deciding whether or not to take his last name??
    This isn’t a take-it-or-leave-it issue in most relationships. In it’s own way, it’s nice that you only had one “option”, but for others that choice isn’t so cut and dry.

    It’s not a helpful comment to tell someone to not marry a person over the VERY common conflict of taking a new surname.

  16. Member
    Blondie2014 285 posts, Helper bee @ 4:05 pm

    For me, it’s not a huge dilemma. I’m not currently attached to my surname as my mom gave us her married surname even though her husband was not our father (they were separated at the time of our (my brothers’ and my conception, birth.. ect). She just never changed it back to her maiden name and thought it would be easier for all 4 of us to have the same last name instead of my sister having her dads, my mom having her maiden, and my brother and I having her maiden or our dads last name.

    So in reality, I can really care less about my surname. Yes its been my name for the last 25 years, but I’m actually looking forward to the change. I think it’s a new start for me, and for my future family, and something that joins us together as a team.

    I can understand why it is hard for you. Just do what’s right for you. IMO, I think you should hyphenate or make your maiden name a part of your middle name. Sure your name might be long, but you’ll get to have the best of both worlds I believe:)

  17. Member
    debeachgirl 742 posts, Busy bee @ 4:31 pm

    For most of my 20s I knew I was keeping my name. Then I began dating my now husband. As the years went by I knew I wanted to take his name. I planned to drop my middle and move my maiden over. That used to be no problem in de. Actually ss did it. Then DMV said no per ss. Cue crying they said my choices were court to legally change hyphen or just drop maiden. I was so upset I wanted to keep maiden. My mom and husband convinced me it was my name for life and it should be exactly as I wanted so a lot of money and more trips to dmv ss and court I got what I wanted. It’s not for everyone ad 9 months later I still say my name wrong. I got my new signature down though. I still get called my my maiden name and nick names included with it. My husband always introduces me bt my maiden name. I just changed jobs and everyone there knows me just by my married name. I still have my maiden name very much a part of me. It also carries a lot of weight locally. But I love having the same name as my husband. Even if it’s common and my maiden name was unique. At least people can pronounce his. So all this rambling amounts to its your name for life it should be just what you want. And there are pros and cons to both.

    PS welcome my fellow beach lover just across the bay and a ferry ride away (well from your wedding location)

  18. Guest Icon Guest
    Ana in Boston, Guest @ 7:01 pm

    @raziel1687: @raziel1687:

    Agree with pp that it’s ludicrous to discount her entire relationship because she is unsure about whether or not to change her name.

    And let’s reverse the genders in the situation. Should your husband not marry you if he is unwilling to take your name? C’mon, ladies! Let’s show each other some respect here!

    Complex issues like this one require complex discussion and tolerance of ambiguity.

  19. Member
    bluebelle23 854 posts, Busy bee @ 8:04 pm

    I always assumed I’d take my husband’s name. Never considered any other options. But I really still am going through a mourning period. It’s been hard. Ive changed my SS card, not not my license yet. Idk what to tell you…. Just be prepared to take some adjustment time!

  20. Member
    maribee 8 posts, Newbee @ 9:42 pm

    This subject irritates me to no end, but it’s way more important to my FI that I have his name than it really is to me to not have it. I’ve decided that I’m keeping all my names, no hyphens – both my middle now and my maiden as my middle names. That way I get to keep me (as well as my middle name, which I love) and also join his family. I think the tradition is outdated and I sort of hate it, but it’s really important to him and I do want to have the same last name, I just don’t see why it has to be the guy’s.

    It’d be cool if we could do what they do in spanish speaking countries – each spouse keeps their last name and the children get both. They then pass on the paternal name to their children so it’s not an endless string of hyphens.

  21. Member
    thebestisyettocome 57 posts, Worker bee @ 10:35 pm

    Of course this issue is important! And yes you have options, that is the great thing! My solution in this conundrum is “solved” for me, I live in Mexico. The norm here is 2 legal last names, so: firstname middlename paternallastname maternallastname. After marriage the wife may be referred to as full name + “de” husband’slastname, but only in social context, no one changes their name legally. See why Hispanics have notoriously long names? And so all kids have both their mom’s and dad’s last name.
    But this whole “ you need the same last name to be a family” issue seems kind of lost on me. Your grandkids most likely won’t have your last name. To be a family, you just need to be a family. For reference, I grew up in the states, my mom never changed her name and I didn’t feel like she wasn’t part of the family.
    I could go on about this, because really!! This is important!! And for most of us, this decision isn’t an easy one, even if going the traditional route!!! So my short answer is no, I will not change my name. Dreaded side eye? Pff. The opinions of strangers don’t rank high on my list of “stuff I care about”.
    I just hope you find a path both you and your hubby are happy with. And you know….leave as is and see how I feel about it in a year is also an option. Just sayin’

  22. Member
    bahamutangel 88 posts, Worker bee @ 6:53 am

    Mine was a decision of convenience. It was a bit sad to drop my lengthy, well-regarded (at least in our town) Italian last name. I gained an easy-to-say, easy-to-spell Irish last name. To be honest, I couldn’t properly pronounce my maiden name until I was nearly 20, so not having to say it out loud for orders, bank accounts…anything…is a blessing. If my husband happened to be Greek or Polish, I probably would have kept my Italian last name. My last name is not my identity, my actions, thoughts, and feelings are.

  23. Guest Icon Guest
    Elise, Guest @ 7:11 am

    Hey there! I can so feel with you!

    For a long time I have hated my last name and it was always clear I would adopt my husband’s name. Now, that it is actually becoming real, I am completely terrified. Actually I have begun to like my edgy last name. And after all this is and has always been me. I already visualize myself crying at the night of my civil wedding, realizing that I am now “assimilated” being someone else and not EVER wearing “my” name again. Also it somehow provokes me that everybody in my evironment seems to expect that we share a common last name – HIS. When we told my future mother in law that we were getting married, she did not ask: what will you do about your last names, she told me: oh please don’t hyphenate, just choose his last name. As if having my last name as a common family name wasn’t even an option.

    By boyfriend was so sad when I opened to him that I was considering keeping my name and that is was a really tough decision for me.

    Frankly, I think your options are all valid. I do not really see THAT big of an issue with his career. He can still hyphenate or just change his name and put it in his CV that he used to be called X.

    After all I have a PhD too and I know tons of other people in academia who have changed their names in the course of their publishing career without any problems (yes, most of them are women but why should that make any difference). So I don’t at all agree to your point that changing his name is off the table for professional reasons. This guy does not even have a PhD yet…

    I have to say I kind of envy you guys in the states! Adopting a completely new family name or chose a last name as a middle name for kids would not be an option here in Germany by law. I like these ideas.

    Anyway, I have more or less decided in the mean time that I will probably take his last name. Either now or maybe delay it until we have children. But I will keep on telling people that I do not know yet for a while, just to get them thinking a little, that former time “defaults” are no longer valid…

  24. Member
    SamanthaMarie89 168 posts, Blushing bee @ 7:51 am

    I’m assuming your current last name is your father’s, and it was his father’s, and so on and so forth. So really, if the whole thing doesn’t settle well with you about taking your husband’s last name because it frustrates your inner feminist (which is awesome), that’s exactly how you came to have your last name now. It’s a shame that we don’t reside in a matriarchal society, especially where lineage is concerned. They didn’t have DNA testing way back when, but you always knew who your mother was! As for having different last names than your children, my mother has never had the same last name as me and it has never negatively affected me. Just my thoughts!

  25. Member
    dachshunddoc 37 posts, Newbee @ 8:40 am

    I had some internal debate going on about this as well. My fiance and I are both physicians, both with publications and we are in the process of establishing ourselves in our respective programs etc etc. My nickname also is a combo of parts of my first and last names – it’s even used around the hospital by friends in residency, the nurses, and my program director. I decided to take my soon-to-be husband’s name as my last name because it’s very important to me to identify with my children and have that cohesive unit one day. I am making my last name into my middle name and dropping my current middle name. I figure that way I can still go by my nickname! And I’ll be honest, I’m down with this plan also because my husband has a pretty last name or else it might have been harder to choose! He also is Latino, and fortunately I speak Spanish (err, enough anyway) because patients definitely will have higher expectations for me now with this new name in the bilingual communication department!

  26. Member
    Miss_Mimosa 190 posts, Blushing bee @ 5:22 pm

    When the time comes you will know what feels right for your and your future hubby! And whatever you decide on will be the right decision for you and Stallion. Don’t let the side looks people give change what the two of you feel right. My boyfriend wants me to take his last name and I don’t feel strongly about my last name so I am happy to please him, but you better believe if I didn’t have brothers or LOVED my last name it would be a negotiation. Talk to Stallion he might have some insight that will help you.

  27. Member
    mswaterfall 1403 posts, Bumble bee @ 5:40 pm

    Luckily for me, that choice was made for me by the State because it’s actually illegal in QC to take your husband’s name (I posted about it a while back). But I totally understand why you would feel overwhelmed. In the end, it’s all about what works for you and Stallion, so good luck!

  28. Guest Icon Guest
    Violet, Guest @ 3:21 am

    Hey just an idea but why don’t you both change to something new (or he can take yours) and he could just use his old name as a pen name and introduce himself as such when in a professional capacity? Not sure if that’s an option but just an idea…

  29. Member
    pearl86 4 posts, Wannabee @ 10:10 am

    This is something that I have thought quite a bit about and not yet resolved. Like others have said, there is something nice about being a family unit with the same name, but it obviously requires a change on the part of one or both people. My fiance and I are both proud to be feminists and I feel lucky (albeit frustrated that it’s not more common) that we’ve had a ton of conversations about gender roles and expectations. In a conversation on names, he offered to take my last name. Mine is Polish, so it’s harder to spell and say, but much more unique than his, which is one of the most common names in America. I’m more attached to the name, and also to my family history. My grandfather defended Warsaw during WWII, and our family growing up kept a number of European traditions. Regarding publications, he viewsit as a benefit that his name would be easier to search for with my last name, since his first is also quite common. I’m really glad he offered this, because I know I would find it difficult to change this part of my identity, even though marriage is about creating a new family and identity. I just wish that more people would be open to all solutions to last names, and get away from the default expectation.

  30. Member
    mstreasure 1655 posts, Bumble bee @ 12:46 pm

    What about keeping your maiden name for now and deciding what you want to do once kids are part of the equation? I read somewhere that Sarah Michelle Gellar surprised Freddie Prinze, Jr. on their 10th anniversary (or something like that) by changing her last name.

    I changed my last name, but have two middle names (middle and maiden).

  31. Member
    daniellekira 573 posts, Busy bee @ 2:54 pm

    Haha, I love that gif. It was an easy choice for me. I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to name change and I took my husband’s last name. I have male cousins to carry on my maiden name and I still have my sister, so I opted for my husbands last name. I didn’t put my maiden name as my middle name or a second middle name. My mom did the same and every other female relative did so too. So I went with tradition.

  32. Member
    canway11 406 posts, Helper bee @ 12:25 am

    I think it is a hard decision. I am a professional and built my career the last five years with my name. But taking his name is important as well. I am struggling with the options of Maiden Middle vs. Hyphen.

    Also with internet searches there are many with my maiden name and my business. I would not want to lost the good will. still not sure but I feel your pain.

  33. Member
    sparklebee2014 128 posts, Blushing bee @ 1:15 pm

    It was an easy decision for me, I’ve always thought I would change my name to my husband’s and luckily he has a beautiful, historic last name that’s way easier to pronounce/spell than my last name! Actually, the last 2 initials in my monogram will just switch when I take his name :-)

    It’s funny, we just had a discussion about married names last night amongst my friend group, we’re all campaigning for our recently married friends to combine their last names because it would be EPIC… like Brangelina epic. It was even their wedding hashtag. The husband is game, but the wife doesn’t want any remnant of her old last name, haha!

    You have plenty of time to decide what to do, just wait and see what feels right after the wedding :-)

  34. Member
    msfilly 827 posts, Busy bee @ 1:58 pm

    @MsMeow: Talk to the feathers – that is too funny! You’re right, I think the thing that bugs me most is the societal expectation that we as women are obligated to change our names … ugh. Good thing I have plenty of time to decide what I’m doing.

    @lynnielou33193: It’s a tough decision, right? Good luck!

    @stealinghoney: That’s funny, Stallion actually suggested doing that if I decide to take his last name. I love that idea.

    @lotto: I’m glad you’re happy with your choice so far! I love the mother’s maiden name as a child’s middle name idea.

    @mylittleviolett: You’re right, it’s a really romantic gesture!

    @southern bell: Me neither. My middle name is about as common as it gets, and it doesn’t have any significance to me/my family, so I wouldn’t mind dropping it.

    @raziel1687: This is what happens every time I’m presented with a lot of choices, haha – I’m so indecisive! You hit the nail on the head there.

    @Chelle-Lee: Wow, people really react that strongly if you don’t recognize them as a married couple right away? Yikes. But you’re right – focusing on gaining a new identity as opposed to losing one is a good way to look at it.

    @HourThyme: It’s a tough decision – good luck!

    @Colleen: You are exactly right – when you look at it that way, my maiden name was never “mine” to begin with. Interesting perspective; thanks for sharing!

    @CakeyP: I really love your perspective on this. I’d never thought about it that way before!

    @stephanie1989: Another way I hadn’t thought of doing it – thanks for sharing!

    @brooke25: I like the family/team way of looking at it!

    @DEBeachGirl: I’m glad you finally ended up with your name the way you want it! I believe NJ is annoying like that with name changes – hopefully it won’t matter since we’re MA residents though. I’ve been to Rehoboth Beach quite a bit, it’s really nice!

    @Ana in Boston: I’ll tell you what, if men were expected to take their wives’ names, the process would be a heck of a lot cheaper and easier.

    @bluebelle23: I hope it all works out in the end! I’m sure you’ll settle into your new name with time.

    @maribee: I love the Hispanic tradition too! I wish it wasn’t so expected for us as women to be the ones to change our names – hopefully with time, other options become more prevalent/socially acceptable.

  35. Member
    liadee 27 posts, Newbee @ 1:59 pm

    You mention the option of keeping your name legally, using it professionally, but having a new name socially – would this possibly be an option for Stallion?

    My friends mom did that for the same exact reasons you mentioned for why he can’t change his – She is a well published doctorate and is known by her maiden name – so professionally she is “Dr. A…” but with her family and in our local community she is “Mrs. B…”. But why does it have to be you that does it? In theory you could create a new family last name, and Stallion could use his orginally professionally

  36. Member
    msfilly 827 posts, Busy bee @ 2:11 pm

    @thebestisyettocome: I love the Hispanic tradition! Why can’t we do that here? It’d make things way easier :)

    @bahamutangel: That last sentence is spot-on – great way to think about it!

    @Elise: That’s the thing that bugs me the most, that societal expectation dictates that I’ll change my name. I hope with time other options become more prevalent. I sort of feel like if I don’t choose an alternative, I’m not helping things in that regard.

    @SamanthaMarie89: I totally agree – it’s a cool way of thinking of it! And also kind of depressing, thinking that my last name isn’t really mine, haha.

    @DachshundDoc: Great plan. I hope it works out well for you!

    @Miss_Mimosa: His insight is basically, “It’s your last name, not mine, I have no say,” which is nice in that he’s not pressuring me at all, but in this instance, I really do think his opinion would be helpful. If he voiced even the tiniest preference that I take his name, I’d do it without hesitation.

    @Mrs. Waterfall: I actually think I remember reading your post about that! It’s like the total opposite of here – at least there’s no pressure to change your name, but if you actually want to, it’s a big pain in the butt, right?

    @Violet: It’s actually my favorite option, but it’s not great for Stallion professionally since he’s been published a few times. It’s not out of the question, of course, but it’d definitely inconvenience him a little. :(

    @pearl86: Your fiance sounds like an absolute gem – don’t let him go! I agree, my major problem is with the societal expectation that I’m obligated to change my name – it makes me want to go an alternate route even more, to be honest.

    @Mrs. Treasure: That’s definitely an option – no reason I have to make up my mind right away! Freddie Prinze Jr. was the man of my dreams like 15 years ago, haha.

    @daniellekira: Tradition isn’t necessarily a bad thing! Glad your choice is working out for you.

    @canway11: It’s a tough call – good luck with your decision!

    @SparkleBee2014: You’re right, I have plenty of time to figure it out! If only our combined last names would be so epic, then it’d be an easy decision!

  37. Member
    msfilly 827 posts, Busy bee @ 2:12 pm

    @liadee: You are totally right! I’ll have to add that to our list of options – thanks for the suggestion!

  38. Guest Icon Guest
    Susa, Guest @ 2:04 am

    @ maribee
    not all spanish speaking countries have the same rules regarding possible name changes when marrying.
    It is legal in spain to name your children: firstfirstname secondfirstname firstMATERNALlastname firstPATERNALlastname.
    The restriction just to give two firstnames and to never change your name for life (unless there are very specific conditions) is a bit annoying too.
    A few south american countries allow a married woman to drop the second lastname and to use “de + husbands firstlastname” Christina Fernandez de Kirchner would be an example.

    Anyhow just looking at a lastname and to assume a legal or family relationship is a bit overly simple. I shared my nephews last name for a long time, is he my son; even if we look alike a little? – NO.

    I would consider practicalities like signing forms or answering the phone and being able to book a flight online. If the last name is too long that might be impossible in some airlines.
    @ Miss Filly, take a choice and then live with it. If it really does not work out or bothers you – you can always change it. Nothing (well at least for you in the us) is set in stone. Good luck.

  39. Member
    MrsYellowDaffodil 696 posts, Busy bee @ 12:51 pm

    I don’t think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Everyone has to make the decision that is right for them.

    It was (ok, fine, will be) an easy decision for me. I HATE my last name. I can’t wait to dump it. It’s hard to spell, hard to figure out, and just plain IRRITATING. Sure, it ends with me (I’m an only child and my dad had only a sister) but no one really cares. My identity is, frankly, more wrapped up in my first and middle names.

    Both BF and I are very traditional. We really want that “family unit” thing going on. And it’ll be so nice to be able to say “Ally [Smith]” and not have to follow it up with “K as in kite, Z as in zebra, B as in boy, E as in egg…” (not my real name, but it’s a good representation of my life right now).

  40. Member
    veggie_rachel 575 posts, Busy bee @ 4:49 pm

    I’m still feeling really conflicted about this. I didn’t want to change my name, then decided I would. Today I filled out the paperwork to change my name and get my new SS card, and freaked out a little bit. I don’t know why I feel so apprehensive about this…

  41. Guest Icon Guest
    Ellis, Guest @ 5:01 pm

    I plan on taking my fiance’s last name but am somewhat conflicted, too. My last name is Smith, and my first name is so common that it’s impossible to single myself out in writing, online, etc. Definitely not “searchable” or something that defines me. My fiance’s last name is Spanish/Latin American, and I’m just grappling with the reality that people will expect someone else when they meet me. I’m excited to take on his name (I will keep my current middle and last and make them both middle), but it is hard to picture myself with this assumed identity, especially after something so generic as Smith.

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