I Don’t Want My Fiance’s Ex at Our Wedding

Our wedding is in about nine months, and since the early stages of planning, we knew that there was going to be some issues with the guest list. I have a huge family and a few close friends, while my fiancé is completely the opposite. He has a very tiny family and tons of friends. Our guest list has about 240 people on it—much more than my parents can afford to pay for. To add to this issue, my fiancé feels that all of his friends need to bring a date. That would probably put our guest list at 300 people! So what I would like is to have only married or engaged people be allowed to bring their significant others, and maybe those who have been in long-term relationships. But I don’t think it is necessary for every single person to bring a date, especially since his friends are all friends with each other, so it’s not like they won’t know anyone there. I have told him that it’s just not feasible for everyone to bring a date, and that my parents can’t afford it. However, instead of understanding he just pouts and says that he just won’t invite those people at all then, because “they won’t want to drive all the way here alone.” Anyway, that’s just a small part of the problem…

I will admit to you all right now that I am kind of a jealous person when it comes to other girls who have had any type of past relationship with my fiancé (as I think a lot of people are). So this is where my bigger moral dilemma begins—our best man is in a long-term relationship (and they live together) with a girl who my fiancé has a past with. Granted, their relationship was short lived, but it was to the point where he would drive several hours out of state to spend the night with her. And I won’t even get into the fact that he has even more of a past with her sister…ugh. So the problem here is that I REALLY don’t want this girl at our wedding. I feel like just seeing her there will make me think about his past with her (and her sister), and I will feel disgusted and upset every time I am reminded of it, and I don’t want to have to feel that way on my wedding day!

I don’t want our best man to be upset or offended by this, and I know it makes my fiancé feel bad to tell his best friend that he can’t bring a date, but it is just something I can’t seem to get past. Am I wrong if I only invite the best man and not his girlfriend? What should I do?


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Classifieds: December 4, 2013
In Which We Do a Whole Lot More Than Taste
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  1. Member
    msrealitytv 86 posts, Worker bee @ 1:24 pm

    Oooooooof. This depends. Are you inviting other couples that aren’t engaged? If so, then yes, you need to invite this girl. They live together. They’re building a life together. If you can’t see past that and just be happy for yourself on your wedding day, then that is going to cause some serious problems with the best man, which in turn could cause problems with your FI.

    I know jealousy is a super hard thing to overcome, but in this instance I think you’ve got to suck it up and let her come.

  2. Member
    MsGinkgo 8827 posts, Buzzing Beekeeper @ 1:25 pm

    I understand how you feel (and my FH would even more so…) but unfortunately, I don’t think you can get away with this one.
    They’re in a long term committed relationship, clearly both your FH and she have moved on.

  3. Member
    ellemm005 172 posts, Blushing bee @ 1:29 pm

    I would normally say the best man should get a date no matter what your other rules on guests are (just a personal preference since he is in a place of honor, although I think others would be fine without guests), but I don’t know if I would want FI’s ex there. Honestly, if she’s with FI’s best man she is probably going to continue to play a role in your life. I’d say invite her if the best man wants her to come, but just remember who your FI ended up with (or try not to think about it at all – you will have a lot of other things to think about!).

  4. campfire Member
    campfire 1045 posts, Bumble bee @ 1:41 pm

    If you’re limiting the +1s to engaged/married only, I think you might be able to not invite her. It sounds like, however, you’re going to include +1s for long-term relationships, in which care you’re likely going to need to invite her. I think the only way you’re going to get out of that one is to speak to the best man himself – if you’re not wanting to invite his girlfriend, you should be the one to tell him.
    As @EllEmm005: said, if she’s with your FH’s best friend she is going to be a part of your life.

  5. Guest Icon Guest
    Anonymousesophagus, Guest @ 1:56 pm

    The exact same thing happened to me, except the ex was engaged to a groomsman, and DH felt obliged to have him in the wedding party as he had already agreed to be in their wedding party.

    I was just as upset as you are (probably more because there was some major drama with this girl at the beginning of our relationship).

    At the wedding, I was so focussed on my husband, friends and family I wanted there, I couldn’t have cared less about her presence.

  6. msfilly Member
    Mrs. Filly 65 posts, Worker bee @ 2:06 pm

    I’m with everyone else so far – unless you’re going with a “no ring, no bring” policy, I don’t see a way out of this without alienating your FH’s BM.

    That said, you have absolutely nothing to be jealous of. You’ve got the ring, you’ve got the white dress, you’ve got the man. His ex is just that – ex, part of his past. YOU are his present and his future, not her. Clearly, your FH has moved on, and so has his ex since she’s in a new relationship.

    I promise you, neither your FH nor his ex will be thinking about their past, so neither should you. There are so many wonderful things to think about on your wedding day. You have so many things to be happy about. Please don’t waste a single moment dwelling on something like this.

    Hugs to you – hope it all works out!

  7. Member
    msj2thez 5697 posts, Bee Keeper @ 2:08 pm

    I think that what you need to do is work harder on getting past the fact that your fiance HAS a past. It would be one thing if he randomly wanted to invite an ex, bt being that the BM is in a relationship with someone that your FI so happened to date who knows when, it’s unfair to you and to your FI to have a problem with that. I know people drop the counseling bomb a lot, but I really think you should try. My husband and I went through a very difficult time where he suddenly had a huge issue with the fact that I had ever had a past before him. he apparently before that moment, had lied to himself that I was born the day we met. It took counseling for us to get through it. It caused him a lot of grief, worrying about something he couldn’t control and that frankly, wasn’t his business to be upset about, and me a lot of issues as well.

  8. dorsay Member
    dorsay 2281 posts, Buzzing bee @ 2:28 pm

    I think it gets into the touchy area of being the judge for other people’s relationships. If you’re including those in long term committed relationships, and the best man and the ex are in one, then it’s tough to exclude her.

    I agree with Filly on this one, if I could +1 her comment I would! Good luck!

  9. Member
    Clairetoris 174 posts, Blushing bee @ 2:43 pm

    I am putting myself in your shoes. My soon to be fiancé only has two ex girlfriends to pick from. One is completely batshit insane and the other was a good friend to a friend of mine, a nice person. The batshit insane one would only be there to kill me and my SO hates her so that wouldn’t happen anyways, and the other one has a child now and is dating one of my boyfriend’s friends. Because I know the nice one and what kind of person she is, I would not care if she came. They dated for 4 months and he broke up with her. BUT maybe your situation is different. Maybe this girl hasn’t always been friendly to you.

    If you have had a past with this girl I could see why you wouldn’t want her there… But the bottom line is she is going to bother you. Just thinking about it bothers you. I wouldn’t care if other people called you ridiculous for not liking it, this is your wedding day.

  10. Guest Icon Guest
    kurapika168, Guest @ 2:46 pm

    It’s your wedding day! It’s the absolutely most important day of your life. Go with what will make you happy. I don’t think that it’s inappropriate to ask the best man not to bring his date. After all, he’s the best man and will be busy doing his best man stuff. Also, it’s not like he doesn’t know anyone there and will feel left out if he’s date isn’t there.
    Although you might convince yourself that you don’t care about that girl, but trust me, you will when you see her at your wedding. It’s your wedding and you want it to be remembered happily in your heart forever.

  11. Member
    Himmstress 8 posts, Newbee @ 3:10 pm

    Man, that’s tough. But as EllEmm005 said, I think that regardless of what your policy ends up being for other guests, the bridal party should be allowed to bring dates. On the upside, your FI’s ex WON’T be standing up with the best man during your ceremony, she WON’T be doing an entrance with the best man into the reception, etc. And you could make it such that you have a sweetheart table, so that you don’t have to sit at a table with her either. It is possible that the best man will decide not to bring her regardless if she doesn’t know a lot of people at your wedding? He will have a lot to keep him busy with in terms of wedding related duties, so having to keep up with her and check on her may be tiring for him.

  12. Guest Icon Guest
    Lone Star, Guest @ 3:11 pm

    There’s another wrinkle here– he’s the best man. Even if you weren’t permitting dates, it’s really kind of rude to not let the wedding party bring one. I had the rule that there had to be a 6 month relationship, but the wedding party got whatever date they wanted. Considering the fact that they are ALSO in a long-term committed relationship, there’s no way you can get out of it.

    If it makes you feel better, I was IN one of my exes’ weddings and his wife is now one of my best friends and was my MOH. Although I’d never want my husband to do that, you CAN have zero feelings for someone that you’d be happy to stand up for them.

  13. Member
    syoung1011 49 posts, Newbee @ 3:35 pm

    Ouch.. Touchy subject! Normally I would be right there with you by putting the ex on the blacklist.. However, because she is the best mans long term girlfriend.. This one might be the exception. It’s a lot easier to say don’t be upset that she’s there, it’s your day, your FI is coming home to you.. But in all reality that really doesn’t make it much better does it? Chances are you will have to run into this girl later again in life considering the closeness of your FI and her boyfriend.. So my advice would be to turn the other cheek and just let her come so there is no tension between your FI and his best friend. Now, on the topic of the plus ones.. This is a conversation my FI and I have had multiple times! He would like to invite everyone and their mother.. However, obviously out budget does not allow every single person to bring a plus one. So, we’ve made a compromise and set the basic rule as only fiancés or husbands/wives.. With just a few exceptions for close friends where we are close with their SO as well, or long term relationships. Basically, we are looking at each situation individually. Hope this helped!

  14. Guest Icon Guest
    Cris, Guest @ 3:42 pm

    Your wedding is one day in your life, albeit a very important one.

    Be careful about making decisions for your wedding day that will cause hard feelings for years later–between your fiancé and his friend, or between you and the bestman or even you and your fiancé.

    Trust me, you’ll be far too busy celebrating on your wedding day to even notice that the best man’s girlfriend (a better way to think of her) is even there.

    Also, jealousy in a relationship isn’t the healthiest thing to encourage. If you trust your fiance, let it go. If you can’t trust him, then why get married?

    Lastly, if having all of his friends at the wedding (and letting them bring dates) is important to your fiance but out of your parents’ budget, maybe the two if you can shoulder the extra cost. That way you both get what’s important to you on your wedding day.

  15. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 4:06 pm

    Hi guys,

    I am the one who posted this dilemma… I see that a few of you said that she will be a part of my life in the future, so I just wanted to add in that that is not necessarily true – BM and his girlfriend live in North Carolina, and myself and my fiancé live in Vermont. We have never been down there, and probably won’t, and they don’t really come to Vermont — if so, they have not contacted us anyway. So, I am not sure if that makes a difference to any of your thoughts on this, but I figured I would add that bit of info!

    However, after reading your comments, I am thinking that I will end up talking to BM privately about this and getting his opinion.

  16. Guest Icon Guest
    missamysmiles, Guest @ 4:47 pm

    I think this is a case of sucking it up and getting over it.

    I totally get that it sucks, but on the plus side he didn’t have a long-term relationship. He’s with you now, and obviously his BEST MAN is very serious about her, she’s going to be in your life. It’s best to move forward and make friends. The past is the past…

  17. Member
    nerdybird 1443 posts, Bumble bee @ 5:49 pm

    I think it’s pretty rude to not let some of your guests have dates. setting some of them apart because they are single is not cool. I could not see that going over very well with anybody I know. I especially think it’s rude to not allow your best man to bring his long term GF. to get past it, maybe think about it this way: she and your fiance are ancient history. she is your best man’s girlfriend now, nothing else.

  18. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 6:54 pm

    @kurapika168: Thank you! Although, I agree with a lot of what others had to say, I feel like you are 100% on the same page as me. Shouldn’t our guests, and especially our bridal party, want to make this the most perfect day for us? Isn’t that the job of the bridal party? This is the one day in our lives that is completely about us. It’s not about our BM, and it’s not about that a single friend from college who doesn’t get to bring a date. If they love us and want to celebrate this day with us, then bringing a date should not be a big deal to them. They should be more worried about our happiness on the day, not their own. Like you said, the BM will be busy all day, and she will know very few people there. Also, our BM came home (to Vermont) for a friend’s wedding last summer and his girlfriend did not come with him. So maybe it won’t be a big deal at all.

    Also, you are right about the fact that even if I convince myself now that it she won’t bother me, and that I should just bite the bullet and invite her, I know all that convincing will go out the window when I see her.

    I’m glad to hear someone agree that it’s my day and I should just make it perfect for myself and my fiancé. We are the priority here, not the BM, and definitely not his girlfriend! Again, thank you!

  19. Guest Icon Guest
    Mrs. B., Guest @ 6:54 pm

    He’s the best man and they live together. You have to let him bring her. Remember, it’s not just your wedding day, but your grooms too. If this person was close enough and valued enough that your groom asked him to be his best man then he probably doesn’t want this person hurt and upset. Excluding his live-in girlfriend would hurt and upset him.

  20. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 7:02 pm

    @Syoung1011: Your approach to invitations is exactly what I want to do. That is what I have been saying to my fiancé all along, but when I have discussed it with others I’ve gotten the whole “that’s not fair” speech. Well.. oh well! If you’re married or engaged, great! Go ahead and bring your SO. But, if you’re not, then I will consider a few things – how long have you been with them, do myself and my fiancé know the person, and most importantly, do we LIKE the person.

    My MOH has a long term boyfriend whom she lives with, just like our BM has his long term girlfriend that he lives with. However, like I have mentioned in another post, our BM lives about 17 hours away from us. Him and my fiancé keep in touch through texts and phone calls, but they haven’t seen each other in over a year. I have never met his girlfriend. My MOH on the other hand, I have known her boyfriend my entire life. Additionally, my fiancé has become good friends with him, and we hang out with them every couple months. This is why I want to use the situational approach like you are doing. I understand that some people will think it’s not fair, but as I’ve said… It’s about us, not about them.

  21. Member
    iammcdibble 995 posts, Busy bee @ 7:07 pm

    You’re right… Your wedding is about both of you. And this is the person your FH has chosen to stand up with him that day. Whether you like it or not, he is in a relationship & living with this woman. Honestly, her history with your FH shouldn’t be an issue. They are a social unit now and need to be invited as such. And I suggest some counseling to help with your jealousy issues. It’s not healthy to start a marriage like that.

  22. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 7:14 pm

    @Cris: If we were able to help with the extra costs, we absolutely would. But we are at the point where we’re paying our bills, and having enough left over to feed ourselves. So, anything we can contribute to the wedding costs would be minimal at best. So all in all, with so many people saying I should allow everyone to bring a +1, it’s just not feasible for us. So regardless, the guest list will need to be cut somewhere, and I would rather cut +1’s than cut the people who we actually want there.

  23. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 7:16 pm

    @iammcdibble: Maybe you haven’t read all of my comments, but being that they live 17 hours away from us, how exactly are you concluding that she is a part of my social unit?

  24. Member
    1_year_in 5 posts, Newbee @ 7:18 pm

    I think it comes down to the kind of wedding you want. And at the end of the day, the way to save money is to get those numbers down. We decided guest by guest, who we would allow to bring a partner based on who we wanted at our wedding. It was our day, an intimate moment where we committed our lives to each other and we didn’t want strangers there. A more traditional wedding is one where it’s like a formal function where you invite a +1 for every guest as a courtesy. Ours was a more intimate wedding and we wanted only people there who really meant something to us.

    We agreed on this thankfully so it wasn’t an issue between us, although our parents had some issues with us not wanting to invite aunts and uncles and cousins who I or my husband had not even met before. I just told them that this is my one day to be selfish and they just have to get over it. And we were so glad about our decision because at the end of the day, minus a handful of people who we had no choice but to invite, we had only people there who were important to us – 90 people in total. We didn’t have a dress code or any rules because we knew our guests well and we wanted them to feel comfortable.

    My theory was, the more guests you invite that aren’t close friends or family, the more partners you have to invite because they don’t know many people and they may feel alone if they don’t have a partner.

    We had a very cheeky guest who replied to our save the date that her and her boyfriend who we had never met would be there, and we had to nicely tell her that unfortunately due to budget constraints we have had to make a decision not to invite partners unless it is someone we know well. She didn’t respond to the email and the day before the wedding, very rudely passed a message on to another friend who was coming to say she wasn’t coming. Proof that she shouldn’t have been on the guest list in the first place.

    With regards to the best man’s girlfriend who is an ex of your fiancé. I can imagine it’s hard, but you’ll need to move past that. Your bridal party should be allowed to have partners there, they are doing so much for you guys and they should be allowed to have someone by their side. Take my word for it, you will not care that she is there on the day because you will be too busy enjoying your new husband and the moment. And look at this way, you’re the one standing next to your fiancé, not her. That’s enough to assure you there is no reason to not want her there.

  25. Member
    chica95110 695 posts, Busy bee @ 7:29 pm

    I’m going to take a little different stance than most people. I would not want my FI ex there. I would not care if they were married or just living together. I’d tell my FI and the groomsman that I’d appreciate it if she was not at my wedding. I fear that because the groomsman is actually part of the wedding that this ex is going to be around you more than not. I would not be willing to go there.

    The +1’s… I understand not wanting people there you don’t know well. Just cut people you don’t want there. And tell people they can’t bring dates that it costs to much – that its out of the price range. It is what it is. As far as your FI pouting goes – I’d make sure you invite his closest friends and leave the others out.

  26. Member
    weddingmaven 4651 posts, Honey bee @ 7:39 pm

    The good news is that according to any and all of the reputable etiquette resources, you are under no obligation to invite dates for anyone who is not married, engaged, or living together. Unfortunately, that’s the bad news in this case as well.

    Normally, I’d tell you to suck it up and invite the live in GF of one of your guests, let alone your best man. But I do feel for you. If it’s going to make you sick to your stomach on your wedding day to have the woman who used to SLEEP with your FI in your face on your wedding day, then yeah, I’m comfortable going against etiquette and making this one an exception, especially since they aren’t yet married or engaged.

    All I can say is think of the ramifications of not inviting her and weigh the alternatives carefully. The best man would be within his rights to say he won’t attend without her, or he might be upset with you and FI. FI might be upset with you. Think it all through carefully before you decide.

  27. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 7:53 pm

    @weddingmaven: Thank you for a sensible and considerate response. My fiancé understands my feelings about this, and he would feel the same way. In fact, I had my brother’s best friend on the guest list, as he has been a longtime friend of our family. However, one time, we kissed. FI knows about this, and hates it, and doesn’t really want him to be there. I am willing to work with him on that, as it won’t bother me if he is not there, and I understand his feelings. Our BM is a very nice person, and I feel like he will be understanding of my wish. Regardless, I will make sure that my fiancé and I agree on whatever conclusion we come to, so that we are both happy on our day.

  28. Member
    sasha2011 2205 posts, Buzzing bee @ 7:57 pm

    You should invite her. She is in a long-term committed relationship with your best man. There is really no way out of this one. Sucks! But you know what? She is the absolute LASTTTTT person/thing you will think abt on the day of. You will be SO DAMN BUSY with stuff that anything even remotely related to this girl won’t even cross your mind. I guarantee it. I had M-A-J-O-R drama before my wedding. It was SO BAD that the family literally split up and it has now been 2+ yrs yet no one is still speakin’ 2 each other! But on the day of the wedding, even when things were still SO FRESH, I couldn’t give a damn abt who showed up (ppl who started sh*t) or who didn’t (ppl I wanted there). I was so focused on having fun. And so will you! The day will FLY by FAST.

  29. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 7:58 pm

    @weddingmaven: Also, I am not sure that our BM’s relationship with this girl will even last. Yes, they live together, but he moved in with her after only a few months and I think his feelings have changed. My FI told me that when he heard who my bridesmaids are, he got all excited about one of them and asked if she could be the MOH because he thinks she’s good looking and wants to walk with her. I am quite sure that he might be happy to go alone just for a chance to dance with that one bridesmaid (who is single). Also, I see him “liking” pictures of other girls on facebook quite often. Maybe he is just being a guy… but I don’t think that is the way he should be thinking if he is actually serious about his girlfriend.

  30. Member
    weddingmaven 4651 posts, Honey bee @ 8:12 pm

    I was going to ask whether you think BM knows how you feel about his GF, but now that I see your last post, I’m wondering if the BM would bring her even if you invited her as a courtesy or a sense of obligation. From the way he was talking about your MOH, I wonder if he was even expecting an invitation for her.

  31. Guest Icon Guest
    Lola, Guest @ 2:33 am

    Dear Poster,
    I am going to be very blunt with you: over 200 guests and you worry about one woman who is history for your loved one?
    Your fiance does not invite that girl because he likes her, or because he wants to spend time with her on his wedding day, but out of respect for his best man.
    Whatever issues best man and his gf might have in their relationship, is none of your business.
    I think it very rude and petty not to invite the best man plus one. Actually I would invite just like that in your place: best man, because he is your future husbands friend and he wanted to have thim there at that special day plus his live-in gf.
    Totally agreeing with weddingmavens post!

    Why the jelousy anyway? You are getting married, you are wearing the white dress and if any you should have your fiancee talk to his best man ensuring that the gf behaves well (if you had problems with her being inappropriate with your fiance)
    Seriously I think if you are running into jealousy with this situation, what else would you be not so relaxed with? Does your fiance agree with you? Are you on the same page? I am thinking stags night. Sort it out before the wedding, it is a day to be enjoyed not annoyed.
    Good luck.

    PS: Dont take my words too personally I am a very non-jealous person, actually my first love attended my small wedding and I am friends on FB with one of the exes too, very often liking each others posts. Husband is friends with his ex too on FB and they write emails regularly – I am the one in our home with him, so whatever makes him happy.

  32. Guest Icon Guest
    Ladybug, Guest @ 4:34 am

    Honestly, I think you’re being a bit ridiculous. Your jealousy issues sound pretty serious and that is no way to begin a healthy marriage. We ALL come with a past and part of being a mature individual is accepting that and getting over it. So what if your FH kissed some girl years before he met you? You’re really that insecure in your relationship that you would feel jealous about that on your wedding day?! To be honest, you sound pretty immature – the jealousy, your somewhat ridiculous expectations of your bridal party listed in a previous comment (no, their sole job is not to cater to your every whim and fancy), and your snarkiness in talking about the best man’s relationship with his girlfriend. My advice is to put your big girl pants on, accept that your FH has a past, and invite the BM AND his girlfriend. If you’re mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to rein in the crazy green eyed monster and focus on the bigger picture here….ie the fact that you are making a lifelong commitment to your husband.

    P.S. I was MOH in my best friend’s wedding and had made out with the groom a couple of years before they started dating. We joked about it constantly and you know what, my best friend did not have the slightest twinge of jealousy because it was in the past and SHE was the one marrying him.

  33. Guest Icon Guest
    Ms. T, Guest @ 5:08 am

    If the BM was not important to your fiance (even if living in a separate state) he wouldn’t have asked him to be the BM. Your fiance could have chosen the friends you hang out with, but decided to ask the BM. So you should respect that. What if the BM decides he’s not coming alone? How will your fiance feel having to ask someone else?

  34. Member
    b00kbug 931 posts, Busy bee @ 5:18 am

    You both seem pretty immature about this. He won’t let you invite someone because you kissed once? And you won’t allow a brief ex to be there? Your marrying each other – who cares?

    My now DH’s high school sweetheart was one of my bridesmaids, and my high school sweetheart was there as a guest. We both had at least one other ex there in addition to that if I remember correctly. We remained friends with these people, and that was all that mattered. I promise the day of you will be way too busy to be seething over this ex of his.

  35. Member
    fridaythe13bride 291 posts, Helper bee @ 6:35 am

    @b00kbug: Agreed! It’s definitely YOUR day and you shouldn’t worry about +1 rules or what not, but the kissing thing is a bit silly. I can’t imagine not inviting a good family friend because of a kiss that probably occurred years ago… make sure you spend some of the next 9 months strengthening your relationship and trust. Marriage is the real deal!

  36. Guest Icon Guest
    Rachel, Guest @ 8:14 am

    I totally disagree with everyone above. This day is to celebrate you and your fiance’s committment to each other, I dont think asking one of his ex-flings not to be there is unreasonable. I am sure if you talked to him about it he would be understanding. I would not want a dark cloud over my wedding day either.

  37. Member
    iammcdibble 995 posts, Busy bee @ 10:23 am

    @Poster: I have read all your comments. She and the Best Man (by living together) are a social unit. Which means they get invited as such.

  38. Guest Icon Guest
    Poster, Guest @ 1:27 pm

    @Rachel: Thank you! I talked to one of my very good friends about this today (she’s also a bridesmaid). I told her the situation, without giving her any any inclination of which decision I was leaning towards just to see what she would say, and this is what she said – “Don’t do it. You won’t want any bad vibes on your wedding day. Do what makes YOU happy. It’s your wedding, not the BM’s. Don’t worry about what anyone else says, because in the end you determine who is invited.” Then she also went on to say how if you worry about making everyone else happy, you will end up compromising your own happiness, which is true. And I don’t think that my wedding day is a day in which I should be compromising my own happiness!

  39. Member
    MrsDogMama 525 posts, Busy bee @ 5:45 pm

    Seems very reasonable to leave a person off a guest list if you have some issues with them. After all, do you want to pay $70 dollars to feel a bit compromised. I don’t think in the end her presence would impact you — but I do think you are perfectly fair to not include someone who is not engaged or married to the groomsman. And I do not think merely living with a person makes you a “social unit” – so unless they show they are serious you shouldn’t have to treat them as engaged.

  40. Guest Icon Guest
    aimlesstraveler, Guest @ 8:38 pm

    I mean, I was just a bridesmaid in an ex’s wedding so I really don’t see what the big deal was. Everyone is fully aware of the situation but it was ancient history and obviously the bride and groom are the ones who are meant for each other, not me and the groom. There’s no need to be jealous of this girl. She may not come, even if she’s invited, because of the distance and the perceived awkwardness on her part but you need to be the gracious, bigger person and invite her.

  41. Guest Icon Guest
    PhiladelphiaBride, Guest @ 8:11 pm

    Listen up honey! This is YOUR day and your future husband’s (of course). Not anyone else’s. They are not paying for your wedding. You need to do whatever makes you happy. If you DO NOT feel comfortable with her being there DO NOT invite her. I don’t think you need to “suck it up”. I was in a similar situation and when my fiancé asked if he could invite his ex to OUR wedding I simply replied “If you invite her, I will not be at the wedding.” He never mentioned it again.

  42. Member
    Footballwife 568 posts, Busy bee @ 10:07 am

    This is tough, you will probably have to invite her….that being said: You’re feelings are completely validated. Wedding party and their guests are involved in the more intimate moments of a wedding, the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and sometimes evening planning. If it were me I would not want her anywhere near my wedding party, rehearsal, head table etc. I want to keep my intimate moments intimate and to me it would feel less than so, due to the fact that a person who has a past with my fiance would be there. So while I know exactly how you feel and it stinks you will more than likely have to invite her.

    Jealousy stinks, but who has him now? Also, she may be even more uncomfortable than you. You and he are having a big fuss made over your day and she gets to sit there and see someone else getting married before her.

  43. Member
    js1103 39 posts, Newbee @ 11:26 am

    I can probably relate to you, because I tend to get very jealous but at the same time your FI is marrying you not her, she’s just there with your FI best man. If everyone with your side of the family and friends will be there it only be fair for him too. Or also you can ask him to put himself in your shoes and see but see the big picture, he’s marrying you not her! This is yours and your FH day! Good luck and hope you will have a wonderful dream wedding!!!!

  44. Guest Icon Guest
    BBQ, Guest @ 12:09 pm

    That seems quite disrespectful: “you’re important enough for me to want you to Stand Up and support my life, however because you’re with my sloppy seconds I am judging your life choices to be not worth supporting.”

    The wedding isn’t about you. It’s about your guests celebrating WITH you and your new husband… So since this girl has done nothing wrong and against your relationship, and she is an important part of the BM’s life… It seems hypocritical to want the support of someone you would be unwilling to do the same for, or judge his relationship unworthy when you expect him to do the opposite for you.

    How would you feel if the two of them got married, your FI was in the party, and you were specifically excluded?

  45. Member
    itzjustme 179 posts, Blushing bee @ 1:21 pm

    I’ll commend all the maturity & kindness on this board of folks who tell you to move beyond the past and focus on your day. I don’t feel the same. My FI and I have a rule. Nobody that either of us have slept with comes to the wedding. The past is the past…and that where it should stay, not in our future. If the BM is really your FI true friend he gets how weird this is, and this shouldn’t be an issue. I am a fair & empathetic person, but “only people who pay get a say”. YOU invite who YOU want to share your special day. Which IMHO wouldn’t include exes. Your wedding is not a circus or group therapy ( unmarried people can be w/o their SO’s for one event). It’s not a locker room where the girls my hubby & his friends have screwed get to come all because their a social unit now. Heck No! Weddings are vows where you are surrounded by people who know you, love you and are wishing the very best for your new union. Tell your man if his ex gets to come to the wedding, then your ex gets to join the honeymoon LOL ( just kidding…don’t do that. Hope I made you smile…)

  46. Guest Icon Guest
    FirstPost, Guest @ 4:34 am

    I just had to post something, When my bf and I started dating I had a hard time with accepting his past Specifically a “friend” whom I know he had feelings for at some point and she has feelings still for him. One day I stumbled across am article that basically said don’t worry about you’re ex’s past or first be happy you’re his last. I’m not sure why that stuck with me but it has and I cannot wait till we start our life together.

    Getting to be his only wife will be so much better than just a hook up that most likely didn’t mean much to him. You’re the one he is choosing and you will get to be his last and only :) And he’s the only one you will be focused on, on your wedding day!

  47. hyena Member
    hyena 2537 posts, Sugar bee @ 6:49 am

    I don’t have any advice to add, but I felt the same way about the “never invite exes to the wedding” thing. Mr. Hyena’s ex was my best friend in high school, and up until the engagement we were still on pretty good terms, but she kept dropping hints about expecting to be invited, which made me uncomfortable. We haven’t really talked since she didn’t make the invite list.

    But really, there will be so many people that you love and care about at the wedding that you won’t have a spare second to think about her, her brief past with FI or any of that other stuff. Just thank her for coming and move onto the next guest.

  48. Guest Icon Guest
    missThing, Guest @ 4:41 pm

    Be ruthless, ONLY 60 people per side, MAX.( That way,when 90 show up, you’ll be prepared after planning for 120 people initially.

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