The Most Notorious Question You Get Asked Post-Wedding

With the holidays right around the corner, I wanted to discuss a question that you, as a newlywed, will get asked over and over again (especially at family gatherings). Other than “How’s married life?” the most notorious question is…”So, when are you guys having kids?” While I understand the intent behind the question (family members are generally excited at the prospect of having the family expand), it can get pretty frustrating hearing this question all the time, particularly because it hasn’t even been a year since we’ve been married. Can we have a little bit of time to enjoy newlywed life please?!!

The most famous baby born this year / Photo via US Weekly

I also have a few things I want to do/accomplish first before bringing kids into this world. I’m in the midst of starting a new business (more on that next month!), I want to take a trip to Argentina (I’ve never been to South America), I want to go to Coachella, which will complete my US music festival trifecta (we’ve been to Lollapalooza and Austin City Limits). And for the first time in my life, I want to get a real pet (I grew up with fish and plants, so Mr. M and I would like to get a dog next year). And to put it frankly, I just don’t have baby fever at this time. This in no way implies that I never will—this just means that at this moment in time, I’m just not in the baby-making mindset.


And that should be OK.  I shouldn’t have to apologize for it. I shouldn’t be made to feel awkward when some people then say, “But you’re going to be 30 next year! Your biological clock is ticking! You better start making babies now!” I shouldn’t have people scrutinizing my Facebook pictures to see if I have a drink in my hand or not.  Oh yes, it’s gotten that awkward.

This question also frustrates me for married couples in general for a number of reasons.  First of all, in this day and age it’s extremely presumptuous to assume that 1) a couple even has the ability to have children, 2) a couple plans to have kids at all, and 3) you will just announce to the world exactly when your bedroom activities will include procreation.

I could go on and on about this topic but I’d really like to know what those of you out there have experienced. Are you tired of hearing this question as well? How do you respond? Do you give people an actual timeline or do you have a funny/witty response that will make people stop asking you?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Mongoose

Location:
New Haven, CT
Wedding Date:
May 2013
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  1. Guest
    Mrs. S, Guest @ 11:52 am

    This could not be more timely. THANK YOU for posting! I’ve been feeling awkward and pressured by this question, and we’ve literally only been married for 3 months. @CakeyP excellent comment!

  2. Member
    RheannaRaye 379 posts, Helper bee @ 11:54 am

    Agree! Agree! Agree!!!!

    This is not the year 1890 and I’m not looking to expand with children to help us on the farm and to be born in the likeness of my husband who I honor and obey like a good little house-wifey does!

    I get very angry when people ask because we’ve only been married 5 months now. I want to enjoy my husband first! I want to enjoy our time together. And, on top of that, I’m a type-2 diabetic. It would be very irresponsible for me to have a baby right now because of my health.

    I LOVE when people ask me, “So, are you trying for kids?” I always fire back either, “You do know what we have to do to TRY, right?” with an inappropriate wink, or I’ll say, “No, I know that practice makes perfect. We’re in the practice stages right now.” LOL.

  3. Member
    roxy2323 26 posts, Newbee @ 12:12 pm

    There are so many problems with people asking this question because they don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. Most people think that it’s harmless to ask–sort of like poking fun, but they could be torturing the couple by asking.

    I have infertility issues; it took us 6 months to conceive. We were excited to tell our family at Christmas but I miscarried two weeks before the holiday. It was torture being asked repeatedly when we were going to start a family; it broke my heart. I’ve cried practically every day because it’s like people keep opening a wound. It’s unfair to ask someone such a personal question.

    I haven’t figured out a way to nicely tell people their question is inappropriate without having an emotional meltdown, but I wanted to just put a different perspective on what posing this question could mean to the person on the other end of it.

  4. Member
    josina 687 posts, Busy bee @ 12:13 pm

    I love how immediately after you get married; if you go anywhere and DON’T have a drink people will automatically assume you’re pregnant.
    I don’t find the question rude, but it can get annoying, same as the ‘when are you getting married’ and what will be, ‘so when are you starting on baby #2′.
    My usual response is ‘we’re in no hurry’…

  5. Guest
    craft darling, Guest @ 12:19 pm

    I received a veiled “anything new to report?” from my father-in-law when we got back from our 2 week honeymoon! You’d think a man with 3 children would know that was a stupid question. Like we would even know yet! Since then I’ve had various other friends and relatives pestering me about the topic. I think my father-in-law has been the most consistent and annoying though. The frustrating part is that I do want to start moving in that direction but it just really isn’t possible for us right now. We’re barely able to support ourselves and are still living with a roommate. I don’t have a great response prepared although I may have to come up with one, but I just feel offended mostly because I don’t really think it’s anyone’s business and it’s an outrageous amount of pressure to put on a couple that has just barely been married 6 months.

  6. Member
    Mrs. Mongoose 726 posts, Busy bee @ 12:31 pm

    @thejucheidea: This one is cracking me up right now ‘Or ask them if they’ve ever had an STD, and if they get offended, tell them you thought questions about personal matters and private parts had just been put on the table and you were trying to follow the lead.’

    @Kristy: I hear ya!

    @RheannaRaye: I LOVE your responses–very witty!!

    @craft darling: Ugh, how extremely frustrating and surprising! I would think a DIL would be the last person to ask!

  7. Member
    Mrs. Mongoose 726 posts, Busy bee @ 12:35 pm

    @roxy2323: I’m so so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It must be incredibly tough to have people constantly ask you when you’ll have kids, when little do they know you’ve just dealt with something extremely traumatic. I truly think people should just not ask, period, unless the couple brings it up. Wishing you a successful pregnancy when you guys feel up to trying again.

  8. Guest
    ladyvaill, Guest @ 12:35 pm

    We got married in November and we spent the whole Christmas holiday saying “no, we’re not pregnant…but we hope to start trying in the new year”. I had Mr T’s sister tell me I’m pregnant and told me it was a load of crap that my Dr advised me to not drink mid-cycle (which my Dr honestly did as we started trying before the new year). She thought I was lying.

    We finally started telling Mr. T’s family that since he doesn’t know how to swim, we’re putting him in swimming lessons in January in hopes of teaching his little swimmers to swim. It makes no sense, but we got them to leave us alone for at least a couple hours.

    It’s annoying.

  9. Guest
    BWizMays, Guest @ 1:55 pm

    A friend of mine told me that they have been responding with, “We’re actually not quite sure we can have children. It is a sensitive issue and we’d rather not talk about it.”
    Technically, the statement is true if you haven’t started trying. :)

  10. Guest
    ashsue, Guest @ 2:34 pm

    I’ve been asked this a lot and my favorite response is “I’m selfish and am not ready to stop,And u can’t be selfish and have kids. Or I’ve not met my criteria yett. Mentally physically emotionaly monetiarly and personally ready. Guess I got five reasons not to have one. And I when all 5 are met ill know I’m ready.
    I’m only 24 just married only a month and have been asked this stupid question since we started dating 7years agao. His mother is the worst. She achually asked the first time we met and about 1 a year since then. I’m just annoyed. And I agree with alk of u. We haven’t really tried and don’t know if we can .

  11. Guest
    Mrs.Lion, Guest @ 3:49 pm

    My husband always tells people “We just don’t know what we’re doing wrong!” Which is even funnier around his friends because we waited until marriage to have sex.

  12. Guest
    Moodyblue442537, Guest @ 4:38 pm

    LOL– my fiance and I work at the same company, so coworkers are speculating how soon we will be having children after the wedding (3 weeks away!!!!) Nobody has dared ask either one of us yet, but a mutual friend lets us know who’s asking her about it….my response? “Do they have any idea how old I am?” (My other response, should anyone dare to ask me directly, will be “20 years ago.” I have a son that age.) We are in our 50s, so this is providing a lot of amusement.

  13. Member
    Mrs. Waterfall 1300 posts, Bumble bee @ 9:55 am

    Very well put! With my health issues, we’re not sure what our timeline will look like, and thankfully, most people seem to get it and don’t bring it up. Funny thing is we used to get it alll the time before we were engaged. “You guys are getting pretty old and you’ve been together forever, it’s time to settle down and start popping out kids!”…. yikes. I think it’s particularly bad in caribbean cultures, too.

  14. Member
    brittanyhockey 8 posts, Newbee @ 1:40 pm

    So sick of this question! In our circle of friends, we are the last couple to have children, this includes those that are not married. Needless to say the pressure was on with our friends before we even got engaged, but now this pressure has expanded to family to. I completely understand your frustration! Children are hardly on our radar at the moment, there are so many things I want to accomplish and experience with my husband before we embark down that road. I got so sick of people asking, I have moved past trying to answer as creatively as possible and now stick to two answers, “never” or “when we are 80″.

  15. Guest
    kbear18, Guest @ 2:52 pm

    It started the week after our wedding! The best response is really based on who’s asking. For family and close friends I’m honest and open – while we love kids, we want to focus on building a better life for us, paying down debts, saving money, etc, and we’ll think about it down the road (despite what those ancient ‘statistics’ say, a health woman can reproduce well into her 30s, and guys, well, they apparently can ’til their dying day).
    For acquaintances/coworkers/etc I just simply say ‘not now’ and leave it at that. They don’t need to know the particulars, and if they try to probe, there’s nothing wrong with saying politely it’s really none of their business to know the details. The structure of society has changed a lot in the past years, where now only 1 in 5 women of middle-class lifestyle have children, and couples now only have an average of 1.5 children. So I hope this ‘asking about baby’ is a dissolving trend! Don’t worry about what others think. You have a right to decide on whatever you want with your partner. It’s your body, after all!

  16. Guest
    Carrie, Guest @ 6:56 pm

    Funny: I have 5 children and have never been asked. It’s entirely rude. And no, not rude, “In this day and age”. From the beginning of time!

    Aside from the success in conceiving issue, a couple may really want to relish in the moment privately for a while. Or lastly, if they want to shout it from the rooftops, the minute she gets pregnant, the possible answer to the question squashes that opportunity! The couple would want to announce it in THEIR way, in THEIR time, hopefully to her mother first, not YOU!!!

    Also, I”m thinking, if she’s the type to tell the world she’s trying to get pregnant, (which I think is fine and cute) she probably will tell YOU before you ask HER. So even tell-the-world-girl isn’t ready. So back off, world!

    Anyway, it’s just a case of bad manners. People mean no harm. The interest is entirely natural.

    Here’s the answer: “We’ll see! (with a smile). I just want to enjoy life.” That answer could imply taking vacations before getting pregnant, or savoring the “trying period” or the pregnancy, privately.

    I love that God made it so we don’t ‘show’ for about 6 months. Gives the couple time to prepare privately if necessary.

  17. Member
    imamonster89 64 posts, Worker bee @ 12:32 am

    I hate that question.
    Coming from a big family that’s pretty tight, we don’t really ask each other that because, well, we already know. This couple decided when it happens it happens, another two of us decided in two years, we just tell each other. But the family we’re not as close to…Whole other story. They ask “When are you getting married/having a baby?” and it’s all I can do to keep from screaming. One, I know we’re related but I hardly know you.

  18. Guest
    Mrs +S, Guest @ 7:02 am

    I’m sorry, but I need to vent. I just got this question and some major pressure from my best friend of all people! First of all, she has a 2 year old son and complains about balancing motherhood and her job constantly, so I can’t help but have hesitancy in general about having children when I think of her. Well, she announced that she is pregnant with her second, which surprised me given her constant complaining. I can’t help but think the only reason she did it was to keep up with the Jones’ because most of our friends who have one are either pregnant or “trying” (I HATE that word, btw) for their second, and she’s constantly talking about herself and everyone else’s next steps in life – who’s buying a house how much they paid for it, who’s having a baby, etc. So, I was surprised when she said this, but congratulated her like I would anyone. Then, she says,”What about you guys? Are you trying?” (HATE, HATE that word – please don’t picture me and my husband doing that). I jokingly said, “Are you asking about my sex life?” and then told her “No, I don’t want a baby right now. We’ve only been married 3 months” Her response was a shocked, “Really?!” I couldn’t believe it. I was pretty taken aback by her caring so much about what I do. I wanted to shout back, “Why do you care so much about when I’m going to procreate? Maybe if you hadn’t painted such a bad picture of motherhood, I would want to. I, quite frankly, am shocked you’re having another one!” Anyway, so that was my latest encounter with this question. It’s so incredibly rude, and I just don’t get why people care so much. I personally would drive myself crazy if I worried about what everyone else was doing with their lives.

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