Saving Our Date

We have been engaged for eight months now. We are getting married in six, and I’ve known our date for six months too.

I have not done save the dates.

I have not done save the dates because I have a complicated train of thought around save the dates (even though Shamrock really wants them) and also because I am a slacker.

We have two couples we are friends with, both engaged after us, and both getting married before. I got one save the date today and the other yesterday. Both were combined Christmas card/save the dates.

Image via Etsy / No longer available

Lest you think my family (virtually none of whom live in Chicago) are going to be caught unaware of our date, I did make a website. Inspired by Mrs. Camel (who in turn was inspired by Mrs. Wallaby), I made a website on In fact, purchasing a custom domain name was one of the very first things Shamrock did (we have really generic names, so this was hard). I passed it on to my parents, who dutifully passed it on to their families (who I think had already been told the date anyhow). Many of my family members have already let us know they are or are not coming, so awareness isn’t an issue there. Shamrock’s family may not be as aware of our date, but it’s definitely out there.

Personal screenshot / Site created on

Hence my stance that we don’t really need them—everyone already knows our date.

Sort of.

My friends know our date. Or they can ask one of the bridesmaids, or me. And of course Friend S knows she’s invited. But A & J? And C? I invite them to our annual Christmas party. I like them. But we’ve don’t hang out one on one. If we have space, I’d love to have them at our wedding. But if we don’t, I’m OK with that—they aren’t must-invites. But all these people know each other. I don’t want them to feel second class if S gets a save the date and they don’t, and then get invited to the wedding. Awkward!

I was talking to my sister about save the dates, and told her BM Mathlete suggested we do them only for family and bridal party. But those are the people in the loop, so they don’t really need the date saved.

MOH Sis is really practical. And yet she said she loves save the dates, ESPECIALLY if she isn’t as close with the couple. Why? She knows if she’ll be invited or not.


I hadn’t even thought of that, but it is really helpful. I already knew both dates for the couples getting married in May, but now I know we’ll be invited (granted, I kind of knew, especially since I introduced one of the couples!), and I won’t schedule anything to conflict.

So now I’m even more torn. I want to make Shamrock happy, but who do I send them to? How do I handle the people I’m pretty sure we’ll have room for, but may not? Did you do save the dates? Who received them?


Mrs. Clover

Wedding Date:
June 2014
Dress Quest: Part 2
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  1. Guest Icon Guest
    Mila, Guest @ 9:07 am

    a friend of mine didnt get a save the date, but then ended up being invited to the wedding (she knew when save the dates came bc a few other friends were invited)
    In the end, she was just excited to get to go to the wedding and didnt really care that she wasnt on initial list.

  2. pyramid Member
    Mrs. Pyramid 104 posts, Blushing bee @ 9:31 am

    I used too! And we’re going to send out our save the dates today!
    I understand what you mean about those people you’re not sure of inviting! We have a couple of people on the limbo list, like some coworkers, that I just don’t want to lock down as invited just yet. I just asked the coworkers I did send cards to to not mention anything about it for now.

  3. Member
    climbergirl 95 posts, Worker bee @ 9:40 am

    I like save the dates as they are a reminder to actually put the date on my calendar, even if I have been told it before. I can also hang a paper save the date on my refrigerator to remind me not to schedule other activities around that date. For you though, why not send a save the date through email? I’ve received a couple through paperless post before. That way the information is out, but save the dates aren’t posted on refrigerators or bulletin boards reminding other friends they haven’t yet made your guest list. Good luck!

  4. mswallaby Member
    mswallaby 2070 posts, Buzzing bee @ 10:08 am

    Yay for Wix! :)

  5. Member
    wanderingbrunette 15 posts, Newbee @ 11:43 am

    We are sending out email save the dates about a year out from our wedding to people who will be coming from out of province and are on our initial list. These are the people who need to make the decision upfront and early if they need to book time off work, book flights and hotels etc. The actual invites will go out about 7-8 months in advance to those who got the save the dates plus those on the initial list from inside our province. The second list will follow and so on – but they won’t have gotten save the date emails.

  6. msclover Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 1:05 pm

    @Mila: @Miss Pyramid: You guys made me feel so much better that ours aren’t out yet!

  7. Member
    laurafoureyes 57 posts, Worker bee @ 2:40 pm

    I’m having the exact same issue right now with save the dates. I’m having a destination wedding, and while I want to give my guests time to book, I also do not know exactly who will be invited. I really want to keep the attendance at around 50 guests. I had to do the horrible thing of putting guests into categories, and decided that the categories of “family” (luckily, our families are not that big, and any distant relatives of mine who would be offended by not being invited, have already been offended by not being invited to both of my sisters weddings) and “close friends” would get save the dates, if I send them at all.

    PS: I’m from Chicago too. I love the church where you are getting married. When I saw that you were getting married there, I immediately thought: she must be a member there, as everyone wants to get married there.

  8. Guest Icon Guest
    Elise, Guest @ 3:57 pm

    I got them done the day before yesterday and even though we only sent them digitally, it was some process, that was paused several times. Apart from the problems you described I am not yet sure about the wedding colors or how I want further stationary to look like which was also sth not exactly speeding up everything.

    In the end, I decided that it things that is was ok, if things don’t fit together perfectly.

    But yes, it definitely involved deciding on the guestlist – but you know you have to do it anyway at some point. It is not an easy decision… in the end we almost last minute included 10% more people then the max I had previously set… and we still are kind of sad about not having invited x or y…

    Or are there still any uncertain variables that will determine how many people you can / want to invite?

  9. msclover Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 4:03 pm

    @LauraFourEyes: I totally get that! Its so tricky to give people notice while not excluding people (that, um, you may end up needing to exclude anyhow). And I am a member there–people definitely join just to get married there, but I’ve been going there for the past ten years.

    @Elise: We actually JUST did them, and they totally don’t match anything else. But my sister and Shamrock just got it done, and that was easier than me doing it, so I’m letting it go. It’s so tough to have to figure out the guest list all the way so that you can feel comfortable sending them out! I’m probably going to get talked into sending them to more than I previously planned, but hopefully it will all work out!

  10. Member
    laurafoureyes 57 posts, Worker bee @ 6:41 pm

    @Miss Clover: Yeah, I’ve heard people join to get married there. I didn’t mean to imply that you did that – I read in your post you are a very involved member. It’s such a beautiful church, and such a perfect setting for a wedding. Its such a great location on Michigan Ave, too – especially for pictures :).

  11. msclover Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 6:43 pm

    @LauraFourEyes: Oh! I didn’t think you were implying that at all! It just always surprises me that people would join just to get married there! I can’t wait for the pictures, especially since Shamrock proposed there too.

  12. msfilly Member
    Mrs. Filly 68 posts, Worker bee @ 3:36 am

    We only did save the dates because we’re sort of having a destination wedding – it’s not reeeeally a “destination”, but everyone has to travel at least two hours, so we wanted to give everyone as much advance notice re: hotel rooms, etc. as possible. If we were hosting a mostly local crowd, I’d be comfortable skipping save the dates, I think. Hope that helps a little?

  13. Member
    milo22 36 posts, Newbee @ 3:33 pm

    I did our save the dates last minute, probably even to the point were we didn’t need them…the invitation is going out in about 2 months and I read that they need to go out 6 months in advance. In the very beginning, I was really excited about doing that. I thought it was something all the cool modern kids did.

    Then it drew closer to the deadline and we didn’t have engagement photos done and they HAD to be done with an engagement photo. You know? That’s the way things are done…I couldn’t get ahold of our photographer…deadline past. Now they are late. So I debated it. As I was debating it, suddenly friends and family who KNEW the date were questioning it. I freaked out that people wouldn’t know when the wedding was and make other plans. Several already can’t go because they planned a vacation that weekend. I did make a wedding website as soon as we had our date but no one seemed to remember or check it.

    So we rush engagement photos and do it on the coldest day. My face was swollen in most of the photos from the cold so then we were limited.

    Now, I have people upset that they haven’t gotten a save the date…some are still getting an invite but save the dates are like buying invitations twice and it gets costly. (the postage alone adds up!) Some people I don’t want to invite and they invited themselves, so naturally they want a save the date.

    I totally get it – save the dates are like being part of a club. You’re really special to the couple if you get one.

    Am I happy with my save the dates? Yes, they came out great and the people who get them are excited.

    Would I do it again? I don’t know. Can’t we just send out invitations 4 months in advance instead of 4-8 weeks?

  14. msclover Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 5:41 pm

    @Milo22: That’s basically been my experience :/ We had the e photos (something else Shamrock really wanted), but didn’t make any progress on the save the dates. My sister finally did it with him when she was home for Christmas. Hopefully my guests are as excited as yours to get them!

  15. Member
    milo22 36 posts, Newbee @ 11:26 am

    @Miss Clover: They will be! Guests do love receiving them. It makes them feel special.

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