Making the Cut: The Guest List Continues

Long ago, I made a guest list. Once Shamrock added his family & friends to the list, we were ready to start cutting. My plan was to aim high and make sure I didn’t miss anyone I might possibly want to invite, and then refine from there.

Our venue isn’t huge (the absolute max is 156), but we did know it would comfortably hold everyone we felt strongly about inviting. We both have pretty big families (I was kind of shocked to see it was 111), but I only have five local family members and Shamrock wasn’t sure how many of his family (who are a lot more local) would turn out for a second wedding.

So family is our biggest variable, but we also spent some time talking about which friends to invite. BM Mathlete repeated some great advice she got while making her invite list: Invite for your future. So think about who is important to you now, but also think about who is going to continue to play a role in your lives, even if you don’t know them well right now. So your neighbors at your brand new forever home? You’ll probably be getting to know them a lot better. The friends-of-friends you’ve hung out with a bunch now and have tons in common with? Might want to consider them too.

And then there’s reciprocating invitations. This one was pretty tough for me. I invited my sorority sister whose wedding I attended a few years ago. We invited the family members whose weddings we’ve been invited to. And I didn’t invite either of the women whose weddings I stood up in.

I know.

And I didn’t just stand up; I was the maid of honor. (I’ve actually never been a regular bridesmaid.) And lest you think I just did a bad job, or we had a falling out, or something else…we just drifted apart. One was my pledge daughter, who I also lived with. I was her maid of honor, came down for her baby shower, and called her so many times. And she just”¦stopped picking up or calling back. She was busy with her family, which is what she always wanted, but it still hurt. She’s moved now (saw it on Facebook), and I don’t even have an address. My best friend keeps telling me he’s going to message her on Facebook, because she just has to come to my wedding, but I’m over it. People change, and it is what it is, sadly. The other friend, my best friend from high school, I never spoke to again after her wedding. She moved to Arizona with her new husband (who wasn’t really a fan of me/the concept of her having friends) and also stopped returning my calls.

(Hive, I thought about putting some pictures here. I have them. These were two of my very closest friends. One I never even saw any wedding pictures from—she vanished that completely. So you get this instead.)

In my head, my sister would be my maid of honor and these two girls would be up there with us. That’s not how it will be happening, but I’ve let go of it. I have two awesome girls (who I hope will be in my life for a long time to come and are amazing and steadfast friends) standing up with me (and my best friend with Shamrock).

Ultimately, we’re pretty comfortable with the list we’ve made. It has all the people who are important to us, and the members of our families. If we have some extra room, we have a few more friends and coworkers we’d love to add, but if they can’t be there to celebrate with us, we’re OK with that.

Was there anyone you always thought you’d invite to your wedding that just didn’t make the cut? How did you decide who to cut?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Clover

Location:
Chicago
Wedding Date:
June 2014

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  1. Guest Icon Guest
    C, Guest @ 2:41 pm

    I like “inviting for the future”

    I tried to only invite people I thought I would still know when looking at my photo album ten years in the future, that was my “criteria”

  2. Member
    bighornsheep 115 posts, Blushing bee @ 2:43 pm

    It sucks when things like this happen. :(

    I’ve had a few so-called friends drop off the face of the Earth. I text, no answer. I call, they don’t pick up. If they can’t make an effort, then why should I? Mr Big has had similar people drop in and out of his life too; one of the more recent ones being someone who was basically his first friend when he moved over to Australia.

    It hurts, it really does, but then there are those who stick by you through thick and thin, and you realise the hurt will eventually go away because of them. :)

  3. Member
    campfire 1045 posts, Bumble bee @ 3:20 pm

    The advice that I got was “invite who you would call/who would visit you if you were in the hospital”

    So sorry you and yours friends drifted apart. It’s never easy and even if it doesn’t ACTIVELY hurt, it is still sad.

  4. Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 3:59 pm

    @Mrs. Campfire: I like that one. We kept our invite list pretty small, but I think its still a little broader than that!

  5. Member
    msfilly 827 posts, Busy bee @ 4:23 pm

    I know how you feel. It’s hard when friendships end for no apparent reason. At least when you have a falling out with someone, there’s a definitive end to the relationship, you know? Drifting apart is so open-ended and much harder to come to terms with. Campfire is exactly right; even if it doesn’t actively hurt, it’s still very sad.

  6. Member
    felaine8214 1 posts, Wannabee @ 4:53 pm

    Our wedding is 8/2/14and our guest list is up to 200 people! I have a budget for 150 guests but don’t know where to start as far as who to not invite so your advice is helpful.

    Sorry about your friendships, it’s hurtful when someone you thought was so close just stop speaking to you.

  7. Member
    Mrs. Llama 21 posts, Newbee @ 6:01 pm

    There are a couple girls who I really want to invite, but just can’t – we are at our max! But if you had told me 5 years ago that they wouldn’t be at my wedding, I’d have been shocked. We didn’t have a falling out, but we only talk about once a year. Whatcha gonna do? There’s only so many invites.

    I’m so sorry those girls disappeared from your life :( It sounds like you aren’t too bitter though, and maybe one day you’ll reconnect – you never know!

  8. Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 6:28 pm

    @felaine8214: Its so tricky to figure out–and there’s always going to be someone who’s totally shocked you didn’t invite so&so. There are some helpful flowcharts out there too about who should make the cut. Its tricky though, especially when you have big families.

    @Miss Llama: I know exactly what you mean. How could you not? And yet, you barely talk to them…sad.

    @Miss Filly: @Mrs. Bighorn Sheep: Thanks–losing a friendship is no fun.

  9. Member
    parisian 588 posts, Busy bee @ 7:15 pm

    So sad about drifting apart, but I totally get it, and there are people I thought would be in my wedding who won’t be invited either. Things change, people grow apart. If some of our current friends don’t end up being that important to us 10 years from now, I’m okay with that. The obligatory invites are what get me… ugh.

  10. Member
    Mrs. Milk Cow 209 posts, Helper bee @ 3:21 am

    I like the advice you got! We tried to keep at least our friend groups focused on who we talk to now and who will most likely continue to be there in the future. There are a few we sent save the dates to and now regret because space is so limited and we barely talk to them. But oh well! I’m sorry about your friends, but glad you have girls standing up with you that will stay in your life!

  11. Member
    mswallaby 2069 posts, Buzzing bee @ 6:55 am

    This is one of the hardest things about wedding planning, if you ask me. We got married 3 years after I graduated from college, 5 years after Mr. W graduated from college, and it was really hard deciding which friends to invite, and which ones we had drifted apart from.

  12. Member
    roadtrip 803 posts, Busy bee @ 7:03 am

    I love the advice of “invite your future”–that really makes you think!

  13. Member
    mspalmtree 1122 posts, Bumble bee @ 8:58 am

    I hate reality slaps like this, especially because you know you once could never have envisioned your wedding without these people. It’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry BUT you have a great head about it all – and the thought of inviting for your future is a great one. Just think: their pictures are the ones tainted with having to explain who you are to anyone who asks (especially for future kids) and yours won’t be. :)

  14. Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 9:01 am

    @Mrs. Palm Tree: So true! I was the only non-family member in both weddings, and their kids will be all, who’s she?

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