Probable and Definite No Shows

I mentioned in my last post the forest that is my family. Unfortunately, some of the people in that forest will most likely not be in attendance on our wedding day.

One of the big ones that I have on my list of a hopeful is my mom. I lived with my mom most of my life, all throughout schooling and during most summers when I was in college. She always tried to help me in any way that she could, she spent a lot of time with me while I was growing up, and she encouraged anything I wanted to do or be. Throughout her whole life, though, she has been battling some mental demons, and they like to rear their ugly heads from time to time. She has an especially hard time around holidays and big events; plus, she doesn’t do well in social settings with people she doesn’t know. I would love to have her at our wedding and have her enjoy herself, have a good time. But, if I’m being real, she missed my high school talent shows, barely made it to my high school graduation, and never once visited my college campus, not even for my graduation. As much as I would enjoy having her there, the closer I get to the wedding, the less likely I feel she will be there.

madre

A throwback picture of my mom and me / Personal photo

Another missing piece to the party will most likely be Beauty, Germany’s daughter. I’m not here to air anyone’s dirty laundry, but Beauty has been progressively removed her from our family over the years. For a while, I was able to have contact with my niece, and I loved watching her grow and spending time with her. When Mr. PB and I got engaged, I tried to talk to Beauty’s mom, hoping that things would turn around and Beauty could be a part of my big day. Unfortunately, things have gone in the other direction since then, and I can’t even talk to Beauty anymore. Beauty is smart, though—she knows she has an entire family that loves her. She also knows that I’m getting married and would love nothing more than to have her there.

I know for sure that half of my grandparents and half of Mr. PB’s grandparents will RSVP from above. While we were both fortunate to have time with our grandparents that have passed, I didn’t get to meet either of Mr. PB’s grandfathers, and Mr. PB was only able to meet one of my five deceased grandparents. It’s difficult to think that seven people we loved won’t be with us the day we celebrate our love, but we will carry them in our hearts. We will also find a few ways to honor them.

gmaEgpaD

My Gma E and Gpa D on their wedding day / Personal photo

We also have a few people on both sides of our family that are no longer in touch with the rest of the family. Riffs, silly arguments, big blowouts”¦whatever it may have been, there are members of both of our families that haven’t been in touch with the others for some time and obviously will be on our no-show list.

Geez Louise, this post was a bit rough to write. It’s definitely hard to think about those who will not be there in March, but I know that they wouldn’t want thoughts of them to bring about sadness. If Gma E saw me getting all sappy and dwelling on the negative, she would tell me to “Go lay down”—her way of telling me I was being crazy and ridiculous. I’m going to choose to do nothing but feel the love of those who aren’t with us on our wedding day.

Do you have family that you are going to be missing when you say “I do,” either deceased, disconnected, or otherwise absent? How are you going to honor them the day of you wedding?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Phone Booth

Location:
Rochester, NY
Wedding Date:
March 2014

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  1. Guest Icon Guest
    Alison, Guest @ 9:24 am

    Boy do I. I was born in Canada, raised in Australia and now live in America with my guy. No matter where we could have our wedding, there would have been a huge chunk of important people who can’t make the trip. I have family/friends in all three of those locations and it makes me sad knowing a lot of them won’t be here come June. Not their fault, flights are expensive, but I do wish more of my near and dearest could be there to celebrate with us.

  2. Member
    MoopersMom 92 posts, Worker bee @ 9:25 am

    I lost my mom this past November and my dad has been gone for 6 years, so I’ll be missing both of my parents. Also, my FH’s mom was killed when he was only 15 years old so we’ll be missing her as well. I have made small charms with each of their photos that will be attached to my bridal bouquet to carry down the aisle with me. It will be our somewhat private way to honor them. I will also probably wear a piece of my mom’s jewelry that day.

  3. Member
    Mrs. Llama 21 posts, Newbee @ 9:50 am

    Thank you for writing this, PB. It’s important to remember those who we wish could be there, and in my case, it makes me count my blessings! Just the other day, I said to Mr. L: “Can we PLEEASE have Nonni and Poppi (my deceased grandparents) at the wedding??” But I am thankful for all the other wonderful people who are present and will be celebrating with us. Thank you!

  4. Member
    texasaggiemom 595 posts, Busy bee @ 10:10 am

    What a thoughtful and articulate post! I hope it brings encouragement to all the brides in similar situations, and a reminder to be thankful to those who won’t have to deal with these issues. Really hoping your niece will be allowed to be a part of your wedding!

  5. Member
    roadtrip 803 posts, Busy bee @ 10:42 am

    That’s so tough about your mom, PB, but I’m sure it’s a lot easier for you both knowing the reasons why and the strength of your relationship outside of the holidays and big events :)

  6. Member
    mspalmtree 1122 posts, Bumble bee @ 11:46 am

    Oh, I’m still so sad that my grandmother wasn’t present at our wedding. She passed while I was in college and even though she would have had a FIT that it wasn’t a traditional Catholic ceremony, she would have been so happy – she always loved Mr. PT. Thank you for writing this, Miss Phone Booth. I think it’s a great post. <3

  7. Member
    msbicycle 718 posts, Busy bee @ 11:52 am

    I totally feel you on all of this… Let me tell you from the other side that although a part of you will be upset if/when certain people ar not thre, you will still have the most amazing day surrounded by plenty of people who love you.

  8. Member
    parisian 588 posts, Busy bee @ 12:26 pm

    I have a large family as well and there are ALWAYS rifts and drama between the siblings. I don’t THINK that there are any currently, but a lot can change in 7 months, so it’s hard to say if we’ll be faced with that. I know travel will keep some people away too. It will be tough, but we will enjoy those who are there and still have a great day of feeling loved and supported!

  9. Member
    rucksack 518 posts, Busy bee @ 1:27 pm

    I so get this. Before the big day, we were also saddened by some of the important missing people from our wedding. I shed some tears thinking about it at first, but on the actual day of the wedding we were just happy to be with the people that could make it!

  10. Member
    Mrs. Pyramid 100 posts, Blushing bee @ 4:40 pm

    I’m looking forward to seeing how you honor your grandparents – we’re definitely wanting to do that for ours.
    And my grandma’s way of showing you were being silly and ridiculous was to say “oh poof!” which we have all now adopted.
    We’ve got some familial discords too, and I’m doing like you and just accepting that some people won’t be there. If they haven’t been in my life, then no need to now, you know?

  11. Guest Icon Guest
    Amy, Guest @ 7:10 pm

    I’m so sorry about your mom. You wrote about the situation with such grace and maturity, and I’m sorry that the situation isn’t simpler. The day might have little bits of sadness mixed in with all of that crazy joy, but so does life, right? I know you day will be beautiful, and I’m glad you wrote this post.

  12. Member
    gondola 1046 posts, Bumble bee @ 9:24 pm

    So sad to hear about your mother, but I’m so glad you’ve come to terms with everything. You’re amazing.

  13. Member
    luluvohn 1194 posts, Bumble bee @ 5:58 am

    My dad died when I was 12, so not only will he not be at the wedding, but FI never got to meet him (and neither did the vast majority of my bridal party who are my nearest and dearest friends). We also only have one surviving grandparent between us, who FI met at Christmas this year.

  14. Member
    Mrs. Clover 123 posts, Blushing bee @ 6:50 am

    My grandma in California has Alzheimers so she will probably not make it–and now my grandpa is saying he might not come too. I think my dad is even more upset than I am.

  15. Member
    jess 302 posts, Helper bee @ 10:41 am

    Props to you, Miss PB, for writing this post! And I admire how respectful and understanding you are of your mom, even though it is disappointing that she may not be at your wedding. Perhaps she can be the first one to see your professional pictures/video once you get them, as something special you two can share together!

    Both of my parents decided not to come to our wedding. And my grandparents were too old to travel to it. It’s definitely not ideal, but you learn to deal.

    Wishing you all the best!

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