Weddingbee Blog

I like to think of myself as our little family’s CFO (that’s Chief Financial Officer). Giving myself a title frees me to be detailed and business-like about our finances, helps put me in the right frame of mind to update my guy, and makes me a little less grumpy about the time I spend paying bills, calling the stupid cable company because they’ve screwed up my bill yet again, and keeping track of mountains of paperwork.

And I even have an office with a view (oh, and it IS in the corner of the house!). Now if only I was cool enough for an assistant…

Anyway, I see my role as the family CFO as extremely important. Not only do I handle the tactical stuff (paying bills, checking balances, filing records), I help frame and recommend strategic decisions. Do we want to take a yearly vacation? What’s more important to us, eating out or keeping the Home Depot stock afloat? Should we rent or sell our extra house?

Today, for example, I will update our net worth spreadsheet (which feels like a facetious title right now, but won’t always be that way!), look at our list of projects and wants to see what will fit into the budget, and then meet my guy for lunch to do a quick review. If anything weird shows up on our statements, our balances hit a fun target (we watch our mortgage closely), or I pay something big off, I’m sure to share.

See, I’ve always done this - well, at least since early in our relationship. But during one of our arguments, it was mentioned that one of us did everything around the house and the other did not.

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Oh, invites, how I abhor you. While I was never brave enough to avoid you altogether — the nerd in me still loves paper goodness — I was also unwilling to spend gobs of money and time on you. So you cost me more than I wanted, and failed to bring me any joy. I put you in the mailbox with a smile on my face, happy that you are on your way to our people, and happier yet that you are no longer in my house or on my mind.

Much as I’d like to vent and analyze, I have decided not to spend one second more obsessing over invitations. Well, except for this post. They have the correct date, time, location, and website information, and will serve their purpose — to invite. Will they delight? Not likely. Will they cause the receiver to think we’re cheap? Perhaps. Will anyone not come because they were disappointed in our invitations? Nope.

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“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”

-Ambrose Redmoon

I struggle with forgiveness — of myself, of others, of the world at large. Cloaking myself in hurt or anger is somehow more comforting and safe than moving on. I don’t know why. Who wants to be hurt or angry? It’s not like it feels good. I always feel lost, though, in the moment between the apology and whatever comes next. I think (and will ask), “Are we just supposed to go back to normal? Do I pretend it never happened? How do I act now?”

For me, at least, it has taken great courage to return his peace offerings, be they an actual apology, invitation to watch the sun set, or my favorite bad treat. Gestures of forgiveness are easier for me to give than accept, the former feeling like a position of strength more than the latter. But that’s just me. I’m a work in progress — I like to think of that as one of my charms.

Anyone else find it easier to be the apologizer than the apologizee?

I have hit upon the perfect analogy for wedding planning, and you know how much I love a good analogy. The epiphany is almost good enough to improve my morning, in fact.

You know how, even after a relatively relaxing weekend, you just can’t get going on Monday morning? Despite two cups of coffee and a real desire to get out of the doldrums, your brain can’t think of the right words and your eyes keep wanting to close? You remember having a bazillion things to do when you finally stopped working on Friday afternoon, but you can’t think of a single thing that seems critical right now?

And do you ever feel, on Monday mornings, that you have all the time in the world to get things done, so maybe you’ll just ease into the week by reading a few blogs and catching up with your peeps about their weekends? And you know (oh, you know) that at some point, you’ll be slammed with everything all at once, but right now, you’ll keep believing it won’t be so bad? And that the weekend is so. far. away. that of course you’ll have plenty of time to get everything done, how could you not with five whole days to fit it in?
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One of my friends and her husband asked each other, “Will you forgive me?” instead of saying, “I’m sorry.” In looking back at the lead-in to the battles between my guy and I, I’ve notice that the escalation often begins with the first “I’m sorry.”

I’m not gonna lie, I’m the one that gets all worked up over a bad apology. “I’m sorry that you are so upset” doesn’t cut it in my book. Neither does, “I’m sorry but you really ticked me off when…” or, “I”m sorry I have a bad temper.” Apologizing that we’re fighting isn’t what I’m looking for, ya know?

You sweethearts will likely point me to “The Five Languages of Apology” by the author of “The Five Love Languages”, and you’ll be absolutely right that it’s a super fantastic book. My guy, however, doesn’t learn particularly well from reading. {I know, weird, right?} He’s an experiential learner, which means that until he experiences something — or can find an experience in his past that relates in some way — he doesn’t really “get it”.

I have a cat that beats up dogs… well, he’ll try.
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Hey, y’all. I’ll be bee-roadcasting on Bee TV starting at about 6pm EST, and I’ll be on until it stops being fun (and believe me, compared to the other stuff I have to do, this will be fun). Since I don’t sing or dance (like Mrs. Avocado) and I lack crafty talents, I’m offering you the one thing I can do: be honest and have an opinion.

That’s right, today’s Bee TV session will be “Ask Anything with Miss Cheese”. If you ask, I’ll answer. Join me, and we’ll see if we’ll be pulling out a therapist’s couch, taking a tour of la Casa de Queso, or refereeing a fight amongst the Cat Mafia.

It’ll be fun… and if not fun, funny.

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This is, by far, the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m okay with that. I’ve failed at relationships because I didn’t try hard enough, so I accept that getting along with someone — especially when you have my strong personality and he’s no doormat — is sometimes going to be frustrating and exhausting.

But boy, I didn’t realize it would be this hard. Nor did I realize that fighting well is definitely a skill, one in which I am still a struggling amateur. After a small thing turned into a very large blow-up last night, I had time to myself — alone in bed with the company of two dogs and a cat — to think about my fighting style.
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Early on in our wedding discussions, my guy mentioned three things he wanted: 1) a yummy cake, 2) our wedding at home, and 3) to look like James Bond.

Not able to afford Brioni suits, we went on a hunt for the same look: classic, but with modern tailoring. My guy’s interpretation was a black two-button suit with flat-front pants. Did you get that? Two button suit with flat front pants. And therein began a six month’s long search that finally (FINALLY) ended at Macy’s.com with the Tommy Hilfiger Black Trim Fit Suit Separate.

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{Public service announcement from the Bee-roadcast System: Macy’s is having a one day sale TODAY, and that suit is another $80 off, so it’s now less than half of the original price. Go now. And thanks to Pengy for getting this post up ASAP so that you’d be able to save some dough.}
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Alas, my beloved Canon Powershot SD1100, which I bought less than a year ago, has decided to stop loving me back. As of yesterday, all outdoor pics are horribly overexposed — to the point where they’re all white. Sigh. I’d so hoped to show you pictures of our backyard (aka ceremony site) where my honey has spruced up the trail with bee-yootiful gravel. Oh, and did I mention that we spent the weekend clearing loads (LOADS) of underbrush, freeing poor neglected shrubbery from crazy vines, and that OUR CEREMONY SITE WAS SUDDENLY AND FABULOUSLY AWASH IN PURPLE FLOWERS? Yea. And there were cute puppies rolling around in those fields of flowers, all for you.

Argh. The more I write about it, the more frustrated I get.

So, I’ll find other things to write about while I come up with a camera solution that hopefully doesn’t involve my buying a new one. With six weeks to go until our wedding, though, I can’t really afford to wait weeks to get my camera fixed under warranty.

ARGH!

Your turn. Are you dealing with unexpected expenses or other frustrations on this (for me, anyway, cold and dreary) Monday?

The question sits with me often and I don’t have an answer yet.

Putting together our playlist, I see “What a Wonderful World” in my music file, and I wonder if I should include it. See, that song was our first song at my first wedding, so maybe not. And yet, I love that song - that’s WHY it was our first song. I’m still me, and I still love it… so then yes. Except, I’ll be reminded of my first wedding at my second and that seems a little bit, I don’t know, wrong.

I’m considering wearing my favorite pair of flats for the trek to our ceremony and back… but I bought them on a trip with my ex-husband, a trip we’d spent all of our money on and really I shouldn’t have been buying a pair of shoes, much less at full price, but he pushed me into it and I’ve loved them ever since (5 years!). So is that a yes, because I love them, or a no, because that memory comes up each time I see them?

I remind myself that I won’t be able to avoid thinking about my first wedding, my first marriage, my (only) divorce. That’s the thing about weddings - they really are about your past meeting your future, and my past includes a failed marriage. And the thing about the past is that it’s impossible to cleanly divide. Memories are shared, so I can’t say that a song or place or experience is “mine” if my ex-husband was there. The thing about marriages? You really do become a part of “our”, as unable to separate yours from his as to separate the grains of sand in the ever popular wedding sand ceremony.
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I play this little game when I get overwhelmed with wedding details called, “I can’t wait until…” I think about all of the things that will come after our wedding, from the mundane like health insurance for my guy (no more hearing him complain about phantom aches and pains) to the rock-our-world things like becoming parents.

And the best part is that, a la Operation Perspective, every time I think about my photographer, I end up in playing the game. Why? Because she specializes in family and maternity photography, and she’s AWESOME.

See for yourself (all images copyright Angela Herzog Photography 2009)….

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I’ve had a few (!) makeup trials, mostly at department store makeup counters. Here’s some of what I’ve learned/ suggest to those of you considering DIY bridal makeup:

• Contrary to popular opinion, I’d recommend putting on your own makeup before heading to a makeup consultation or trial. Laura may disagree, but I’ve found it helpful to be able to say, “I was thinking about doing my makeup like this. What do you think?” Plus, if you’re looking for one specific product, you can see how it fits in with everything else. The woman helping me with concealer noted that I needed more eyeliner; the sweet girl helping me at Sephora pointed out that I needed more blush.
• Wear white. Seriously. You will look different than when wearing a color, and if you change into white from turquoise, you will discover that maybe you need more color.
• Ask for advice. “What do you think about my eyeshadow? Should I put it here or here?” People are always willing to offer advice.
• Have the consultant do one eye/ cheek/ half of your face, and ask to do the other yourself. How many times have I gotten home and loved it, then failed at recreating it myself? Many. It’s like homework - you don’t know what you don’t know until you try it yourself.
• Meet a friend after to get an opinion, but don’t tell them in advance. If you get a, “Whoa, you look GREAT!” you’re on the right track. If you hear, “Hi! What’s with the makeup?” then maybe you’re not on the right track… or it could be that they’re used to seeing you bare-faced in sweats.

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I almost completely forgot to blog about this, what with the chaos of ripping up our front yard to fix the drainage system and trying to get invites out the door.

I bought shoes!

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They’re happy, comfy, and will match my bouquet (um, maybe)… yay! Oh, yea, and ON SALE. For less. than. thirty. bucks. including. tax. Score! I’ll change into them after traversing the path to our ceremony site (which is now lined with gravel courtesy of my man).

So, that’s the good news.

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I just had to share this advice I got from a reader, Jen, who left neither a blog link nor email, but to whom I am indebted.

Due to factors beyond our control, my husband and I had only about two months to plan our wedding — the whole thing! This meant that my dreams — both for a few expensive splurges and for DIY-simple (which can often require more planning/time than the ready-made store-bought things) — all had to bow to The Possible.

What budget-friendly reception venues were still un-booked at this point? I took the first one that offered the time-slot I wanted. What dress under $300 did I fit into without needing alterations? I bought it, although the style wasn’t “perfect”…

This was annoying and upsetting during the planning phase… but ultimately freeing. On the wedding day, I knew I’d done the best I could with the time & money I’d had… and that freed me (usually a such control freak) to let go.

As a result, my personal advice to all my soon-to-be-married friends is: don’t just budget your money… budget the time you let yourself plan. Even if it’s something “cheap” or a “minor detail” giving it too much time will make it expand until it feels like a “big deal”. Save yourself the emotional explosion.

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[Note: this is from a few weeks ago. I did not lose my sh!t twice in two days, though I seem to be careening crazily in that direction.]

I had one of those moments today, moments when you step back from yourself in stunned surprise at the path of your thoughts. I was standing in front of a smorgasbord of makeup options, trying to decide if I needed a ten-palette eyeshadow or if three was enough, thinking that maybe I should just give in and order that “bridal palette” I saw advertised in a magazine.

What is it about a wedding that suckers you into doing (and thinking!) things that are totally out of character? Don’t get me wrong, I once owned 90% of the eyeshadow colors sold by Aveda. I like pretty fancy shimmery pretties just as much as the next girl. But since those days, I’ve found that I’m just as happy with drugstore products when I bother to wear them. Case in point: I stopped at Walgreens on the way to our engagement photo shoot and grabbed the first dark brown eyeshadow palette that was on sale, and I was quite happy with it.

For me, the sucker factor is that it’s a special day.
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