Weddingbee Blog

Dear Weddingbee,

My normally very outgoing, super gregarious fiance says he feels too shy to do a first dance at our wedding.  He says that he will feel really shy to be so lovey-dovey in front of everyone and that the idea of everyone watching him dance (or even just sway) makes him incredibly nervous. I said that we didn’t have to do a first dance, but I was really disappointed. After seeing how sad I was about it, he agreed that we could do the dance, but I know it’s going to be not at all enjoyable for him. Should we just not do it then? I feel like it’s not worth it if we’re not both into it. But I feel like we’ll be missing out on a sweet moment! Any advice?

Thanks

Dear Weddingbee, 

My wedding is about a month away, and I’m starting to get a little anxious about the big plunge. Suddenly, I find myself being attracted to my fiance’s good friend.  Although I’m not seriously entertaining the thought, is this kind of thing normal? Like, some biological pull away from mating for life? There aren’t any red flags in my relationship, and I’ve been able to tell my fiance that I’m feeling nervous about the commitment. He’s been working really hard, and I’m off for the month before the wedding so that might be it. I’d be curious to hear what anxieties/jitters other brides or future brides are having, since I don’t think this subject is talked about much.

Anon

I need some outside advice as I just haven’t been to that many weddings! Since I am of African heritage, I plan to have a african dance troupe perfom during my reception ( about 20 mins) as a tribute to my heritage.  However I have no idea when they should perform during the reception.  I’ve heard so many things and I just need a little advise from the hive.  Some people say that folks won’t pay attention if you have a performer while they are eating.  Have you ever been to a reception where there was a performance- when did they perform?  Please let me know when you think the best time for the performance is
 
1) after my fiance and I are announced (for this option we will postpone our first dance until after dinner has been served)
2) after my fiance and I have our first dance, before appetizers are served
2) after the toasts; during appetizers
3) during the main course
 
Thanks in advance for the advice,
 
Laura

We have a guest dilemma. Because our best man’s wife is on long-term assignment in Europe, he usually brings along his good buddy “Joe” when we hang out. BM was just married and will take the honeymoon right after our wedding, so his wife can’t make the trip. We totally understand this, but now our BM has said that because he’s traveling to HI (our wedding destination), Joe will be coming along so that they can go scuba and hang out. We are feeling awkward about Joe being on the island and not coming to the wedding and aren’t sure how to handle this. BM just mentioned this in a conversation and said that Joe could just do something else the night of the wedding. He did not ask if Joe could come.

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Dear Weddingbee:

Our wedding date is August 11th.  We originally wanted a wedding with only 100 guests and picked our site based on that number.  We thought that we could easily invite 120 guests and expect 20% or so not to show; unfortunately, as things tend to go, my mother added immediate family members from her side of the family that she conveniently did not say we needed to invite but who were obviously offended, my fiance’s mother added a friend, etc. until our guestlist expanded to 148 guests (including ourselves, the photographer, and his assistant).  I am not narcissistic enough to think that everyone is coming because of us–unfortunately, we’re in the SF Bay Area, where people have relatives and like to make a trip of for personal reasons; many of my parents’ friends who we thought would not make it are coming.

I’ve been getting an early start on the headcount because of course, people state they are bringing guests when “& Guest” was NOT even on their invitation and then there are other cousins we didn’t invite trying to invite themselves to our wedding; I’ve told them no but stated that I have a waitlist open.

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We are having an intimate 80-90 person wedding in two months. The invitations were mailed last week. Because of our desire to keep the event small-ish and the size of our reception location, we did not include “& guest” invitations, and only invited husbands & wives / extremely long term significant others.

Last night we received a phone call from FI’s uncle, requesting if his 23-year-old daughter’s boyfriend (of six months) could come. See, said uncle is viewing the wedding as a family reunion (as we had previously agreed to toast to FI’s grandparent’s 65th-wedding anniversary at the rehearsal dinner). He said that this would be a good opportunity for the family to meet the new boyfriend and “we should at least invite him to the rehearsal dinner.”

I’m completely torn … angry and feeling very imposed upon, wanting to stand my ground since we’ve had such a hard time with the wedding thus far, but also hesitant to be termed “the bit&#%%”.

HELP! (And, just to give you an idea of how out of control this has gotten … our rehearsal dinner invitation list is already 60 people due to the fact that FI’s mother is inviting everyone to celebrate her parent’s anniversary)

Emily

Dear Weddingbee:

I just got engaged 2 weeks ago.  We told my parents that weekend and they are ecstatic. My mom and I already started planning for a wedding we said would occur late next summer.
 
The FI’s parents are a slightly different story.  As immigrants that aren’t fully assimilated into the American culture, they were never ecstatic that he was dating a girl that wasn’t the same ethnicity as him (even though we are both East Asian.)  The FI has been dropping hints that he’s getting married, as he hasn’t been able to tell them fully yet, but the vibe he got back was “not now.”  After suggesting that he was thinking of getting married next summer, his mother stated that it was too soon and she would prefer that we delay it until 2009 so that she can “get to know me” better; even though there hasn’t been much of an attempt the last few years and she’s grown accustomed to her only son dating someone outside of their ethnicity.

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We had engagement pictures done at the beginning of May, and I just received my prints yesterday that I ordered. There were several things that occured during our experience with the photographer that I am becoming increasingly upset about - and I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on whether or not I should say something to her, complain, write a letter, etc.

1. I chose this photographer based on a kiosk in the mall. I really liked what I saw and picked up the brochure that was there. In the brochure, it stated that if you spent between $0-$250 on ordered prints, you could buy the “proofs” for $49. There was a $100 “creation fee”/sitting fee. So, going into this, I figured, okay, we’ll just buy the proofs and this will cost us $150 total. Well, we went in to see our proofs, and told her we were basically just interested in buying those. Well, IN FRONT OF US, she grabbed the brochure and crossed out the $0, then told us we would have to spend $250 in order to even BUY our proofs FOR $49! We were totally thrown for a loop and ended up walking out of there not even ordering anything. After some prodding, she printed out a thumbnail print of each photo that I took home to order from later (even that was like she was going out of her way). Read more…

Hi,

My sister and I got married a few months apart but had very different weddings. I got married in a hotel ballroom in New York while she got married in Asia. I planned my whole wedding while she had to rely on others for advice and planning. Recently, she confided in me that she was unhappy with our mother’s lack of interest and participation through her wedding process and on her wedding day. My experience was different because I had complete control of my wedding and I delegated tasks to everyone in the wedding party. My sister, however, felt like she needed guidance because she wasn’t familiar with wedding traditions in Asia and our mother simply did not step up to help her even after she asked.

A good friend of mine got married last year and I noticed that her mother stayed behind the scenes. What are the duties or what kind of expectations do brides have of their mothers? How involved were your mothers? I usually hear stories of brides complaining about their mothers or their in laws getting too involved and not the other way around.

A

Suzi asks:

My father insists on walking me down the aisle, but refuses to have a father-daughter dance. I don’t want him to participate in a tradition I find outdated nor want (him giving me away) but not participate in a tradition that I’ve looked forward to since I’ve gotten engaged.

Would it be wrong of me to ask that he dance with me at my wedding AND walk me down the aisle or ask that he do neither?

Amy asks:

How do I tell a very close friend who expects to be a bridesmaid that she will not be part of my wedding party? Or is it just wrong to ask someone who I’m not as “close” with, but I think will do a much much better job as a bridesmaid instead? The basis of my decision is b/c I work a ridiculous amount of hours and need my entire wedding party to lend a helpful hand.

Our venue requires liability insurance from our vendors. Is this standard for most places? Our event coordinator says it is. If anyone has gone through this process I’d really appreciate some suggestions/advice. Do most vendors carry liability insurance?

WP

I would like to plan a traditional church wedding with a reception following in the fellowship hall. In my head, I would love to have music and dancing. (Nothing that would be unappropriate at the church of course.) However, I have had people comment to me that you should NEVER have music or dancing at the church, even in the fellowship hall for a reception. I wanted to know what others thought about doing this. Did you have music and dancing at your church wedding. It’s a Christian church not belonging to any denomination.

- Amanda

Dear Weddingbee,

We’re having a huge church wedding and reception, but would still love for everything to look beautiful! Unfortunately neither of us have an eye for design so we were considering hiring an interior designer to create a cohesive vision for us. We know that floral designers often handle the decor, but a fellow church member is doing our flowers for us and while they’re great with flowers, they don’t have experience with the details that pull an event together.

How are you putting together an overall vision for your wedding, especially if don’t have an eye for design? Are you designing your wedding yourself or enlisting the help of an interior designer, florist, wedding planner, friend, family member?

Thanks!

ec

Since the beginning of my relationship with FI over 3 1/2 years ago, his brother and (now) sister-in-law have been rude and horribly disrespectful to me. About a year and a half ago, they started attacking FI’s parents and FI, making cutting remarks and excluding them from their child’s life and major events/holidays/etc. FI tried talking to his brother dozens of times over that year about how he and his wife treat us, but he blamed his wife and made some excuses. Nothing happened. We decided to try ignoring their poor behavior– we invited them to holiday gatherings and gave gifts to them & their child for birthdays and holidays. I guess you could say we took the route of *kill them with kindness* and hoped they’d come around. They didn’t and things just went from bad to worse.

Then, five months ago, FI’s brother and wife made a very sudden, very public scene in front of FI and all his friends. They screamed at him that they hate me, that we are trying to make them look bad, that we’ve spread rumors around to friends about them. Nevermind that it wasn’t true, they just kept screaming some pretty unforgivable things. FI and I decided after days of tears that they would not be welcome in our home or at our wedding. We told FI’s parents and asked that they respect our decision. At first they did, but recently I found out that they didn’t. They’ve been bringing it up to FI when I leave the room, when he’s at work, or when they know I’m not home. FI told them to stay out of it, that the decision stands, and that if his brother had a problem with it *he* should be calling to talk (since he hasn’t called in over a year). Yesterday, FI’s parents rescinded their wedding gift (which we were using to help pay for the wedding).

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We decided on a Sunday wedding to save money. It’s an evening wedding, because the reception venue won’t let us start any earlier than 5 pm. Originally, I was fine with the possibility of guests leaving early, because I know our closest friends and fam are cool with taking Monday off from work. (And guests leave early from Saturday weddings, right?) But now I’m starting to have “Sunday guilt.” Will people see our wedding as an inconvenience?

Jen