Are/were you and your SO on the same page when it comes to having children (or not)? Have your views on having children (when, how many, etc.) changed since you were engaged or first married? If so, what changed your mind/views/timeline? Bee parents: How did you and your SO decide when you were ready to start trying to have children? Did any specific life events influence your decision?
Ah yes, the baby timeline. I had it all worked out. We’d get engaged, get married sometime the next year, wait a year and then get pregnant…then have a second one when the first was about two…that would make us 36 and 38 at which time we would figure out if we wanted a third. The funny thing about timelines, is that they seem so necessary…and to a certain point, they are…I mean, it would have made no sense to wait ten or so years to experience our marriage and then have a baby because we didn’t get married until I was 32 and he was 34. But the reality is that sometimes timelines are just too much pressure.
Have we followed our timeline pretty consistently? Sure. Would it have killed us to have strayed from the timeline? No…it probably would have helped us feel less pressure. The truth is, there is no GOOD time to have a baby. Sometimes the best timing is the unexpected timing because without it you wouldn’t understand how much control you have to relinquish when you have kids. period.
I will say, that the most comforting thing that my husband and I experienced when making that final yes-we’re-ready-to-try-to-start-a-family NOW decision was witnessing two of my most eccentric and opinionated and unique friends have a baby together and seeing how it both did and did not change who they were as people.
Mr. HC and I talked about two things early on in our relationship (that I brought up because I knew they would be deal breakers for me if he felt strongly otherwise): having children and living in New York City. Thankfully, we agreed on both of them (yes we want children and yes we want to live in NYC). Whew. With that out of the way, we did not discuss children for a long time. If we did, it was like, “Would you want YOUR kids to…” or phrased in a non-committal way. Once we got engaged, in context, they became “OUR kids…” but it still came up rarely.
Once we got married, the questions started coming. It seemed like everyone and their mother’s-cousin’s-aunt’s-best friend’s-dog wanted to know if and when we were having kids. Although we had reached a point of being able to talk about it semi-regularly, neither of us feel ready. We have talked about what is important to us (good schools, Jewish sleep away camp, having our first child before I’m 30, and hopefully staying in Manhattan), but we still somewhat disagree on how many. I’ve always wanted four kids, and Mr. HC feels like that might be…a lot. I think we’re both willing to wait until we start having kids to decide how many!
We have also talked about a timeline—at what point we will start considering children (just in case you’re curious, we were looking at about 4 years from the wedding, so just over 3 years now). From time to time throughout our relationship, we have discussed our opinions on different options and situations should they arise concerning children, and whether we agreed right away or saw two different viewpoints, we also managed to work it out to a happy place for both of us. Though I am not ready right now, I am definitely looking forward to my future Hermit Crab babies, and fingers crossed for a little red-headed girl!
We’re on the same page with kids. We both love them, neither of us have them, and neither of us want any of our own. Nothing changed after our nuptials, though people have certainly become less shy about asking when kids are coming.
It would cramp our lifestyle (ability to reach certain goals, financial, career-wise, and personal), to be that way about it.
There are lots of other personal factors, too; it was never been presented to me as a good idea. My own parents complain until the end of time about how marriage and child-rearing was the end of perfectly lovely lives. (Don’t feel bad, ’tis what it is. Their own bad decisions led them to this point, I say.)
Finally, my dad was 52 when I was born and I’m an only child. Only childdom is hard when a parent is older, and, of course, older parents tend to only have the, uh, space for one kid. It all worked out more or less OK, but I wouldn’t want to be an older parent, myself. Mr. T will be 38 in September, and we decided that we didn’t want him to be a first-time dad at 40. I’ll be 30 in October, BTW.
We’re not on the same page, but we’re at least in the same book. We both want kids eventually, but he wants them sooner and I want them later. He wants three and I want one or two (funny enough, he comes from a family of two children; mine had three). The only thing that’s changed since we got married is that we have *both* pushed back our timelines: he once talked about having kids while I was in law school; now he is just thinking early 30s. I used to think I wanted to start by 33; I would be very, very happy to wait another 5-7 years to start trying!
We are both (mostly) on the same page, although I think Wifey Stripes is reading a bit, ahem, faster than I am, and would love nothing more than to have a lil’ Stripe now. I am more pragmatic though, and need a few more years career wise/financially to feel comfortable. My views on having children have changed pretty dramatically since I was younger, from NO kiddos to I’ll adopt to I can’t wait to raise (a) child with this amazing woman I’m married to. Sometimes we wax poetic about having two, but we also know we want to continue traveling and maybe start our own business, so we’re only committed to one right now. Timeline wise, we’re thinking 2 or 3 years—enough time to be selfish (me) quit smoking (Wifey Stripes) and enjoy our lives with our furry (for now) family.
Before we got married—heck, before we got engaged, we talked babies. We discussed how big a family we wanted and how quickly it was going to happen. I wanted to get married first. It seemed to be the natural way to go about it. So I knew after being married it wouldn’t take years until we would try for our first child.
After being married for 6 months, we decided we wanted to start trying. It was a mutual decision and honestly, the baby fever officially kicked in. The turning point? Our best friends were expecting and that gave us that extra push. (A good push.) I decided to get off the pill and if it was meant to be, it would happen. Even if we weren’t in a rush to get pregnant it was actually more stressful than I had anticipated. Every month I would wish that I wouldn’t get the monthly visit and every time I was slightly disappointed, more and more each month.
We tried for 6 months, with no luck. I saw it as a sign, since we had just signed for our first home. So we made a mutual decision to wait. At that moment, my plan was back into place. Stay in the house for a year, save up, pay off debt, and maybe travel before having our first child.
It was all perfect in my head, just as I planned everything else in my life. But sometimes planning is meant to backfire…from the moment we decided to wait, I was pregnant. Was I in shock? Definitely, because even if I was ready 6 months prior, I wasn’t anymore. Am I happy I got pregnant? Definitely. Baby Flamingo is the other love of my life.
You are never really ready to have a baby, your life plans don’t always go the way you want, and it’s not always easy. But if you are ready or thinking of babies, let me say this: once you see that ultrasound, hear the first heartbeat, feel your bump move, give birth, and hold your baby in your arms for the first time, you will ask yourself, “Why did we wait this long?”
Both Mr. Penguin and I got married with the intention of having children someday, but someday far off in the future. We were both pretty anti-children at the time we got married, something I relished because I just felt like I was never on the same page as he was as far as “life/love” topics—I felt like I fell in love with him before he fell in love with me, I wanted to get married before he did, and all the little moments in between—I “went first.” It felt good to finally share something in common: wanting to have kids, but not anytime soon.
Now that we’ve been married for two years, there has definitely been a shift in both our attitudes, and thankfully, we’re still in tune. We both no longer detest kids. We see them in the streets and we laugh and smile; we don’t scowl and get annoyed. (We both particularly perk when we see Asian kids—because we know that’s what our babies will probably look like!) They cry on planes and we both feel sorry for the poor children…we try to guess why they’re sad. Ears popping? Are they teething age? We’re adjusting to the real possibility that children are in our future, but neither of us are ready quite yet.
One of my biggest fears regarding this topic is that I’ll be ready and he won’t—again, following our typical pattern of me being ready for the next step when he isn’t. But hopefully because he’s three years older than me, he’ll get there the same time I do…or heaven forbid…sooner! 🙂 It will be nice to make our next life decision without me positively begging for it, like I’ve done for everything else in the past.
As for what has caused our shift in attitude? I think I can only chalk it up to time, and age…and a little bit of our adorable niece being born!
Before Professor Paisley and I even started dating, when we were strictly “just friends,” he brought up how he feared his “future wife” would probably want kids, haha. At the time I made a mental note to cross him off my list of potential suitors, since I was sure I’d want at least two children. Fast forward several months, and we were dating. When it got serious about a year later, we had a discussion and he told me he hadn’t pictured kids in his future until meeting me. Awwww.
Still, echoeing Pengy’s sentiments, I feel like I will likely be the one to bring up the discussion of starting to try for a baby. It would be nice if Professor Paisley were to be the one to bring it up, but I doubt that will happen. Sometimes, I wonder, if I never bring it up…would he ever? Maybe not. But, I will give him this: he often says things like “when we have kids…” or gives examples of what kind of dad he hopes to be. He also says that when he has a secure tenure-track position (within two years, hopefully) then we can start trying. I will be 28 then.
However, I’m currently debating changing my career from news reporter to occupational therapist (a much more secure field), which would put me in graduate school until I’m 29. Kids may have to wait a few years!
In the meantime, I’m enjoying my time with Professor Paisley and the freedom of being childless. I’d like to mention that once we have kids, our plan is to continue doing the things we love, mainly traveling. In fact, I grew up in a family that took nearly yearly trips abroad from the time I was a toddler. For those of you worried about travel with youngsters, my mom always says she feels like she was treated better in foreign countries when she had her children with her, so that’s something to keep in mind! Having children doesn’t necessarily mean giving up exciting adventures and travel!
Mr. Socks and I have always been entirely on the same page when it comes to having children. We want two children, we would like to start trying a few years before I’m 30, and we even have a little boy’s name picked out if we should have a boy! We both know that we want to travel and hopefully live abroad in the next few years, and it would be best to do that before we have children.
With Mr. Socks’ work, we might have the opportunity to live abroad for a number of years, which would allow us to save a good amount of money that would benefit our future children. We would want to save as much as possible to be able to come back to the States and settle in our forever home and provide for our family.
It’s a wonderful feeling to be so in tune with each other on this subject—I am so incredibly excited to see my husband as a father, and eager to be a mother myself, but for the sake of our family’s future, we know we should wait a few years. We want to experience as much of life as possible while we are without children so that hopefully we can be rounder, wiser, more experienced human beings before we bring more into the world.
We used to be on slightly different pages, where I absolutely did not want children, and I think he was willing to wait in the hopes that I would change my mind. It didn’t become a big barrier in our relationship, I’m not sure why. I guess he didn’t believe me. Huh.
I’ve had a huge change over the past few years where I now would like to have children. I think. I still question why exactly I want children and whether I would be up for the task, but the assumption at this point is that we’ll have kids.
However, the issue of actually trying to conceive feels far away. I hear a lot about women worrying about having kids before they’re 30 or 35–I’m turning 35 this year, and as much as it would have been nice to take advantage of the better statistics when I was younger, I don’t regret not having children yet because I guess I just wasn’t (and am still not) ready. I don’t think I’ll be devastated if we don’t have children, but I’d be happy to have one as well. We’ll see!
Discussions about kids used to stress us both out…and about a year ago we realized that it didn’t need to be a question when, but if. We don’t actually have to have kids. And both of us felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of our shoulders when we figured this out.
Society places a significant amount of pressure on having kids, but you can have a fulfilling marriage and not have kids. It’s just that no one seems to tell you that.
Now, at some point in the future, it’s possible we might want to have kids. But in the meantime, we’re plenty happy being just the two of us.
I feel very fortunate that Mr. Octo and I have always been on the same page with our thoughts about children. We’ve both always been very certain about the fact that we’d like to be parents someday. I remember being nineteen or so and thinking, “if this thing ends up being serious and we decide to get married, I’m glad we won’t disagree about whether or not to have kids!”
On the other hand, I’m also glad we’re on the same page about the fact that right now. We aren’t ready yet, at all. I always thought I’d want to be a mom before I was thirty, but I’m twenty-six now, and I still don’t feel even a hint of the baby bug. We’re both really excited about the idea (just the thought of him being gentle and sweet with a baby melts my heart!) but when I think about the actual logistics of raising a child, and where we are in our lives right now, something in my gut just says, “nope, not yet.” He feels the same.
So, I guess we’re just playing it by ear. I suspect it will be a little like marriage, actually. We weren’t ready to even think about it for a very long time, and then, one day, we just…..were. I’m trusting that when it’s right, we’ll know.
We do have a running list of potential baby names, though!
I can echo a lot of what Penguin said here… I was ready to be exclusive, be engaged, and be married all before Mr. Tiramisu was. I always worried that I’d be ready for a baby first, as well. We had always talked about having children, but only had a vague “let’s wait a couple of years” type of timeline. Last spring we both found ourselves pretty ready at the same time, which was a huge relief to me. Although I believe you can never truly be READY for such a big change, we both magically wanted to consider starting a family for the same reasons, at the same time, and we were both wonderfully excited about it. A word of advice: even if you think it may take awhile, sometimes “thinking you should start trying” turns into “pregnant” pretty quickly! We were both thrilled and shocked when I found out I was pregnant just as soon as we started trying last summer. This new adventure has definitely brought us closer together, and I cannot wait to see my husband as a father. I am due in March, and have been blogging about the ups and downs of pregnancy as well. I’m sure parenthood is going to change marriage in a huge way, but we’re both excited about turning our family of two into a family of three.
We’re both on the same page. When Mr. Starfish and I were in the early stages of our relationship, I assumed we’d have children within a year of marriage. I’m not really sure what his thoughts were on this. Since we’ve been engaged, my timeline shifted. We thought we’d wait two years post marriage, but now that we are married, we’ve realized you can’t really put a timeline on it. Who knows if we’ll be ready in two years?
We both feel that we are in the early stages of our careers. We both want to feel more settled. We also want to feel more financially secure. While we both know there is never the “perfect time” to have children, we want to have a nest egg saved up. I’m not really sure when we’ll get to the point of feeling ready. I have a feeling I’ll get to it faster, though!
To use the book metaphor, I’d say we’re in the same chapter now, at least. Though I might be a wee bit deeper into it than Mr. Mary Jane. As more relatives and friends become parents (many of them younger than us), I think we’ve both felt our own biological clocks speed up. I’ve definitely noticed a change in the way Mr. MJ talks about future children: they no longer sound like something we’ll revisit at some far off point. (This, as you can imagine, makes me pretty happy!)
A few years ago, I think we both worried about a lot of the things that concern many potential parents. Money, stable employment, a decent home, and time for children. Now, we have most of that under control: it’s only the time that holds us back. As you probably know, we’re both graduate students while both working full time jobs. This affords us very little free time. We’d hate to bring a child into an environment in which he/she is not nurtured to our best ability. And on the flip side, we don’t want to throw a wrench into our school work either. (Something tells me I am *not* one of those superwomen who defends her dissertation while 8.5 months pregnant. I believe the only defending I’ll be doing while pregnant is defending my right to lying on the couch all day with a bucket of cookies.)
The biggest variance in our timelines concerns our right to our own free time. I’ll finish my degree before Mr. MJ finishes his, and then I’ll have some actual free time to use as I wish. (Reading books that aren’t about school, reclaiming long-forgotten hobbies, watching TV, etc.) Is it fair of us to have a baby while Mr. MJ is still in school? Then he gets no time for his own hobbies or endeavors when he finishes his degree. Instead of chilling out in a major way (like I intend to do!), he’d step triumphantly of his stressful doctoral commitments and be immediately consumed by fatherhood. We do understand that there is no perfect time to have a baby, but this is definitely a major decision! And though it’s certainly a joint one, Mr. Mary Jane’s feelings on the subject are key to finding the right time to expand our family. At the most, we’d probably wait 5 more years for children. But a lot can change in 5 years, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see where life and our priorities take us!
Mr. Sand Dollar and I were in tune on kids from the very start. I’m 25, he’s 23, and we’re now expecting our very first baby Sandy! As soon as we tied the knot legally last May, we knew we wanted to start trying. We both felt (and still feel) that we can still enjoy our lives fully with children, and have even more fulfillment once we start our own family. We’re surrounded by great friends and family who went on big adventures with their own kids (a summer RV trip around Europe with two infants? No problem!) and encourage us to embrace it, too. We were never ones to feel that we needed to focus on travel only before kids came.
That said, we pretty much agree that we’d like to stick with 2 (or 3, in case we have 2 of the same gender, and want to try one more time for that little girl or boy) and would like to keep their ages around two years apart, mostly to let my body fully recuperate between each pregnancy. That would put me at around 30 to finish up the baby-making if it all goes to plan. We both wanted to be young parents, and have the time and energy it takes to keep up with multiple kiddos, then attend multiple sports games, and save up for multiple colleges. We cannot be happier that things are starting now, Mr. SD has already purchased teeny little camo boots, and talks about how he’ll get him/her their very first bb gun, and take them hunting, just like his dad did for him. He’d love to have a little boy, though nothing would make him happier than to have a Daddy’s Girl who happens to also adore muddin’ trucks, deer hunting, and going fishing. I’m due in late August!
We were on the same page about kids from when we first started dating. I told him I wanted to have one either already born or in the works by the time I turned 30. I gave birth to our daughter, Piper, three weeks after I turned 30.
Initially, at engagement and our wedding day, our timeline for kids was us waiting a year and then we’d start trying to conceive. Instead, I went off birth control a few months after we got married, and tried for twelve cycles to get pregnant, getting lucky on the 12th go round. We started early according to the timeline we had set previously because we really felt like we were just wasting time for us, as we were kind of just waiting for that magic “One year married” to pass.
Originally, we wanted to wait that year post marriage because it seemed like everyone else did that. When we realized that we had been living together for three and a half years by that point we decided to stop wasting time and go ahead and start trying. For us, we felt ready because we had steady jobs, had just moved to a new bigger place, and we felt our life was lacking. We were done with partying, done with late nights and done with our 20s, so it was time to start building that family we had always wanted. We plan on trying for our second a few months before Piper turns two this year, as we really didn’t want kids too far apart, nor too close. Then, we’ll be done, a family of four.
From the very beginning, I was pretty upfront about wanting to be at least pregnant by the time I turned 30. We definitely both want kids. I want 3, he wants 2, the deal right now is if we have two of the same gender, we’ll try for the third, if not, we’ll evaluate and see how we feel…and then try for the third, ha! Whatever, I get what I want!
We have a timeline for when we’re going to start trying (but Imma keep it a secret for now, just for fun.) I will say, right after we got married, I had the baby fever baaaaad and then we got a puppy and I realized that um, I’d actually be perfectly find waiting a few more years.
So we shall wait, enjoy our lives together, travel, and babies will (hopefully) happen when we’re good and ready!
Mr. P and I have always been on the same page about children. We agreed that we wanted two or three kids. The big decision came when thinking about our age difference. Mr. P is 9 years older than me and even though he’s the guy and timing with children probably isn’t quite as important for him, he knew he didn’t want to be an “old man” when our children graduated from high school. So basically we decided that after the wedding we’d just let nature take it’s course and we’d have kids whenever it happened.
So, kids. Well, playing off Pengy’s answer, we’ve bounced back and forth on who did what first. He wanted to be exclusive before I did and I wanted to be engaged before he did. When it came to kids, we talked about it extensively before we got married. We both thought that about a year after we got married, we’d get serious about trying to have kids. Well, our one year anniversary is 2 months away (so crazy!) and part of us is ready and part of us isn’t. I’m a big time planner, and anytime plans change, I have a hard time with that. But, we both recognize that there are things we have to consider before having kids to make sure that we are emotionally, financially, and all the other things you need to have in place before you have kids. So, we’re figuring that out now, and who knows—2011 could be a good year for us. 🙂
Like several bees have already mentioned, sometimes I feel like there is a lot of pressure involved with having kids. Not only are there all of these timelines and financial burdens, but there’s also just a lot of pressure once you get married to start “popping out babies.”
Yes, my husband and I are on the same page about kids, and no, nothing has changed since we got married. But it’s none of your GD business! 😛 (Ha, can you tell I’m getting really tired of the questions related to baby making I’ve gotten since getting married? Enough already!)
In all seriousness though, some newlyweds choose not to procreate, and that’s perfectly fine. Some want to have babies right away, and others choose to wait a while. Some newlyweds might not even know what they want, and that’s OK too. All of these are great choices, and everyone will ultimately decide to do what is right for them as a couple. In my opinion, the most important part of any big life-changing decision is that both partners want the same thing””that is much more important that what the decision actually is.
**And as a public service announcement to all inquiring minds out there: if a newlywed couple has never talked about having kids, please don’t ask them how soon they’ll be having them. It’s quite annoying!
WE WANT KIDS!!!!! We’ve always wanted kids, we know this from working with kids. No, that never put us off. Mr. G may want kids more than I do. He is CRAZY about them. He’s the one that watches baby videos on YouTube. We are no where near prepared for kids right now, though. We’re not in the right place financially or even geographically. But another plus about getting married young? I’m 25. I’ve got plenty of time. We’ve got time to develop our careers and save up. My ideal age would be 30 but I know later than that wouldn’t be a problem. My mom had me really late in life so I’d like to be a youngish mom though, and I didn’t enjoy being an only child so we have to think about spacing kiddies out. We want to give our parents time hang out with their grandkids too, because their a little older. So I do feel pressure to have kids soon, but I feel even more pressure to have a professional life and get that out of the way first, because I was a latchkey kid and did not enjoy it. It has always been our goal to have a house, kids, the whole shebang; we were both in mutual agreement to that early on.
My MIL asked about children before our wedding reception was even over. We thought that was pretty funny, given that we hadn’t even talked about a timeline yet. Six weeks later, we conceived our “oops” baby!
The Dude and I go through phases where we’re on the same page and phases when we’re not. For a long time, neither of us was thinking about kids anytime in the remote future. And then we got married and something snapped inside me: my biological clock started ticking, if you will. The Dude was getting excited about kids, too, so we thought, “what the hell?” We didn’t exactly “try,” but last August we conceived our Bacon. We were blown away with shock but, once the dust settled, completely ecstatic.
Unfortunately, I miscarried a few weeks later. Being pregnant for those eight weeks (and really, we only knew we were pregnant for about four) increased our desire to have kids exponentially. But we decided to wait a bit to start trying again. Now, the more distance I get from the miscarriage, the more clearheaded I feel about the reality of becoming a mom. I think these days, the Dude is more ready to start trying again than I am. There are a few career and financial goals (as well as personal ones!) that I’d like to accomplish first, as I know those things will all get put on the back burner once we have a child.
Luckily the Dude is a patient guy. I know we will get back on the same page eventually.
Luckily, we have always been on the same page about children—we want kids and the sooner the better! But our chosen careers are kind of holding things up a bit. 🙂 We entertained the thought of trying for a baby this year (my baby fever got kicked into overdrive after the wedding), but I am glad that we decided to wait—we have truly loved this first year of marriage. We hope to have a baby at some point in residency (in the next 3 years), and I can’t even imagine how hard it will be, but also so worth it. We want a lot of kids—4 or 5—nd we also discuss adoption on a regular basis. It should be an adventure; I can’t wait!
We’re relatively on the same page when it comes to children… except for a few things. Mr. D is concerned about being an “old dad” if we start having kids when he is 36 or 37… but the reality is that I don’t want to start having kids till I’m around 31.
Why 31? It will be easier for us to move to England in 2014 (see this post) and I don’t want to have to fill out the paperwork (and pay) for a child to move to England with us. Oh… and moving across an ocean with a child probably wouldn’t be any picnic either. I’d like to live in England for at least two years before we start trying to have kids. This will give me time to establish a career in England, pad our savings and investments and the opportunity to travel Europe and consume all the soft cheese and red wine my heart desires. As much as I’d love to share the experience of being pregnant and giving birth with my close female friends and family—it just doesn’t appear to be in the cards for us. It took me awhile to be okay with this, and if I’m being honest, time to get over the disappointment of my new reality. I love my life with Mr. D, and we’ve each brought so much joy to the other’s life, but there are certain realities to being an international couple that take a bit of time to adjust to.
We’ve only been married for a couple months but it’s already starting to change. When we got married, it was definitely a more distant thought. We figured we could start to think about children in about 5 years. Everyone kept talking about the big 35 mark. So we figured we had until I was 33 to start trying. Then, one of the bees mentioned something about a 2nd kid. Oops, we forgot to plan for when we would have a 2nd kid. I would definitely be post 35 if we waited that long. Life got so stressful after the wedding. Our new lives and new jobs have taken over a lot of our time. I can’t imagine kids right now, but we are thinking sooner than we’d originally thought.
Thankfully, Mr. Turtle and I have always been on the same page when it comes to children. We both adore them. We love laughing at the hilarious things they say and admiring the precious little outfits they wear. However, we just don’t see any of our own fitting into our lives right now. Or anytime soon. Maybe we’ll feel ready for them when we’re 25, maybe when we’re 30. Maybe someday we’ll wake up and be surprised to find out we have one on its way, and by then, we won’t be able to do anything about it but start adjusting to the idea! Who knows how it will all play out? That’s the funny thing about life! So in conclusion, we love children, but we don’t know when the readiness factor will kick in.
I. Adore. Babies. And do you remember Mr. Seashell’s case of baby fever? We can’t wait to start a family. The only piece we’re working on now is balancing enjoying this early phase of marriage and deciding when to pull the goalie. We’re not in any rush this exact second, but we’re really excited for parenthood.
Two-glasses-of-Merlot Ms. Pencils and Mr. Pencils are on the same page—waiting a few years, around about 30 or so sounds about perfect.
But Sunday-afternoon-thinking-about-how-little-time-is-left-before-my-uterus-rusts Ms. Pencils wants a baby now-now-now.
Luckily, I come to my senses and remember why Merlot-me is so chill about this. There’s plenty of time, and we are loving our happy twosome life right now. We have big plans for our world over the next few years, and a baby doesn’t fit yet.
In the meantime, we love practicing. 🙂
Mr. Peep and I have been together for five years, and in that time we’ve become an aunt and uncle four times over (our siblings have been busy!!)—with another niece due any day!! Needless to say, we’ve been around a lot of babies, talked about babies, been exposed to the realistic side of having kids (projectile vomit anyone?), and after a lot of talk—we are totally on the same page.
If we are lucky, we want two little ones. And while we won’t be young parents, I am 100% sure that we’ll be pretty awesome ones.
I just wanted to be that voice for the readers out there who might be on the same page we are—we’re not planning on having kids! Fancee told me on our second date that she knew she didn’t want kids and wasn’t going to change her mind. Was I up for that? Obviously, the answer was yes. My actual answer was, “Well… can we have a dog?”
We do both like kids a lot, but just don’t want our own. We’ve talked about doing foster care in the future, definitely eventually being a host family for a foreign exchange student (you know, once we’re grownups), and we’ve also talked about doing surrogacy for friends who want babies but can’t do the pregnancy thing.
Mr. Lace and I knew we both wanted to have kids, but whenever we talked about it, I wanted to have kids earlier than he did. He wants us to enjoy more married time before we have kids. I’m not in a rush per se, but we currently have different timelines. I would be ready to start trying in a year or so while Mr. Lace doesn’t want to start trying for another 4-5 years. We agreed that if neither of us changed our mind, we’d try in 2-3 years. I’m still thinking I can change his mind when I remind him that according to his schedule, he’ll be almost 60 and still trying to put his first child through college! 🙂 I think I have a persuasive argument because he also wants to retire early.
When Mr. Joey and I got married, we weren’t exactly on the same page. I knew I wanted kids and hoped we’d have them fairly soon. He wasn’t sure about wanting kids at all. Now that we’ve settled into the house and have been married a little while, we are finally on the same page though it isn’t the page I thought we’d be on. Now I’m only about 75% sure I want kids and I don’t want them right away. He feels the same.
We decided we’d wait until my 32nd birthday (next summer) to really discuss kids and the baby timeline. I don’t know what changed for me. I just know I’m not ready to change how we live and how I work. I also don’t think we could afford kids right now. I think Mr. Joey has been around little kids more in the last few years and that has changed his mind (a little) about babies.
We both agree that we are open to adoption and having (just) two kids.
Mr. Cardigan and I are totally on the same page when it comes to kids. We both want them eventually, and we both kind of start freaking out when the topic gets brought up.
We’ve agreed that we’d like to have kids within the next four or five years, but with the situation we are in right now (me just starting my first “grown up” job, him finishing up college), kids seem like an eternity away. We’ll be a lot more willing to discuss the topic once we’re a little more settled and bringing in more money.
Like a few others have said, I’m a bit worried that I’ll want kids before Mr. Cardigan does, because I can kind of see him being the type of person that if I don’t push it, it will never happen. He assures me that’s not true, but at this point I have a hard time ever seeing him wanting to actually start trying.
Luckily we have a few more years before we really start to get serious about kids, but so far it seems like we’re definitely on the same page…I just hope that doesn’t change as we get closer to the end of our 4-5 years!
While Mr. B and I were dating (pre-engagement), I mentioned casually that “it wouldn’t suck” if I got pregnant. Surprisingly, he agreed. We were engaged a few months later.
We’re past the “wouldn’t suck” stage, but we’re not in the “actively trying” stage. We did have a brief fling with pregnancy when I tested positive a few days before Thanksgiving, but it turned out to be a bust. It did feel like the timing was right, but the situation could be better.
Our families would kill us for having a baby while living in Guam, so although we do have good health insurance, it’s off the table for now. I’ll be 30 in a few weeks and he’ll be 32 this year. Our bodies and brains are READY! For now, we’ll continue to treat our dog as a human…
Mr. Rainbow and I both enjoy our dogs. Kids? Not so much. Babies just make me uncomfortable. I don’t like to smell them or hold them, and they don’t pull on my heartstrings even a little bit. We’re both of the mindset that babies, as of now, are a “maybe…maybe not” of the lowest priority. We want to see the world and accomplish our goals before/if we start making mini humans. Neither of us particularly like children, so at the moment, parenthood doesn’t seem appealing to either of us.
That said, we are definitely keeping the possibility open for a change of heart in the long run. Maybe one day I will long for heartburn, nausea, and a massive uterus, but as of now we’re both in the “thanks, but no thanks (but maybe in a long, long time)” camp.
I was ready a bit earlier for babies than Mr. Bluebell, just as I was for engagement, so I was a tiny bit concerned that it might be a recurring problem. However, by the time we stopped BC in 2009, with the intention of waiting a few months before we started trying, we both mutually kind of decided why not get on with it! When I got pregnant a few months later, he was every bit as ecstatic as I was and we had a blissful month or so preparing for the future before I found out we had lost the baby.
Losing her was by far the worst experience of each of our lives. However, we came out of the experience much closer than before, and both much more desperate than ever to start a family. We learned so much about ourselves and each other, and wanted the chance to see our partner finally holding the baby we felt the other deserved.
Unfortunately, my body did not cooperate and it took almost until my baby’s due date before everything was in working order for us to start trying again.
Luckily, only two months later we conceived again! Our son was born in November and watching Mr. Bluebell settle into fatherhood is making me fall in love with him all over again. While having a baby is definitely a lot of hard work, getting to experience it together has greatly strengthened our love, and if anything, we wonder why we didn’t decide to start a family sooner!
We had one parameter at the start before we said our vows: we want babies at some point, but no baby talk until our 1 year anniversary. And we held to that quite easily (me at 27, Mr. Lemon at 30). After that year passed, life had settled down a bit. We had moved, settled into new jobs, and just purchased our first home, but we weren’t chomping at the bit just quite yet. Friends were still getting married and no one was really on to that next stage of life in our circles.
I’m not sure who brought it up again, but the fact that there was no longer anything holding us back came up sometime in our 2nd year. Or was there? We talked at length about how nothing was truly stopping us but ourselves, and what would make the “right time” really “right.” And our conclusion? Just an arbitrary date when we said it was right.
So that’s what we did. I put out the condition that I wanted us to have one more trip “as kids before we had kids” and we scheduled a trip to Walt Disney World the following February. After that… there was nothing in the way. Baby Lemon came into the world last February and has brought us endless giggles ever since.
I wouldn’t change that decision in any way/shape/form, and I love how our family has evolved into 3 people at just the right time. I have no way of knowing when we’ll be able to fully decide if “more than 1” child is in our plans, but for now I’m insanely happy that we have Baby Lemon to share our love with every single day.
What about you? Are/were you and your SO on the same page when it comes to having children (or not)? Have your views on having children (when, how many, etc.) changed since you were engaged or first married?