Communication, Honesty, and Lying – Do you ever lie to your spouse? How honest does the honesty in your relationship go?
Ha! When I lie, it always looks like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
I learned to be honest with myself—not just to others—thanks largely to Mr. T. I’ve historically kidded myself about how well relationships were going or how happy I was in various situations. He taught me how to own the good *and* the bad. This helped me immensely in being honest with other people, also, especially him. And it’s helped me make good decisions about how to deal properly (honestly) with crappy things when they come up.
That said, given my four years of training, I appreciate truth and honesty even more.
This is pretty much the biggest non-negotiable in our marriage. I am incredibly sensitive to lying—big, small, white or red. I’ve personally experienced the heartache and impact that lying and lack of honesty in general can do to a marriage and family. Mr. Pencils knows that even the smallest little thing— whether it’s intentionally withheld or accidentally forgotten—that is not openly or honestly shared is the quickest way to send me off the edge. We’ve both made a very deep commitment to each other by agreeing to never lie, even it seems insignificant or is meant to withhold hurt feelings or harm.
If there’s something that I feel like I shouldn’t tell Mr. MJ, it probably isn’t something I should be doing. He’s very accepting of whatever I say, and I try to afford him the same. So to answer the question: no, we don’t lie to each other. The only exception would be trying to keep the other person from knowing about a birthday/Christmas gift or surprise. You know, fun lies! 🙂
We work on our communication constantly, and have been for a few years now (ever since we realized that almost every argument we had was the result of a misunderstanding, not an actual difference in opinion!). Mr. MJ has read a book called “Are You Really Listening” and he learned a lot from it. He wants me to read it too; I just haven’t taken the time yet. But he has shared some of the things he learned from it: like acknowledging what the other person said with a comment like “so it sounds like you’re saying you would like to _________.” An acknowledgement like this can totally save you from arguments, it’s amazing! Because you can then say “yes that is what I meant,” or “no actually, that isn’t what I meant at all.” Little tricks like that keep us in check, and keep us healthy in the knowledge that we’re both worthy of each others’ respect and trust.
Nope, we don’t lie to each other. Early in our relationship, I would “withhold information” from him, but as we went along, I figured that if I couldn’t tell HIM about my deepest darkest secrets, who could I tell?
I think that we have an incredibly honest and open communication style. Even if I’m not proud of something I did or said, I won’t lie to Mr. Socks about it, and the same goes for him. We talk through EVERYTHING and make sure that our feelings aren’t miscommunicated, and if there’s ever a time where we’re tempted to lie to one another, we know that going to the other person with the truth won’t put our relationship in jeopardy. We talk it out and get over it.
This is something that we have both been very clear with each other—in addition to other qualities, honesty is at the top of the list of importance in our relationship. We are fortunate to be two very open and honest people to begin with, and we trust each other implicitly. Like others have said, we share everything with each other, and feel it is best to be discussing something even if it is difficult, rather than hold it inside, and let it potentially get worse.
Mr. Bunny and I share a specific trait that plays into this question. Our first reaction to any situation is a very strong emotional one. We sometimes (me especially) have the tendency to hold back information that we know will make the other person upset or angry. Fortunately, we’re also aware of this and it raises a big red flag in my mind if I ever get the urge to keep something from Mr. B. About 90 percent of the time, I take a deep breath and go for it even if I know it’s not going to be pretty! The other 10 percent it takes a little more courage, like maybe a few days worth…
Once we come clean with each other, however, it only takes a little while for one or both of us to calm down and start thinking more rationally, and from there it’s only a short step to making up again. I fully believe honesty is key to a healthy relationship, so it’s something I work on every day. When I get the urge to be dishonest, I try to remind myself that since we’re fully committed to each other, I don’t have to be afraid. No matter what, we’re sticking together!
Having both been in previous relationships where lying was an issue, it was clear from day one that it just simply would not exist in our relationship. It is so much easier to live the truth than stress out about keeping up a lie. Does that mean we are completely transparent? No, not exactly. Keeping my trap shut often times is the best medicine. Do I really need to give my opinion for everything, even if I think mine is better? No.
Taking the time to think before you speak is our best communication tool. It saves a lot of unnecessary words, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. Also, best not to bring up touchy subjects while drinking. 😉
I never lie to my husband. I figure that if there’s something I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him about, I shouldn’t be doing it. Period. (And of course the same applies for him.) When it comes to the important things, we communicate very openly. There are definitely details about my life that I don’t share with him, but usually that’s because they’re boring! 😉 In our marriage, we work on communication by committing to sit down and have a real conversation with each other every day, even if it’s only for a few minutes, even if we’re tired and busy.
Ugh, I am the worst at lying! I cannot lie to the Dude. I have kept things from him before, like the one time I threw away his pack of Dukes of Hazard playing cards, and I just couldn’t stand it! I had to confess eventually. However, I didn’t tell him about that guy I had a crush on in law school…That one’s staying in the vault. 🙂 Unless he for some reason reads this, in which case…oh well.
We both feel pretty strongly about not lying to each other. I tell him everything that’s important, and I expect the same from him. Luckily jealousy has never been an issue for us because I think preventing jealousy is a big reason a lot of couples lie to each other.
I am a horrible liar – I end up smiling and looking guilty. But regardless, Mr. Stiletto and I tell each other pretty much everything. Even stupid things like splurging on a calorie-packed treat. One time on a trip with a girl friend I had McD’s breakfast and went as far to put it on my credit card so that he wouldn’t see the charge come up on our joint account…and after the trip, of course I told him about it!*
Part of being a couple for us, I think, is just sharing in everything, and sometimes it feels like things don’t happen—good or bad—if I can’t share them with him. So even if it’s bad, I would rather share with him and have him be a part of it than keep a secret from my best friend.
*Note: Mr. S does not restrict my eating in any way. We are just boring healthy eaters who try and keep each other in check! 🙂
Mr. Seashell is the worst liar on the planet! It’s hilarious—he gets all weird and usually starts laughing. I, on the other hand, can lie pretty well. I say this in the “good surprise” kind of way.
There are times that I do struggle, though. Not just with Mr. Seashell but with everyone in my life—I definitely avoid or put off telling someone something they don’t want to hear. It’s a bad habit, and when I do it to Mr. Seashell he gets really frustrated.
Going through everyone’s responses I was actually kind of surprised to hear that no one ever lies to their spouse! I lie about a few specific things, pretty consistently. First, when I go shopping, I have this compulsive need to lie that I got things on sale a lot. I’m just not a sale shopper, and I feel guilty when I pay full price for something, but I do it all the time anyway. So I’ll come home with, say, a $30 shirt and say I got it (on sale!) for $15. (No, we don’t have joint bank accounts and yes, I spend my own money.) I don’t know why. It’s as if the purchase is juicier if I pretend-paid less for it. This doesn’t go just for Mr. Penguin though—I lie to everyone about what I pay for things. I just feel like so many people are such great bargain shoppers and I don’t always have the patience for it, and people judge you if you pay full price for things.
I also lie about eating. (Obviously, I’m overweight.) But typically when I have to drive somewhere far, I almost ALWAYS get Taco Bell, and feel really bad about it. I usually dispose of the “evidence” before I get home and if Mr. Peng asks if I’m hungry or want to go out to dinner, I’ll just say that I’m not hungry, and if he asks when I ate last, I usually lie and say that I ate XXX (anything but Taco Bell while I was driving). Mr Peng rarely eats fast food and I just don’t feel like having the joshing conversation that goes along with having eaten fast food. Too lazy to deal with it. I wonder if I were a “normal” weight, would I lie about eating fast food? I’d probably lie less about it, at the least!
What about you? Do you ever lie to your spouse?