Well, hive. This is it. It’s the day that I was supposed to become a Mrs. The day I was supposed to wear my fabulous Maggie Sottero Bernadette gown, and walk through a beautiful outdoor garden, say some nice things, exchange some shiny new bling, and celebrate with my husband, family, and friends in a warm and rustic park setting. The day I was planning for over two years. This was supposed to be the best weekend ever. The weather is even perfect for an outdoor wedding (always a freaking gamble in Pennsylvania).
I can say with all certainty that when I broke off my engagement to Monsieur P, I did not expect to feel a whole lot this weekend, or leading up to it. I thought the weekend would come and go like any other, as plans filled in on the days that I had previously left open for wedding festivities. My bridal shower day came and went, the bachelorette party day came and went, and I expected this weekend to be no different.
But ooooooooooh, it is different. You see, friends, Miss Parisian is a damn hot emotional mess. Every post you read where I was wholly keeping it together? It’s all gone out the window and I’ve been increasingly emotional over the past couple weeks, culminating in “utter trainwreck” territory this week.
I am mourning my wedding that isn’t, and will never be. I’ve gotten past the thrill of “new” life, and am missing my old life. I don’t miss Monsieur P in that I want to go back, but I miss parts of our life together. I miss our inside jokes, shared history, and it pains me to no end to lose family (his) and shared friends. See what I mean? Total mess.
I’m sorry that this update is seemingly all sad, but I just want to be honest. It’s not all sunshine and roses, even when you’re usually a positive person who’s in charge of her emotions. I’m feeling a little like there’s a dark cloud over my head right now, and I could break down at any moment. I spent this morning tearing up at my desk when I thought about the alternate story, what I would have been doing today, tonight, tomorrow.
Now, because I’m a silver linings person, I have to say that I’m eternally grateful for the support of friends and family, and of course, all of you. Thank you all for your kind thoughts, comments, and private messages; I really do appreciate each and every one. Thank you to my fellow bloggers and especially honeymoon generation Bees for being a sounding board, support, and real-life friends throughout my wedding planning and subsequent un-planning processes. I’m spending this weekend road-tripping with some new friends, and hopefully I will be able to shoo this cloud away, once and for all.
Any tips on how to let this wedding sadness go? Does anyone else have a delayed reaction to grief?