There are those couples that never fight. Some of them might get into little tiffs here and there, some of them are just utterly zen, but they don’t fight. They don’t yell. They don’t hide out behind closed doors…and they definitely don’t argue in public.
We are not that couple. It’s easy for me to admit that because most of the people who know us in real life have witnessed some sort of argument we’ve had.
Our first fight ever happened a few months into our relationship, and it was about Call of Duty (can I get an amen, video-game widows?!). Since then we’ve argued over little things, like weekend plans, and big things, like religion, politics, raising children, and all the other stuff you aren’t supposed to talk about at the dinner table.
Personal photo / Angry Dragon face/sweaty post-mosh-pit face
What does this have to do with weddings?
To start with, weddings are a topic of argument to begin with. We have had many a spat about wedding stuff—planning, guest lists, location, who is more interested than who, who is going to do what, so on and so forth.
If you’re a particularly volatile couple, it feels like people start to look at you and wonder if you’re really right for each other. They don’t see the deep-down love and respect that is still present in the relationship, they just see two people at each other’s throats. Even if you’re one of the people in the couple, it can still start to seem a bit fishy.
Planning a wedding also, obviously, makes you think about the future. If we fight about this now, are we going to fight about it forever? It can be daunting to contemplate, if you ask me. I fully understand why people go through pre-marital counseling, and I can see that as a huge benefit to having a religious wedding.
We’re not doing that, though, so I find myself wondering if there are other options. We are both stubborn, though I am the one who hates to walk away from a disagreement. We both escalate things, over and over, until we are really, really unhappy. It’s something I’d really like to sort out pre-wedding so that we can have stronger ground to stand on and better strategies in our relationship to get us through the stresses of married life. I know that we are good for each other and we are capable and willing to get along on the big stuff, but it’s the “who does the laundry/why are you doing that like that/someone PLEASE feed the cats” kind of conflicts that wear us down.
It’s something for me to ruminate on, I guess, for now, and to be conscious of when I start reacting to a situation. I am going to try very hard to be the kind of person who counts to 10 and makes a rational decision rather than giving in to my immediate emotional reaction. I know wedding planning adds additional stress.
How do you deal with conflict in your relationship? Do you fight, talk it out, ignore each other, or do something else entirely?
And, did you do any pre-marital counseling, religious or otherwise? Was it a good thing?