Two Wheels Become One: What the Cops Told my Dad

After my maid of honor’s Titanic-laden speech, she handed the mic over to Mr. Unicycle’s brother/best man. His speech was a little more ad-libbed, so it was kind of difficult to transcribe. You can watch it in our video (the speeches start at 17:15), but the sound is a little wonky during his toast. I’m not sure his mic was on. Anyway, Mr. Unicycle and his brother are so cute, and I really hope that if I ever bring demon Unicycle spawn into the world, they turn out like those two. Although, as you’ll read in his speech, they weren’t always so chummy:


Photos by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

“Well, I was a little worried for this speech—you know, you got all these people here. What am I gonna say, what am I gonna do? So I decided to sleep on it—[Mr. Unicycle fixes his mic]—he’s still looking out for me! I decided to sleep on it, so I went to look into the mirror while washing up, and I said “I got nothing to worry about; I still got my hair.” I’m not sure if it was medical school doing that [gestures at Mr. Unicycle’s hair] or if it was Kari here, but…yeah.”


Photos by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

“So Chris, it’s a big day, so I thought I’d start off with when we were young. When I was younger, me and Chris, we liked to fight each other quite a bit. I gave him stitches, he gave me plenty of black eyes…we fought a lot. And as we grew up, we found things in common. We found video games we play together, and most recently, at his bachelor party, we went paint balling together. As we were paint balling (this will come together, don’t worry), as we were paint balling, here we are sitting in a fort, looking over the enemy, he’s watching my back, I’m watching his back, and what I realized was the important thing was just that—we were watching each others’ backs. And here I am watching my brother’s back, and I hope I can always do that. And there’s nobody that I would be more proud of to be watching mine, too.”

“So as I go through life, I will use you guys as an example, as I always have with my brother here, and I really hope you guys have the best marriage, and I want you to have the best honeymoon you can and enjoy yourselves.”


Screenshot from our video

[Awkward reaction shot. We were like “Um. Wut.”]

“Kari here, you’re not off the hook yet. I can remember when I was a wee freshman going into Marquette, and these two were already a little older, a little more aged, and they kinda showed me the ropes. Aged–sorry. And so really, they showed me the ropes and I saw how much Kari cared for Christopher here. They made me some good meals, and I saw that Kari really cared for Chris and, it’s really important to me that my brother’s got the best girl in the world for him, and she is right here.”

speech-03Screenshot from our video

[I like when people point out that I’m the best girl in the world.]

“She even hooked me up with an awesome chair, by the way. [I gave him a crappy old armchair that actually used to be my maid of honor’s, and it’s the best thing in his life right now.] And so, it’s the same thing. Kari here has my brother’s back just like I do, and I know that they are perfect for each other. So, congratulations guys, I’m really happy for you.”

The toast doesn’t look as good written down, but it was so sweet and heartfelt, and if it weren’t for the awkward line about enjoying our honeymoon, I may have shed a tear.

Up next was my dad:

“I’d like to welcome everybody here tonight to celebrate the wedding of my daughter Kari with my new son-in-law Chris. Welcome to the family, Chris.”


Photos by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

“I was gonna mention, although Lauren stole my thunder already, Kari and several of the bridesmaids, her mother, her grandmothers—both of them—and several of her aunts—yes Donna, you were there too—helped with all the decorations here, including the flowers that we’re all wearing, the invitations you received in the mail, so I think they deserve a good round of applause for all the hard work they did. [My mother-in-law also helped a ton.] And then I think the father of the bride deserves a round of applause for tolerating a mess in his house the last six months, right Kar? [I actually covered that in this post.]”

speech-04 Screenshot from our video

[I gave a hearty round of applause]

“Kari knows that I’m not much into making flowers, but she did delegate one task to me, and that is, she asked me to put together a slideshow with photos of Kari as she was growing up, and Chris’s mother was nice enough to send some photos of young Chris growing up, and then I have some photos that Kari put together from their time together at Marquette. So, we’ll show that in a few minutes, but first I want to say a few words about the happy couple.”


Photos by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

“As I was assembling these photos for the slideshow, I started getting a little emotional, thinking boy, time really flies. I can think back to when we brought Kari home from the hospital, and it seems like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor with a bottle in her hand, throwing up everywhere. Every time she would take a step she would fall down. It seemed like just yesterday, but as we all know, that was last month at her bachelorette party.”


Photos by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

“Thank you, I’ll be back here next week by the way, so be sure to tip your waitstaff and bartender. But seriously though, I couldn’t have picked a better husband for her than she picked in Chris. I liked Chris from day one. I mean, what’s not to like about him? He’s an Eagle Scout, an honor student, doctor-to-be, comes from a great family with really nice parents. But being the secret service-type guy that I am, I felt that I would be a little remiss in my duties as a parent if I didn’t do a little background investigation. Look at Chris, sweatin’ like a whore in church! That’s alright Chris, we won’t talk about that one. That’ll be our little secret.”


Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

“So anyway, Chris grew up in [hometown], so I called my buddy, who is a police officer in [other town].[Other town] is right next to [hometown], so I figured he’d know a lot of the people at the [hometown] police department. By the way, for those of you who don’t know [name], he’s the guy at table 5 over there with the Bud Light stuck to his lips. So anyway, [name] said “sure I can do a little investigation, see what I can dig up on the kid.” So he called the chief and the chief reported back ‘Oh yeah, that [Mr. Unicycle] kid. You know, every time he’s spent the night at our facility he was very polite and well-behaved.'”


Photo by Jennifer Shaffer Photography

“So, Chris, welcome to the family. That’s good enough for me. So anyway, Chris, I just have six words of advice to you as you begin your life with Kari. Those words are “I apologize, and you were right, dear.” Remember those words and you’ll always be fine. So if everybody would raise their glass and join me in a toast to the happy couple. To Chris and Kari, may you live a long and happy life together, and may the love you’re feeling tonight remain in your hearts forever.”

Up next, we watch the photo slideshow!


Mrs. Unicycle

Chicago, IL
Wedding Date:
June 2012
My “Somethings,” My Own
Gallery of the Day
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  1. Member
    4evaurs 71 posts, Worker bee @ 1:39 am

    Lol great sense of humor from your dad!

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