As our big day approaches, I have found myself just getting really frustrated. On my way to work one morning, I was venting to myself (this happens a lot”¦please don’t judge me). I thought, there needs to be a wedding dictionary. Something that will help define some aspects of the wedding.
- Investment [in-vest-muh nt] (n) : A term used by vendors to have the unsuspecting couple step on the proverbial rug, fall in love with their service before violently pulling the rug.
- Time [tahym] (n): A non-existent concept that people keep telling the bride they have more of.
- Meltdown [melt-doun] (n): a very real burst of emotions that are logical, well thought out and rooted in reality.
- Craft [krahft] (n): A set of activities that start out as a way to save money until the bride goes to the Martha Stewart aisle in the local craft store and then the budget is blown
- Crafty [krahft-tee] (adj): A passive aggressive way of telling someone their DIY went horribly wrong but they put forth a “good effort“
- Cocktail hour [kok-teyl ouuh-r] (n): A part of the wedding that costs a lot of money that the bride and groom will never get to enjoy
- Bridesmaid [brahydz-meyd] (n): An indentured slave that is loaned out to the bride to do whatever is needed, wear outrageously expensive clothes for one night and run irrelevant errands
- Groomsmen [groomz-muh n] (n): A subset of the population that intentionally distracts the groom from assisting the bride in any way
- Bride [brahyd] (n): a seemingly rational human being that when pushed will have a complete meltdown (refer to meltdown, above)
- Diet [dahy-it] (n): A concept coined by optimistic people to redefine a “healthy lifestyle”. Also see: joke
- Budget [buhj-it] (n): An imaginary constraint viewed by some as a way to analytically approach the spending of money. A concept most vendors don’t seem to grasp
- Pre-marital counseling [pree-mar-i-tl koun-suh-ling] (v): A set of meetings where the bride and groom dress conservatively while blindly assessing how revealing they should be. Afterall, this person sitting on the other side of the desk will
judgemarry them in a few months
- Registry [rej–uh-stree] (n): A politically correct list of expensive items one would never think of buying with their hard earned dollars; instead they expect others to do so
- Guest List [gest list] (n): A roster of people that any in-laws will use to invite people whom the bride or groom have never met. This roster will inevitably cause an argument
- Pre-nup [pree-nuhp] (n): A list drafted by the bride and groom to levelset with one another on just how important society deems them to be. Just in case you didn’t have the “money talk,” this is a good time. Also known as a cover-your-ass document
- Vow [vou] (n): A heartfelt exchange of words filled with promises that you will refer to in an argument (i.e. “Remember that you VOWED to always make me laugh”¦I see nothing funny in this situation)
- Wedding Night [wed-ing nahyt] (n): A time where the couple passes out in their very expensive hotel room in an expensive outfit when they should be consummating their marriage
- Open bar [oh-puh-n bahr] (n) : The aspect of one’s wedding that attracted 90% of their guests to attend in the first place.
This could be shared with the bridal party (including parents) to set the tone of the wedding. Maybe even included in a “be my maid” invite. I had a lot of fun coming up with these definitions and it really made me chuckle thinking about the true pomp and circumstance of a traditional wedding. A big thank you to Theresa, Lauren and Isaac for helping me with the list! This was a very productive use of our time! I have a pretty awesome work team if I must say so myself.
I know I didn’t capture them all. What else am I missing? Don’t forget the definition!! I will be sure update the list and post later.
Scooting off for now,