I Don’t Want My Fiance’s Ex at Our Wedding

Our wedding is in about nine months, and since the early stages of planning, we knew that there was going to be some issues with the guest list. I have a huge family and a few close friends, while my fiancé is completely the opposite. He has a very tiny family and tons of friends. Our guest list has about 240 people on it—much more than my parents can afford to pay for. To add to this issue, my fiancé feels that all of his friends need to bring a date. That would probably put our guest list at 300 people! So what I would like is to have only married or engaged people be allowed to bring their significant others, and maybe those who have been in long-term relationships. But I don’t think it is necessary for every single person to bring a date, especially since his friends are all friends with each other, so it’s not like they won’t know anyone there. I have told him that it’s just not feasible for everyone to bring a date, and that my parents can’t afford it. However, instead of understanding he just pouts and says that he just won’t invite those people at all then, because “they won’t want to drive all the way here alone.” Anyway, that’s just a small part of the problem…

I will admit to you all right now that I am kind of a jealous person when it comes to other girls who have had any type of past relationship with my fiancé (as I think a lot of people are). So this is where my bigger moral dilemma begins—our best man is in a long-term relationship (and they live together) with a girl who my fiancé has a past with. Granted, their relationship was short lived, but it was to the point where he would drive several hours out of state to spend the night with her. And I won’t even get into the fact that he has even more of a past with her sister…ugh. So the problem here is that I REALLY don’t want this girl at our wedding. I feel like just seeing her there will make me think about his past with her (and her sister), and I will feel disgusted and upset every time I am reminded of it, and I don’t want to have to feel that way on my wedding day!

I don’t want our best man to be upset or offended by this, and I know it makes my fiancé feel bad to tell his best friend that he can’t bring a date, but it is just something I can’t seem to get past. Am I wrong if I only invite the best man and not his girlfriend? What should I do?


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Classifieds: December 4, 2013
In Which We Do a Whole Lot More Than Taste

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  1. Guest Icon Guest
    PhiladelphiaBride, Guest @ 8:11 pm

    Listen up honey! This is YOUR day and your future husband’s (of course). Not anyone else’s. They are not paying for your wedding. You need to do whatever makes you happy. If you DO NOT feel comfortable with her being there DO NOT invite her. I don’t think you need to “suck it up”. I was in a similar situation and when my fiancé asked if he could invite his ex to OUR wedding I simply replied “If you invite her, I will not be at the wedding.” He never mentioned it again.

  2. Member
    Footballwife 568 posts, Busy bee @ 10:07 am

    This is tough, you will probably have to invite her….that being said: You’re feelings are completely validated. Wedding party and their guests are involved in the more intimate moments of a wedding, the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and sometimes evening planning. If it were me I would not want her anywhere near my wedding party, rehearsal, head table etc. I want to keep my intimate moments intimate and to me it would feel less than so, due to the fact that a person who has a past with my fiance would be there. So while I know exactly how you feel and it stinks you will more than likely have to invite her.

    Jealousy stinks, but who has him now? Also, she may be even more uncomfortable than you. You and he are having a big fuss made over your day and she gets to sit there and see someone else getting married before her.

  3. Member
    js1103 39 posts, Newbee @ 11:26 am

    I can probably relate to you, because I tend to get very jealous but at the same time your FI is marrying you not her, she’s just there with your FI best man. If everyone with your side of the family and friends will be there it only be fair for him too. Or also you can ask him to put himself in your shoes and see but see the big picture, he’s marrying you not her! This is yours and your FH day! Good luck and hope you will have a wonderful dream wedding!!!!

  4. Guest Icon Guest
    BBQ, Guest @ 12:09 pm

    That seems quite disrespectful: “you’re important enough for me to want you to Stand Up and support my life, however because you’re with my sloppy seconds I am judging your life choices to be not worth supporting.”

    The wedding isn’t about you. It’s about your guests celebrating WITH you and your new husband… So since this girl has done nothing wrong and against your relationship, and she is an important part of the BM’s life… It seems hypocritical to want the support of someone you would be unwilling to do the same for, or judge his relationship unworthy when you expect him to do the opposite for you.

    How would you feel if the two of them got married, your FI was in the party, and you were specifically excluded?

  5. Member
    itzjustme 179 posts, Blushing bee @ 1:21 pm

    I’ll commend all the maturity & kindness on this board of folks who tell you to move beyond the past and focus on your day. I don’t feel the same. My FI and I have a rule. Nobody that either of us have slept with comes to the wedding. The past is the past…and that where it should stay, not in our future. If the BM is really your FI true friend he gets how weird this is, and this shouldn’t be an issue. I am a fair & empathetic person, but “only people who pay get a say”. YOU invite who YOU want to share your special day. Which IMHO wouldn’t include exes. Your wedding is not a circus or group therapy ( unmarried people can be w/o their SO’s for one event). It’s not a locker room where the girls my hubby & his friends have screwed get to come all because their a social unit now. Heck No! Weddings are vows where you are surrounded by people who know you, love you and are wishing the very best for your new union. Tell your man if his ex gets to come to the wedding, then your ex gets to join the honeymoon LOL ( just kidding…don’t do that. Hope I made you smile…)

  6. Guest Icon Guest
    FirstPost, Guest @ 4:34 am

    I just had to post something, When my bf and I started dating I had a hard time with accepting his past Specifically a “friend” whom I know he had feelings for at some point and she has feelings still for him. One day I stumbled across am article that basically said don’t worry about you’re ex’s past or first be happy you’re his last. I’m not sure why that stuck with me but it has and I cannot wait till we start our life together.

    Getting to be his only wife will be so much better than just a hook up that most likely didn’t mean much to him. You’re the one he is choosing and you will get to be his last and only 🙂 And he’s the only one you will be focused on, on your wedding day!

  7. hyena Bee
    hyena 2537 posts, Sugar bee @ 6:49 am

    I don’t have any advice to add, but I felt the same way about the “never invite exes to the wedding” thing. Mr. Hyena’s ex was my best friend in high school, and up until the engagement we were still on pretty good terms, but she kept dropping hints about expecting to be invited, which made me uncomfortable. We haven’t really talked since she didn’t make the invite list.

    But really, there will be so many people that you love and care about at the wedding that you won’t have a spare second to think about her, her brief past with FI or any of that other stuff. Just thank her for coming and move onto the next guest.

  8. Guest Icon Guest
    missThing, Guest @ 4:41 pm

    Be ruthless, ONLY 60 people per side, MAX.( That way,when 90 show up, you’ll be prepared after planning for 120 people initially.

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