AND I FINALLY GET IT!
Driving down the road today, I was unexpectedly choked up. Why? Because I had an armful of fantabulous peonies sitting in a bucket of water right next to me that made me smile, and suddenly, I got it.
I get it! A, ha!
Some things you do because you must ”“ parking, tent rentals, chairs and tables. Other things you do because they’ll mean something later ”“ ceremony readings, honoring family and friends, nods to your past. But the very very best things? You do those because they make the people you love the most laugh, or dance, or hug with joy.
My shoes make me smile. The peonies (that I bought at the Fresh Market from the nicest woman ever) are just happy fluffy wedding-y flowers. My family spent all sorts of money to get here, but they’re here, and my brother and sister are practicing the songs they’ll be singing at our wedding (my freaking wedding!) while lounging in my freshly painted bedroom.
Life is good.
I gotta tell you, this blogging thing isn’t always rainbows and butterflies (what is, right?) and sometimes I wonder why I spend the time on it”¦ and then I take a deep breath and decide to publish a post like the “Doubting” post and I am so happily reminded that I am quite literally bouncing in my seat: I blog because everything’s a little better when you know you’re not alone.
I don’t know if this happens to everybody, but I very often get caught up in my thoughts, spiraling and obsessing on something until I can no longer view anything clearly. And I have found that airing those thoughts brings us all a bit of relief.
I feel better, because your responses validate the normal-ness of my feelings, give me additional things to think about, or at the very least remind me that there are a whole lot of really wonderful women out there. I like to think that at least some of you feel better to know that someone else is feeling the same way, and you confirm that with your comments. And while this is a really big reaching-for-the-stars goal, I hope that we all, this collective community of hopeful women (because you’re not getting married if you’re not hopeful) have a little bit more honesty and lot more openness.
The other week when I was doubting everything, I was reminded of a post by Mrs. Avocado about the day before her wedding when things didn’t go as she expected. She took a moment to really consider what it was that made her believe that she and Mr. Avocado would have a good marriage. I adore Mrs. Avocado for her frankness and sense of self, and in the middle of my OhMyGawdWhatAmIDoing moment, remembering that she had that moment made me feel less alone.
It’s taken a village to get me to this place, a happy (mostly) calm settled place where I can joyfully profess my love to a man and join with him in being a family. And YOU’VE all been a big part of that. Not once, not one single time, have I regretted sharing something with you all, and I adore you. Isn’t it freaking fantastic, this crazy internet thing that allows us to learn from each other and care about each other across more miles than I can fathom?
So this weekend, as I gather my thoughts and memories in preparation for this fantastic new thing, you’ll be with me. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for being with me through the ups and downs of getting here. I love you all.
I am learning to live close to the lives of my friends without ever seeing them. No miles of any measurement can separate your soul from mine.