After my shower, a few of the other hot, young thangs in attendance and I headed up to Milwaukee for my bachelorette party. We chose Milwaukee because a lot of my friends live up there and because I (and my MOH, who planned the party) are actually more familiar with the city than we are with Chicago. Plus, it would be cheaper (and as you’ll find out in a few paragraphs, it was much cheaper).
We started out the party by loudly and irreverently singing along to Lady Gaga et al. while driving up I-94 (remember, my mom called me a musical virtuoso). I offered to drive one of the cars since I make the trip all the time. Before we knew it, we were in view of Milwaukee’s skyline (or what would be the skyline if it had one to speak of). Our first stop was to check into the hotel (the Intercontinental, which is also where Mrs. Mole stayed for her Milwaukee reception!) for some pink champagne drinkin’, gift opening and hair teasing—did I mention the bachelorette party was pin-up themed??
Image via Fashionising
I wanted to do my hair like this, but I lost motivation (I blame the pink champagne).
One of my friends got me edible undies, and we had to take a photo—I once changed the wiki page for edible undies to include a line about deli salami, and it stayed up for a surprising amount of time, so naturally, I was gifted with a pair of (sadly not salami-flavored) edible undies. Or, if you’re gross, panties.
I got a lot of other scandalous gifts too, including this little guy, needle-felted lovingly by my work wifey. That’s right, a coworker spent hours of her life crafting a peen for me.
It’s sickeningly realistic. She made it into an ornament so the Unicycles’ first Christmas tree won’t be bare.
This is the peen crafter. I made her go butt-to-butt with me.
Mr. Unicycle’s med school friends (and my friends, too!) got me this appropriate game and a riding crop.
The glasses were from my SIL, but those couldn’t go unphotographed.
After the gift opening and primping, we headed to dinner. Some of my Milwaukee friends had thrown out restaurant suggestions, and I fully embraced Balzac since it would be perfect for a bachelorette party (Note: I decided that based solely on its name.). Luckily, it was actually amazing and delicious. The restaurant serves small plates, and we had a pretty large group, so we basically just ordered one of everything. I’ve always wanted to go into a restaurant and say “we’ll take the lot!” Ã la Harry Potter, so I’m glad I got to experience that.
This is the only other Balzac picture I have, when my bridesmaid and I Lady and the Tramped a chicken wing. It got pretty wild.
I was presented with a to do list at the end of dinner. You had to scratch off each task, one by one, as you completed them.
Unfortunately, I scratched the first one off a little too zealously and no one could read what it said. I’m fairly certain it had something to do with either a bare butt or a belly button, so I’m actually glad I didn’t have to do whatever it was.
The second task was to announce to the world “I’m so horny I could have sex right now!” I found this to be the most ridiculous sentence of all time. That’s like saying “I’m so hungry I could eat right now” or “I have to pee so bad that I could pee right now.” So, I practiced different inflections and iterations of the phrase while we waited for the check, in the car on the way to the first bar and as we were walking up to the first bar. My favorite style was the Christopher Walken voice, but unfortunately I can’t type it for you. Just picture him saying that. It’s funny.
As we walked up to the first bar (a cool, loungey place called Kenadee’s), I decided it was time to complete the task. So I said to the bouncer, “Excuse me, I have to tell you something. I’m so horny—.”
“I know, I know. I heard you already.” And he shooed me inside.
One of the girls in our party has serious Milwaukee connections, and we were able to get bottle service…for free. I felt so fancy!
So did they.
They were playing 90s music and there was a cool green wall, so naturally we had a dance party/photoshoot.
I learned a lot about myself/the world that night. Namely, that I actually do the duck face. I’m ashamed.
I just…don’t even know.
I love the juxtaposition here. My cousin looks like an Abercrombie model and I look like someone pretending to be drunk. Also note: the second butt-to-butt of the evening.
One of the tasks on the to do list was to pee in the men’s room. I waited until I actually had to go, and then…I did! A couple guys were a little freaked out and fled when they saw me and a bridesmaid in the men’s room. One guy opened the door, looked at us, looked back at the door, repeat, before determining he was in the right place. The bathroom attendant loved it:
For the record, I used a stall, NOT the urinal.
The final task was to buy “the cutest guy” a drink. Since we had bottle service, I decided there would be no drink buying, but rather, drink sharing. And instead of finding “the cutest guy” I just grabbed a random guy who seemed to be alone at the club and who had been creeping closer and closer to us all night.
His name was Abraham and he was Persian and/or a virgin. It was loud in there.
The next morning, we all went to brunch and Mr. Unicycle joined us! I was so glad I got to see him while we were in Milwaukee because I had been missing him a lot. All in all, it was probably the best weekend of my LIFE. In the Facebook invite for the party, my MOH (who planned everything) said this: “Let’s make this so fun that the rest of her life with Mr. Unicycle will seem WEAK in comparison. I basically want her to be crying every single night with the memory of how fun this night was.”
Was your bachelorette party a success? Did you do cheesy bachelorette tasks and have peen paraphernalia too?