Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Do you and your SO come from different backgrounds (cultural/racial/spiritual)? If so, how has integrating your (culture/race/religion) with his/hers been? Were there any hurdles or obstacles you’ve to overcome? Any compromises you’ve had to make? How will this affect your future (in regards to rearing children, presenting yourselves to your families, etc.)?

I come from an immigrant family and was raised Jewish. Mr. Spaniel’s family has been in the U.S. for centuries, and their background is Catholic. I’d thought that since we were both born and grew up in Southern California and were atheist (me) and agnostic (him), any conflicts that we had in our lives/philosophies/ideas about children would not be cultural or religious. HA! I AM STUPID! The biggest fight we’ve ever had in nearly six years together was about whether a potential son of ours would have a bris or not (not to mention all of the theoretical conversations about “what if our kids want to be garbage men/musicians/lawyers/doctors/professors?” that start off joking and sometimes end in hurt feelings).

We’ve both had to learn to really, deeply examine our (sometimes starkly different) values and put them on the table and leave them open for discussion. I’ve learned that I can’t take the values I was raised with for granted when it comes to how we’ll raise our own children. These are not really easy discussions to have, and we know we’ll have to keep revisiting them over our relationship. While I can’t say it wouldn’t be easier if we came from the same backgrounds (and had the same unspoken values), I also think that this openness has helped us to be a better couple, and to be more unified when either of our families question our decisions.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Has the down economy affected you/your SO and your relationship? How so? How are you weathering the storm?

The economy has been a pretty huge deal to us lately. Because of the economy, thousands of teachers across Texas lost their jobs and it was next to impossible for me to find a job right after we got married. I did manage to find something, but it’s a 45 minute drive from our house, and is an incredibly draining job—it definitely affects our relationship because I’m so tired/grumpy when I get home from work…it feels like we don’t get any “couple time” during the week at all!

Mr. Cardigan has also struggled to find something to do part time until he really gets started in real estate (he’s a real estate agent, but since we just moved to Austin, he doesn’t have many clients yet!). The job market is horrible right now, and that’s put quite a few stresses on our relationship—but we’re in constant communication about how we’re feeling and what we’re stressing about, so we’re always on the same page!
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Current/future moms, or anyone that thinks they’ll have a child in the future: What is something you wish you did before you had your baby, or something you plan to do before you have a baby? What is something you did before baby that you’re so thankful you did?

I’ll be finishing my doctorate before we consider having kids. I think that’s very important for me because I want to devote more of myself and my time to our family—not so much to school, as it is now. I’m thankful to be almost done with that, so that Mr. MJ and I can give this giant step more serious thought. In general, I am thankful that we have both gotten started in our careers, become settled in a nice home, paid off debts, and started saving for the future. Bringing kids in to a stable environment really eases many worries I’d have otherwise had.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How do you balance your relationship, job, family while making time to do things you love? Any tips for overstressed hive members?

The quest for me time—important to an only child like me!—is an interesting struggle. It’s a melding of personal time and dorky self-amusement that only children are pretty good at. My husband and I work together, we run a website together on the side, and we socialize a fair bit together in a combination of networking and plain-ol’ social drinkups and dinners. And we’re part of the same two families now, lest we forget, and we have to share a bed, a household, and a budget.

Here’s how I do it alone (ha), at least:

I let myself get lost in my job for several points on any given day. For example, I write and edit for a living, so I like to find the funniest self-amusing thing I wrote or edited that day. It being self-LOL, I don’t expect anyone else to find it funny, and I don’t really share these things with anyone. It’s prime Me Time, in my head. Just get into the zone doing whatever you do, and you’ll find yourself having a lot of fun, on your very own, along the way.

I send personal emails. I’m not really an all-day IM sort of girl, so taking a minute to send a message and then spending a minute to read a fun response hours later can really make my day. Those moments are just for me and the friend I’m emailing. And it always feels special somehow.

Drink alone (not like that). Sitting alone at home or in another room with the dog and a glass of wine—or whatever you want to drink, even if it’s water—is amazing soul tonic. I love to chat/gossip/commisserate/bicker with him, but I don’t feel the need to spend all evening jabbering when we’re at home together.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage, or keep things fun?

Seriously? Sex. I went off hormonal birth control and my sex drive came back!

Also, we have date night once a month where we get dressed up and pretend like we are still trying to impress each other and have dinner and drinks.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How do you balance your career with your SO’s career? If one of you has been offered a position that required significant sacrifice on behalf of the other partner in the relationship, how have you handled it, emotionally/physically?

When I graduated college, I knew Mr. Hyena was going to be continuing his education, and our options were: a) I get a job wherever and we continue our long-distance relationship, or b) I move to College Station to be with him. We’d already been long-distance for four years, and I felt like  if we can’t live in the same city now, then WHEN? So I moved, and I’ll be totally honest—there aren’t many opportunities for my career here, and I can’t wait to move. Mr. Hyena is hoping to get his Ph.D and be done with school forever within the next three years, and then we intend to move to a bigger city. We’re not sure what the game plan will be — whoever gets a job first, that’s where we’ll go? We go where I get a job because it’s my turn to have a career? Whoever gets a better job? — but we both know we’ll have to re-evaluate our situation when the time comes.

Yes, I made the big sacrifice to move to a place where I knew I wouldn’t find my dream job. I don’t know for sure that I won’t have to make another sacrifice when we eventually move. Was it worth it? Will it be worth it in the long run? I’d like to say yes, but I have to figure out how to deal with it all over again, since I was recently laid off from my job. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m optimistic.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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What do you call your mother in law? Is it the same thing you called her before you were married, or did you make a switch?

Before we were married I avoided calling my MIL anything because I wasn’t sure what to call her. I would just stare in her general direction and hope that she would look up so that we could talk. Mature, I know. But, now that we are married (and even before we were married if my stare trick didn’t work) I call her by her first name. It’s how she introduced herself to me, and avoiding calling her anything (especially when I need to call her on the phone) just doesn’t work.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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If you lived together before you were married: was anything different once you were married? In hindsight, do you wish you had waited to move in together until after you were married?

If you didn’t live together before you got married: looking back do you wish you did it differently? Are you surprised by anything about your spouse that you didn’t know about until you moved in together post-wedding?

Thank you to hive member Shea_Butter for the question!

I moved into Mr. Swan’s apartment 2 years after we started dating (we were long distance the first six months), 8 months before Mr. Swan proposed and we were engaged for a year. I wouldn’t have done it differently. I was very adamant about NOT moving in together for a variety of reasons from financial to emotional, etc. I actually made Mr. Swan swear that if we broke up that he would help me fund a new apartment. NYC is expensive and with moving costs usually equal to three months of rent, that’s a major outlay of money to move. Before we moved in together, I let Mr. Swan know that if we weren’t discussing getting married (not necessarily engaged) within a year that I would be moving out. I meant it. I didn’t consider it an ultimatum, but I wanted to make sure that we were both on the same page as to what moving in together meant for our relationship. I wasn’t in a rush to be married, but I wasn’t interested in living with anyone long term without them being related to me by blood or marriage at that point in my life. I have no idea in retrospect if the timing of things was a function of age, as I was 30 and Mr. Swan was 32 at the time and had both lived alone for years. I think the timing worked out just right for us.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Married bee homeowners: do you have any tips in regards to the home buying process as a couple? What were some of the unexpected things you experienced buying a home together? Now that you’re a homeowner, what are the big plusses and minuses about owning your own home?

Thank you to hive member Lincole for the question!

Check. Your. Credit!! We started the process in January, and found out that due to some poor credit choices on Mr. SD’s account, we were completely ineligible for a mortgage until we got it up. There were a fair few tears shed over this incident. But, it’s all water under the bridge, and we all have to learn from our mistakes. After uncovering the problems behind the low score, we worked with a credit repair company to do some damage control. We’re on target to buy his grandmother’s home next month, which we’ve been renting since last August. It’s definitely been a journey, and one that’s helped us grow a lot as a couple. To have a big problem looming over you, then to come together to work to solve it is one of the major components of a marriage. I love how well we’ve been able to work together to pay off his credit card/small loan debt, and prepare to take on the biggest loan of our lives. It’s scary, and exciting all at the same time. So my advice would be to talk to a lending company about six months or so before you intend to start looking, so you’ll be aware of any impending problems that may hold up the process. It’s always good to start off house-hunting as informed as you can possibly be!
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

**we’re still experiencing residual missing images, so I’ve posted the author’s name in front of their comment, just in case their icons aren’t appearing!

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If only one of you works (SAHM/SAHD, unemployment, school—any reason) how does it affect your relationship’s dynamic? How do you think it affect outsider’s views of your relationship’s dynamic? What are the benefits/disadvantages to having one breadwinner in your household?

Mrs. Hermit Crab - For the duration of our relationship, only one of us has ever been working full time. While Mr. HC was in medical school, I was working, and now that he is a resident, I am in a graduate program. Initially, I was very concerned about this role reversal, since I had been the one bringing money in, and I am generally the one who manages finances. Would I be able to get a manicure guilt-free? Questions like this had me very nervous about the switcheroo. As it happens, Mr. HC and I are very open when it comes to conversations about money, and we are understanding of the other’s situation. Aside from that it would be nice to have two incomes to offset the cost of living in NYC, it has worked out fine for us so far. It is practice for a potential situation if I decide to be a stay at home mom one day when that is relevant for us.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Honeymoon aside, have you gone on any great vacations or getaways with your spouse since you got married? Where did you go? Any tips for getaways on a budget?

We’ve been to Richmond, VA, Bali (our very belated honeymoon), Phoenix and the Grand Canyon, New Orleans and Turkey since getting married. Travel is something that’s really important to me (my post WB blog is a travel related one), and Mr. Swan and I decided that it would be something we prioritize at the beginning of our marriage. We’re in the space where we can go places together (and in some cases separately), so we do make trips when we can. Soon we’re hoping to go to some more places closer to home that we have not been able to visit.

As for trimming the travel budget, I really think it depends on what you want to prioritize. I’m at the point in my life where I like nicer accommodations, but I love eating in places where the locals do and that often reduces how much I spend on meals. We have found that traveling in the “off season” for many destinations can actually be a great way to save money on everything from airfare to accommodations, entrance fees, etc. If you can endure a little extra rain or cooler temperatures, you’ll deal with smaller crowds, have a little more money in your pocket and may have a better experience.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Decision making and compromise: from minor things like how to resolve food habit differences, to big things like buying a car/home together, how does it work in your household?

I bulldoze the crap outta him. Just kidding. I tend to be the one who over researches and analyzes decisions, while his attitude is more “Okay, sounds good.”  When he does express an opinion, I take it more seriously because I know he usually goes along with whatever I’ve decided.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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What’s your money management strategy as a couple? Do you have a budget philosophy and is (or was) it different than your SO’s budget philosophy? How did you get on the same page?

(Thanks to kayakgirl73 for the question!)

It’s a joint effort now.

When we started dating, I was a chronic saver (some might say a cheapskate), and Mr. Dahlia was a chronic spender—not going into debt, but not saving anything either.

When we first combined our finances, I was the one who managed it to make sure our spending remained within our budget and that we saved some money, since I wanted to make sure that we were saving appropriately. I would make sure that the bills got paid, and make sure there weren’t any problems. If there were problems or mistakes, Mr. Dahlia would do the arguing with the cable company/phone company/bank. The problem with this is that I would be stressed out about money, and Mr. D wouldn’t be able to provide helpful advice about what we should be doing, since he was pretty distant from the state of our finances.

Now, we’re equal partners in the money management. As I’ve mentioned before, every Saturday morning we have a family meeting to go over our finances, so that both of us can see how we are coming along with our savings goals, the status of our retirement accounts, etc. This year, both of us have been reading several books about personal finance and investing, because we want to learn more about where and how we should be managing out savings.

We set financial goals on an annual basis (we have 1 year, 3 year, 5 year and 10 year goals), and review them between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and start discussing what our goals for the upcoming year should be. Around New Years Day, we map out our goals and major expenses for the new year and come up with a month by month action plan so that we have a map to get us from where we are to where we want to be.

This includes estimating what our bonuses will be and mapping out what they will be used for and where the money will go, so once that income arrives in our checking account, the plan we outlined months before tells us what we are supposed to do with it. (This keeps us from blowing our bonuses and tax refund on fun but frivolous purchases, and ensures that we actually can afford to go to the various weddings we want to attend this summer.)
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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What did you do with your veil/wedding dress? Do you have any plans for it?

I have passed my hair flower on to two other bees so far! (The netting part detached from the flower.) Mrs. Frozen Yogurt lent it to her sister/MOH to wear during her wedding, and Mrs. Veggie borrowed it for hers! I’m not sure what the fate of my flower is now, but I love the idea of it being passed on to even more brides!

As for my wedding dress, many of you know that Mrs. Stripes wore it for her gorgeous wedding. You may also remember that I got to wear it again for a “trash the dress” session in Vegas (photographed by the fab Ms. Fondue!). I’m so glad that someone else was able to get some use out of it. I also have some secret plans in store for the dress that I hope to share with the hive soon!
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Hive moms: How has life changed for you post-baby? What were your identity/adult/couple struggles?

Parenthood is HUGE, and writing about it is like trying to write a single paragraph on marriage or the meaning of life. So tomorrow I might tell you something different, but here’s what comes to mind today:

Parenthood is so much more difficult than most people realize. It’s more than just a few sleepless nights— a baby drops into your life like a bomb and shakes everything. If you stay home, you will be sometimes bored, and you will question your identity without the reinforcements of career and salary. If you work, you will feel constantly torn between work and home. You will need to figure out how to pay for childcare (over $1,000/month in our town) or how to live without a second income. You will be pooped on and vomited on and screamed at, sometimes for what feels like hours. You often won’t know what you’re doing, and you will be frequently judged by everyone from family to strangers. The smallest errand can take an extra half hour of prep time. You WILL have sleepless nights. Oh, and of course if you’re the mother you will grow a human that will tear its way out of your body like the creature from Alien.
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