Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Have you or your spouse dealt with a significant loss, be it friend, family member, job, or any loss that has significantly impacted your lives? How did you handle the situation as a couple? If your SO was the one that experienced the loss, what did you do to help ease the loss? If you experienced the loss, what did your spouse do?

Unfortunately, I am better able to answer this question now than I ever have been. In September, I lost one of my older brothers unexpectedly. It was a shock to my family, and the most difficult experience of my life. I can honestly say that I don’t know how I would have gotten through this time without Mr. HC by my side. He took off two weeks from work and stayed by me every moment, from flying to halfway across the country for the funeral, to spending the next week at my dad’s apartment running the show for the memorial and shiva here at home. Many people say that he was just doing what he was supposed to, but he did so much more. He gave me space to mourn, and made me feel like everything I was going through was okay, and encouraged me to explore how I was feeling. He would leave parties with me if I was overwhelmed to be out, or just got lost in sadness and couldn’t shake it, and he would squeeze my hand back to let me know he was there. Although we have been partners for many years, he truly showed to me that he could and would be there with me, by my side, for whatever I could need. He was a comfort to my whole family, picking up where no one could find the energy, even picking my little sister up from school or from play dates, and taking her and her friends to the park for a moment’s quiet. Still now, we are learning what our “new normal” is, and he is there to hold my hand when I have a moment, or to answer my call if I need to talk. He has been an incredible example of support, love, and stability through all of this, and we are learning how to move forward together.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Communication, Honesty, and Lying - Do you ever lie to your spouse? How honest does the honesty in your relationship go?

Ha! When I lie, it always looks like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

I learned to be honest with myself—not just to others—thanks largely to Mr. T. I’ve historically kidded myself about how well relationships were going or how happy I was in various situations. He taught me how to own the good *and* the bad. This helped me immensely in being honest with other people, also, especially him. And it’s helped me make good decisions about how to deal properly (honestly) with crappy things when they come up.

That said, given my four years of training, I appreciate truth and honesty even more.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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What’s the biggest way you’ve changed personally now that you’re married? How did this change come about?

Since getting married, I’ve gotten better at budgeting and at keeping up with our household. I used to charge things on my credit card willy-nilly and then feel guilty about it later when I had no idea what my bank balance was. Now I set a monthly budget and stick to it (mostly). As for the household, I recently was introduced to a website (warning—it’s a little cheesy) that helps to break chores down into daily routines that are manageable. I’ve never found anything before that has kept my house so clean! I guess those are pretty shallow changes, but I think that I’ve changed in these ways because marriage has made me less selfish. I really want what’s best for us as a family now, and not just what works for me. I feel like, even more than before, a part of a team.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Do you and your spouse plan “date nights” now that you’re married? What’s the most fun date you’ve been on since getting married?

With our crazy work travel schedules, we’ve made a point that every Friday night is date night, as it is often the only night of the week that we are able to be together in the same city as just the two of us.

We have an ongoing Outlook “appointment” in our respective calendars that starts at 6PM (so if we’re traveling, we try to be back in the city by 6), and typically go out to dinner. About half the time we try a new place, and the other half we go to one of our favorite restaurants. I’m not sure if I have a particular favorite date night, but I love starting out the weekend with a dinner together—I’m typically stressed out from work at the start, but by the end, I’m totally relaxed and ready for the weekend.

On the instances where the Friday night isn’t going to work (like this weekend, where my in laws are in town), we reschedule it an either move it earlier in the week, or push it back to Sunday night.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How do you handle disagreements? Do you and your SO have specific arguing styles? What topic do you seem to argue/disagree on the most? What were some things you and your spouse have done to work out disagreements?

Our disagreements have come a long way in six years, and we are still working on them (as I imagine we always will be, in many ways). We have come to understand that most of our disagreements are rooted in something else, or one person needing to vent, and we are becoming better about not taking everything to heart, and allowing our partner the space they need at times. Our arguments are rare, though they definitely happen, and we try to talk through whatever we can. I have always perscribed to the idea of  never going to sleep angry, while Mr. HC likes to never wake up angry. So, we try to respect this about each other and make it work for us!

I am a person that rarely argues with anyone, and it took me a long time to realize that arguments are a healthy and important part of most relationships—it’s learning how to navigate these waters that is crucial. “Cool down” time has also been really effective, and stops many arguments from escalating to where they might have in the past.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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What are your opinions on divorce? Have your opinions changed now that you are married? Do you and your SO openly talk about the possibility of divorce? Why or why not?

Having been through a variation of the mess myself (getting an annulment from my abusive ex), I was pretty keen on getting things right this time around. Coming from a strong Southern Baptist upbringing in the Bible Belt, divorce isn’t really too accepted. I mean, people I know won’t hold it against you, but it’s certainly not talked about as an option. As far as my mister and I go, we both consider it a very last ditch solution, should one of us have a Grey’s Anatomy moment when some kind of brain damage turns us into an angry hater.

I want to say that both of us would consider counseling in the event of cheating, or feeling unsupported in our marriage. If things continue to decline from there, then we’d have to assess if there’s any future for us. Only if things progress to violence would I ever consider my first option dissolving another marriage. I’m a very open communicator, and make sure that Mr. SD knows exactly why I’m upset about something, and what we can do to make things better. He hasn’t quite gotten the hang of doing that himself yet, so I try to help guide him through the process whenever he feels upset about something. We really focus on finding the “whys” behind the behavior, so we both know how to make our marriage stronger. I think that commitment to each other and our relationship will help us keep growing stronger for years to come.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How do you show your spouse that you appreciate them? What does he/she do for you?

Dude, he married me. He should be grateful.

Kidding. We’ll almost always pick up something sweet for each other if either of us goes to a bakery or something, since we both have mad sweet tooths. But this question made me realize that we should do a better job of appreciating each other, and go above and beyond our normal division of responsibilities. For example, I cook. And while that’s a big thing that he should be ever stinking grateful for, I could do a little something special once in a while to brighten his day.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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What was your relationship with your in-laws like before you got married? What is it like now? What were specific things that lead to an improvement/degradation of your relationship with your in-laws? Do you have any tips for people struggling with relationships with their in-laws?

When we first started dating, I really wanted my in-laws to like me. They were welcoming and nice from the beginning, but they show love differently than my family does. My family constantly shows affection and from the beginning had said multiple times how much they loved Mr. Starfish. Because I was used to an overly affectionate family, and Mr. Starfish’s is different, I wasn’t sure how they felt. As our relationship went on I learned that Mr. S’s family just worked different than mine. They show their love in different ways.

This happened long before marriage, but I think my best advice regarding in-laws is to understand that everyone is different. I’ve been very fortunate to have supportive, caring, loving in-laws who have been a wonderful part of my life. It just took me some time to understand that people show these things in different ways.

I feel that wedding planning only helped our relationship. My MIL and I started emailing a lot during the planning phase and have continued to do so after marriage. I think the engagement period strengthened our relationship.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Leave and Cleave - Some people have trouble “leaving and cleaving”—that is, they have difficulty adjusting to making their NEW family with their spouse as the primary family. What was that transition like for you? And how did your family of origin handle it?

Thank you to Miss Snapdragon for the question!

This is a great question because it is something that we talk about all the time! For the Hermit Crabs, we started this process during our engagement. Once we realized the tensions that an engagement could bring up with various family members, Mr. HC and I agreed that we would always present a united front outward. We may have many discussions about it between us, but when we talked to family members, we would always be unit first. This was one of the first steps for us. Second, living far from both of our families for three years, we started making our own traditions around the holidays, another step that started this process long before the wedding. And finally, now that we are married, we are working with our families to show that though unfortunately we cannot always be everywhere for all the holidays or our free time (wouldn’t that be nice!), we are going to have to make choices, and our priority is now for us to be together, and split up for these occasions. Honestly, sometimes this has been very tough for us, and sometimes our families have been very supportive of us. Although we are in our first year of marriage, we have been on this road for many years now, and it is definitely a process for everyone! We always try to remind ourselves of what our families are experiencing as well, so that we can have more sensitivity for their perspective in addition to our own.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How did you celebrate your first anniversary? If you exchanged gifts, what did you get each other?

Thank you to Mrs. Starfish for this question!

We celebrated our first anniversary with a trip to NYC!

We had an amazing dinner at Morimoto on our actual anniversary date and then finished the night off at the top of the Empire State Building!

We did the “paper” thing. I got the Dude a notebook for keeping football stats made out of an old Blue Oyster Cult album cover. He got me a hardback copy of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary. (Yes, that was a special request on my part!)
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How do you divide up household chores? Did it change, once you were married? Do you divide your chores along gender lines/traditional stereotypes? If so, was it intentional?

Mr. Powder Puff and I sort of naturally fell into the typical gender roles as far as chores go. I cook and clean, he takes out the trash and changes the oil in my car. Of course, we’re flexible. If I’m feeling tired or sick, Mr. Powder Puff will cook for me, or I’ll take out the trash if he isn’t up to it. But generally, we stick with our roles, and are extremely happy to do so! We actually had to discuss, as part of our premarital counseling, who would do what in the relationship. This was so valuable! It allowed us to set our expectations for not only each other, but also for ourselves. I highly recommend discussing these things with your partner, even if you’re not taking part in formal premarital classes. That way everything is out in the open, and no one is left feeling any resentment or disappointment if their expectations aren’t met.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How has your marriage affected your other relationships (with family, friends, coworkers, etc.)? Have you noticed a change in any of your other relationships now that you’re married?

For us, there wasn’t a change, really. Since we had lived together for three years before the wedding, and had been together for four years total, it seemed everyone was used to us being “us.” I had lost one friend early on in our relationship—she was a toxic friend who couldn’t stand seeing me happy and refused to be around me. I think of that as a good change, definitely. Other friends still saw us, and we made more couple friends, which was nice.

I’d have to say the bigger change came from having children, though. Our friends without kids (married or single) are less likely to invite us to things, while family seems more likely to invite us places, even for the smallest things—because they want to see the baby. I can’t blame them, though!
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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If you debated changing your name before the wedding, what did you eventually decide and how has it worked out for you thus far? If you could go back and do it differently, would you have?

I had a hard time with the name change, but eventually we both agreed to change our names. The process was a bit involved, which made it an even harder time. But, for me, most of the angst came from the middle stage—after deciding and after the wedding, but before everything was official. I hated feeling like I was “in between” names, and I was kind of a jerk about it. (For example, my passport came back with the wrong name. I was a raging turd and all-around horrible for a few hours afterward, a la the cliched maternity-ward “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!” outburst.)

But once it was “done” (and I say “done” because I just realized a few weeks ago that I’d never changed my name on my vehicle registration, which, as it turns out, is another huge pain and small expense), it really didn’t bother me anymore. After almost a full year, I’m getting used to being a “Spaniel.” I don’t think I’ve even accidentally given the wrong name yet. Well, once.
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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After your wedding, what were some of your immediate regrets in regards to the wedding day? Now that time has gone by, do you have different/additional regrets, or do you no longer regret those initial regrets?

Immediate regrets: taking my frustrations out on friends and family members during the day. I had hoped that I would be able to play it cool and let things roll off my back on the big day, but I didn’t. When people upset me or things stressed me out, people knew. I still feel terrible about this. Also, I wish I had been more specific about our playlist or used an iPod. You can read about our DJ-related screw ups in my archives—I’m not going to belabor that point.

Later regrets: OMG I DID NOT GET A PICTURE WITH MY MOTHER. We were LITERALLY together ALL DAY and we do not have a posed photograph that is just the two of us! Also, if I had to get married again, I would probably have a smaller bridal party.

The other little things that bugged me after the wedding (wish I had used real flowers on the cake instead of gum paste, wish I hadn’t raised the waistline of my dress, etc.) have faded in the year since our big day…your regrets will too!
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Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Are/were you and your SO on the same page when it comes to having children (or not)? Have your views on having children (when, how many, etc.) changed since you were engaged or first married? If so, what changed your mind/views/timeline? Bee parents: How did you and your SO decide when you were ready to start trying to have children? Did any specific life events influence your decision?

Ah yes, the baby timeline. I had it all worked out. We’d get engaged, get married sometime the next year, wait a year and then get pregnant…then have a second one when the first was about two…that would make us 36 and 38 at which time we would figure out if we wanted a third. The funny thing about timelines, is that they seem so necessary…and to a certain point, they are…I mean, it would have made no sense to wait ten or so years to experience our marriage and then have a baby because we didn’t get married until I was 32 and he was 34. But the reality is that sometimes timelines are just too much pressure.

Have we followed our timeline pretty consistently? Sure. Would it have killed us to have strayed from the timeline? No…it probably would have helped us feel less pressure. The truth is, there is no GOOD time to have a baby. Sometimes the best timing is the unexpected timing because without it you wouldn’t understand how much control you have to relinquish when you have kids. period.

I will say, that the most comforting thing that my husband and I experienced when making that final yes-we’re-ready-to-try-to-start-a-family NOW decision was witnessing two of my most eccentric and opinionated and unique friends have a baby together and seeing how it both did and did not change who they were as people.
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