Weddingbee Blog

Dearest hive,

I know I haven’t written since September and for those of you who remember my posts, you are probably wondering why my lazy arse stopped writing recaps half-way through. I wanted to be honest and announce that I have decided to get a divorce. It is safe to say that this decision is absolutely for the best. When you are in a relationship where you aren’t being treated fairly for a long time, it is easy to put up your blinders and tell yourself that things will pick up and change. This past year it became absolutely clear to me that it was time to take off my blinders to make a better future for myself.

It’s hard to say if I should have seen this coming. Things were never completely stable, but a sudden spiral took place several months after the wedding, during which we attended couples therapy, which only led to more lying and deceit on his behalf. Trying to help someone who suffers from bipolar disorder and depression but refuses to acknowledge the issues at hand or attend personal counseling is not an easy task. I was an incredibly supportive wife (emotionally, financially, artistically, etc.) and realized my decision wasn’t just a matter of me simply losing patience. I had told myself that it was OK that I was the only one giving in the relationship because he needed me and I was sure he would get through this and give back when he could. I knew I could cope with the ever-changing mood swings and even the recurring tantrums—him screaming while breaking my belongings and storming out for hours after a Phillies loss, for instance—but my patience ran thin when his disorder was used as an excuse for lie after lie. Having someone lie straight to your face when you know they aren’t being honest and not even seeing a glimmer of guilt in their eye has to be one of the worst feelings ever. It was a feeling I was becoming more and more numb to over the past year, and I finally got to the point where I didn’t see a purpose in pursuing a relationship without mutual trust or respect.

I had to make the very difficult decision to put myself first and think about what was best for me.
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There was a time in my younger life (before I met Mr. G) when I thought that even a simple conversation about divorce with my future betrothed would be like directly asking for bad luck or a curse on our marriage. Call it youth. Call it superstition. I really had no idea what divorce entailed, but I was hesitant to learn anything about it. Whatever divorce actually meant, I wanted nothing to do with it, and of course, my imaginary future marriage would never end in divorce.

Fast forward to today; I still don’t know that much about divorce (compared to those directly affected by it), but I have seen and lived through my fair share of unhappy marriages and separations. (I won’t go into details to protect friends and family). And as I have witnessed unhappy marriages over the years, it has changed the way I see my own relationship with Mr. G and this abstract “fear” I’ve carried for years over the big d-word: divorce.
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I just watched my first ever episode of Tyra (this is what happens when Mr. Bluebell has plans & I don’t - also, has anyone seen Tori & Dean: Inn Love?? Man, I’m hooked!!!)…and the theme of the episode was DOOMED FOR DIVORCE (yes, with a scary graphic and everything). In addition to picking at every potential issue in two poor couples’ relationships, there was an “Are YOU doomed for divorce?” quiz which was, I am ashamed to admit, the real hook that kept me watching.

The quiz questions were:

1) Have you attended college? (If yes, risk of divorce decreases by 13%)
If Yes: give yourself 1 point

2) Is your annual income over $50,000? (If yes, risk of divorce decreases by 30%)
If Yes: give yourself 4 points

3) Do you have a religious affiliation? (If yes, risk of divorce decreases by 14%)
If Yes: give yourself 1 point

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CNN posted an article a few days ago discussing the drop in divorces (which peaked in 1981; personally, I blame Dallas). Very interesting stuff, as experts are arguing over the possible causes–and whether this is even good news.

From the article:

“Some experts say relationships are as unstable as ever — and divorces are down primarily because more couples live together without marrying.

Other researchers have documented what they call “the divorce divide,” contending that divorce rates are indeed falling substantively among college-educated couples but not among less-affluent, less-educated couples.”

Some statistics from the piece:

“The number of couples who live together without marrying has increased tenfold since 1960; the marriage rate has dropped by nearly 30 percent in past 25 years; and Americans are waiting about five years longer to marry than they did in 1970.” Read more…

I am a product of divorced parents. I think my situation is a little unusual because they just recently (5 years ago) divorced after over 40 years of marriage. For a few years it was rough for both sides but we managed to work it out and have since moved on. I think they’re much happier now. Since it was an arranged marriage, I guess they felt somewhat pushed to love one another. Mr. Apple and I both agree that an unhappy marriage should never stay together for the sake of children.

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