Weddingbee

I will give them until Wednesday for those who mailed them out this weekend… but I ain’t gonna be the one to call them all… that’s what mothers and FMIL is for!

How many non-RSVPers did you get?
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I personally don’t see these as big transgressions but I know to some people, these are probably major etiquette faux pas since they are so steeped in tradition.

However, clinging to something “traditional” for tradition’s sake doesn’t seem right either. For example, although stag and doe parties are fairly traditional and common place here in Southern Ontario, I can’t picture myself ever throwing one because I think I would feel too weird hitting my guests up for cash to help pay for our wedding.

I know we have a lot of readers here on Weddingbee so I’m curious - because a lot has changed since Etiquette was first released in 1922, what do you consider tacky and what do you consider tasteful when it comes to weddings? Are there any hard and fast “wedding rules”? I am still a bit of a newbie when it comes to all this wedding stuff so, to avoid being eternally damned in Etiquette Hell, I’d appreciate some input here.

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But then the lovely people at Macy’s/Wedding Channel complicated the whole thank-you note business for me. Turns out if someone purchases something from your list online, to be shipped directly to you, that just happens to be back-ordered, you’ll get an email about it. The email will tell you who purchased what, what the gift note says and when you can expect it. I wondered though: did the purchaser know that I’d been made aware of this? I called Macy’s/Wedding Channel to find out and in fact, the purchaser does not know this email has been sent to you. So I knew my amazing friend had purchased three of these flatware place settings for me, but she doesn’t know that I know.

Now, was this gift a shower gift? The e-mail arrived the day before the shower. But honestly, this is quite an extravagant gift! I wouldn’t have expected anyone to purchase three place settings period, let alone as a shower gift, since I know that often, those same people go out and buy a wedding gift as well, though they certainly don’t have to! But I wasn’t sure if at the shower I needed to have acknowledged the e-mail, and in fact, I didn’t - so I feel like a schmuck about it. Truth is, I should just acknowledge it as a gift — period — not as a gift for any one event in particular. But I complicate myself because I have thank you stationery for the shower and thank you stationery for the wedding. I’ve decided that since she attended the shower, I’ll acknowledge the gift on that card, and even so after the wedding, I’ll re-acknowledge the gift and her presence at the wedding on the other stationery later.

Then another gift arrived at the house yesterday — from someone who’d been invited to the shower but couldn’t make it. She’s also attending the wedding though. Shower gift? Wedding gift? Gift gift? If she wasn’t at the shower, shouldn’t I not use the shower thank you stationery? And to make things worse, my wedding stationery has my married name on it, which means that “etiquette” wise, I’m not supposed to use it until after the wedding! I had no idea all this thank you business would be so complicated.

And if you receive a wedding gift before the actual wedding but the purchaser also attends the wedding, is the right thing to do to also write another thank you note after the wedding thanking that person for coming?

I’d appreciate the help with what I don’t know, and I’ll share what I do know (which isn’t much, clearly). We have also received some cash/checks.

According to my trusty Emily Post Etiquette book, one is supposed to make sure and refer to the intended use for the money, as in “Thank you so much for the fifty-dollar check. We’re saving for a crystal punch bowl set and your gift will really help us.”One is also supposed to do the following:

- “express appreciation for the specific gift” without ever indicating that you don’t like it, can’t use it or want to exchange it

- “show interest in the gift giver, not just the gift,” as in “I hope we’ll get to see you soon. We’d love to hear about your trip to Canada.”

- “add some personal information,” meaning that if you don’t really know the people who gave you the gift well or you don’t see them often, you should tell them something about yourselves

I’d hoped to be a good girl who worked on her thank you’s diligently, but it appears I have become a crazy woman bogged down by all these etiquette rules: help?
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And Hitched Wedding Salon is having a sample sale on bridal gowns, veils, shoes and jewelry marked down 30%-50% on Thursday, January 10th from 5-8pm.

If there are any sample sales coming up in your neck of the woods, please let us know in the comments!
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An “at home card” is simply a small card that informs people of your married name and any change to your address after the wedding. The modern at home card states any combination of the couple’s names and address, other contact information such as phone and email, and the date after which the couple will be “at home” (traditionally the date of returning from the honeymoon). At home cards can be sent either with the invitation or with a wedding announcement; while most descriptions suggest it’s more common to send them with an announcement, I would suggest that they’re more useful in the invitations.

What do they say? The traditional wording where a bride is keeping her name might be:

My MaidenName
Herr Tulip
after the fifth of July
1600 Pensylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 12345

Traditionally, no names are listed if a bride is not changing her name. I prefer the more modern trend of listing names either way, because it makes everything explicit. However, using “Mr. and Mrs.” is an etiquette no-no if the card is sent with the invitations because the married status is not yet official.

If you’re not worried about traditional wording, you can say pretty much anything you’d like! I plan to use at home cards to inform invitees of both my name change and the fact that I will be moving in with Mr. Tulip after the wedding. The wording probably will read something like this:

The future Mr. and Mrs. Tulip
will reside at Mr. Tulip’s home after the wedding
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 12345
Please keep in touch!

As useful as they are, I admit the whole system of at home cards is a bit strange. The modern version is a weird amalgam of sometimes-modernized wording with a social custom that dates back to at least Victorian times. Here’s a version of an at home card from 1922, as shown in Emily Post’s famous etiquette guide. (She found the cards particularly useful for informing contacts of an address change “in cities not covered by the Social Register.”):

Except for the modern addition of city name and zip code — and of course the bride’s first name! — this is basically the wording used today. Why this form and wording? It seems to have grown out of an extremely convoluted system within Polite Society of leaving calling cards with name and address when visiting. Around the time these calling cards were in vogue, ladies often held specific “at home” days when they held court at home and all visitors were welcome. (By 1922, Emily Post was lamenting that the “Old-Fashioned Day at Home” had fallen out of vogue in New York City.) The term “at home” was also used more broadly to mean accepting visitors — if the lady of the house was not accepting visitors (no matter what her actual location), the butler would greet callers with the news “not at home.” Hence, the cards use the term “at home” and give a date after which you can expect to find the couple receiving visitors.

Want to know more? You can read brief summaries of modern at home cards here and here. And the full text of Emily Post’s fascinating 1922 guidebook can be found here.

How will tell everyone your post-wedding name and address?
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Ok, all joking aside, what do you ladies think of this list of rules? What do you find the most heinous offense? Any you think can be taken off the list? Did Stiverson miss anything that ought to be added to the Polite Guest Handbook?
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Sometimes I forget that my family will be happy to attend our wedding even if the invitation comes in the form of a poorly coded email. Still, when you get online and start hearing about all the etiquette, it’s easy to get wrapped up in it.

I know for Mr. Chickadee and my wedding, we are discarding a lot of modern etiquette while sticking to some other basic principles:

-There will be no registry info in our invites, though it will grace a page on our wed-site.

-I’ve taken up learning calligraphy, though I often get impatient and forget that there’s a specified way to write each of those darn letters. Meh, no one’s going to compare their invites, right?

-We are having an open bar (which, might be a contested “etiquette” point, but I’ve always felt it was proper) and favors.

-My dad is walking me down the aisle (though I wanted my mom to walk me down too).

Conversely, these are many of the non-traditional aspects of our wedding:

-We are seeing each other prior to the walk down the aisle. Both the church and photographer encourage pre-ceremony photos so I happily agreed. That way we can get hours of pictures and not have to worry about bored guests!

-Black black black. My bridesmaids are wearing black! This may not be “etiquette” per say, but I’ve gotten some really appalled looks when I mention it!

-No traditional wedding march for this little bee. I’ve wanted for a long time to walk down the aisle to Beethoven’s Pathetique Sonata (yes, it sounds a little too much like Pathetic Sonata, oh well). It’s a beautiful piano piece and, strangely, Mr. Chickadee and I were watching a movie one day with this song in the background and he said he’d always loved it too! I’d also like my bridesmaids to come down the aisle to Moon River from the Breakfast at Tiffany’s soundtrack.

-I will not be addressing invites to Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. Rather, each wife or significant other will see her name on the outside as well (Jane and John Smith, etc.) In my opinion it’s an antiquated method of addressing and I’d rather not offend anyone.

What about you? What non-traditional elements are you featuring in your wedding and what etiquette are you holding on to for dear life?
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130 seems like a lot of people. It really is plenty. But, when we started trying to knock people off the list, it became increasingly difficult. Especially because of those people who, if you invite them, you have to invite their roommate who you also kind of like — but wouldn’t invite otherwise. Then there’s the whole issue of inviting dates. Early on we said that dates were invited only if we knew the date personally and they were pretty serious. But there’s so much gray area. Who are we to say how serious they are? And if we let one friend have a date, should we let their good friend? In a way, I think it needs to be an across-the-board “no” for dates, but I know certain friends would be really angry. This guest list stuff is not fun. It’s kind of a bad thing when someone tells me they won’t be able to make it and I think, “Yes! One more person we can invite!”

Another interesting question I keep thinking about is considering who will be a part of my life in the years to come. This may sound odd, but I’ve been reading tips on the knot about narrowing the guest list and one of the suggestions was to think of the people who you see being a big part of your life in the years to come. I have a few people on the so-called “B List,” who I haven’t seen in over a year and rarely talk to. We’ve moved far apart and are pursuing very different things. I’m not sure if they’ll continue to be in my life. I feel awful saying that, but maybe I’d rather have some of the people I see on a monthly basis who are in the same field and are following a more similar path. What are your thoughts? Does that seem logical?

How would you narrow the list? Should we send the invites out in batches so that if we don’t fill 130, we can invite a second wave? (Emily Post is probably rolling over in her grave about now). I need your help!!

(image via cartoonstock)
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