Miss Fox, Washington DC/Havre de Grace, MDAge and Occupation: 26, Massage TherapistFiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Field Support EngineerEngagement Date: April 18, 2010Wedding Date: June 2012Venue: Vandiver InnAbout Me: I’m a dancer turned massage therapist who was born and raised in New York. Alas, true love has brought me “south” where I still maintain my penchants for pretty shoes, wine, crossword puzzles, cherry blossoms, and the Mets. I own more sunglasses than a normal person should and don’t eat red meat (though I make up for it by eating my weight in sushi). I tend to be a big planner who likes to get things started early, but generally end up being indecisive and procrastinating when it comes down to it. I have a (not so) secret crush on Chris Carrabba, but my loyalty and love ultimately goes to the future hubs, of course! Together, my Foxy man and I love to discuss (read: debate) politics and current events, have Mario Kart and Scrabble duels, and just laugh. A lot. We’re hoping and planning for a laid back, fun, summery, rustic vibe to our June wedding that will be genuinely “us” – that is, if we finally make some decisions. Huzzah!
Have you heard of the little web series called “Shit Girls Say” on YouTube? If not, go here. It’s hysterical. There have been all sorts of versions and varieties made on this concept—one of my recent favorites is “Shit Ballerinas Say.” Having been a dancer for many years, 90% of it rang all. too. true. (OMG, it’s whole milk.)
So imagine my surprise and complete delight when I saw the newest edition.
Yes, it is none other than “Shit Brides Say.” Watch it. Laugh at it. Love it.
Miss Unicycle, Chicago, ILAge and Occupation: 23, Editor for a Web Publishing CompanyFiance's Age and Occupation: 23, MD/PhD StudentEngagement Date: March 26, 2011Wedding Date: June 2012Venue: Bridges of Poplar CreekAbout Me: I’m a writer by trade who likes analyzing pop culture, making fun of celebrities, and laughing until I cry. I’m the queen of half-assed crafts, and there’s nothing I won’t try to DIY. You can usually find me reading blogs on my laptop in front of a good Lifetime movie, wine in hand. I’m planning a polka-dotted summertime wedding to my physics geek college sweetheart, and when I’m not making stupid puns I’m freaking out about my wedding timeline.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from celebrities this year, it’s how not to maintain a relationship. Sure, lots of people divorce for legitimate reasons, including celebrities, and I truly don’t know enough about relationships (and even less about marriage) to know why they sometimes fail. But hindsight is 20/20, especially when you’re looking at a celebrity whose story has been highly dramatized by the media. Disclaimer over. Follow these tips and your marriage is guaranteed to succeed!*
1. Don’t marry a drug counselor if you’re a drug abuser. And if you do, at least try to hide it from him. And if you have to frantically search for crack cocaine in front of your drug counselor husband on occasion, make sure that occasion isn’t your wedding night. Note: If you make this mistake and still want to be with your husband, have lots of caveman makeup sex in order to win him back.
Miss Aardvark, Beaver Dam, WIAge and Occupation: 23, Assistant Product ManagerFiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Business Analyst Engagement Date: May 28th, 2011Wedding Date: April 2012Venue: St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.About Me: I am a resourceful lady who love surprises and adventure. At the same time, I value traditions, family and friends. I like to make crafty messes, sometimes, clean them up, and do pretty much anything outdoors. The Mister and I are pretty avid cyclists---we have nine bikes in our home right now...and one motorcycle! We both enjoy eating food we can't pronounce (language doesn't really matter) and going places we've never been. We currently reside in rural Wisconsin, enjoying the cheese and beer it has to offer, and getting outside whenever we can!
I was browsing through the Weddingbee boards when I stumbled on this post. It was a simple “Thank You” to Pronovias for having their models smile in pictures. This is something that has been on my mind for a while… Especially while paging through wedding magazines, I have noticed that many of the models look downright sour! On top of that the ones that don’t look mad, often look downright ridiculous.
Now, I understand being “artsy” and “high fashion” but come on… these are dresses for WEDDINGS! These women should be HAPPY! Or, at the very least, not totally angst ridden. I should preface by saying that I have nothing against the designers or dresses pictured below.
Without further ado, a collection of the funniest/oddest/unhappiest beautiful ladies and what I imagine they are thinking:
“I have to get my hands untied so I can get to my wedding! The evil Count Weddingwrecker will be sorry once I get out of here!”
Mrs. Ladyfingers, Saint Petersburg, FLAge and Occupation: 30, Marketing ManagerFiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Sports WriterEngagement Date: December 24, 2010Wedding Date: November 2011Venue: Palma Sola Botanical ParkAbout Me: I hail from Oklahoma, he was born and raised in Long Island. Fate brought us together, and now we live in a cute little rental house with our nutty dog, and our aloof cat. We both love to read, watch movies, explore our town, and laugh like hyenas. When I’m not obsessively wedding crafting, I enjoy stalking style and decorating blogs, making collages and painting, napping, thrifting, rearranging our bookshelves, and being a total weirdo with my friends. Hi!
In the midst of making our engagement photo aisle endcaps for the ceremony, I found myself spitting out a bit of a euphemism.
“The great thing about our venue being outside is that we really don’t need any flowers in the ceremony!”
And in my head, I translated it as,
“Thank God there’s some shrubbery where we’re getting married, because if we had to try to find a way to pay for ceremony floral decorations too, I might just throw in the towel.”
And it got me thinking. Much like there’s a secret code-speak in the real estate world (cozy = shoebox, quaint = walls are falling down), there seems to be a bit of a cipher going on in the wedding planning world, as well. And I’m not the only one who’s caught myself saying what I don’t mean—vendors do it, too.
So to help you newly blushing brides to be navigate the murky waters of wedding planning doublespeak, I present to you, the Wedding-to-Real-World Translation Guide.
Mrs. Biscuit, Morgantown, WVAge and Occupation: 24, Dental StudentFiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Chemist at a pharmaceutical companyEngagement Date: April 2010Wedding Date: July 2011Venue: Catholic Church, Lakeview Golf Resort and SpaAbout Me: I'm an engineer who decided to trek back to my hometown three years ago to become skilled in the arts of drilling and filling. I'm engaged to a pretty awesome guy who tests your assorted benzodiazepines by day and home brews by night. Together we have two fur children, Tsali and Tobias N. Fünkat. I'm a lazy perfectionist and eternal sorority girl who enjoys running, crafting, string cheese, good beer, and bad reality TV. We are planning a Big Fat Italian/Sicilian/Polish wedding filled with DIY details and are expecting 300 +/- 50 guests. Our whimsical summer affair is themed "Alice attends the Mad Hatter Vintage Garden Tea Party in a Ballroom. She Thinks That The Venue is Odd for a Vintage Garden Party, but is Tripping on LSD, so She Doesn't Really Care." Yes, I am the Dickens of themes.
Hive, I’m about to have my bridal shower. I’m pretty excited, as it should be a good time.
My grandmother was kind enough to deposit some money in my checking account as my shower gift. Side note—any one else think this is kinda funny? Because she is showering me with money—so, technically making it rain? OK, maybe that’s just me.
Anywho, she gave me the deposit slip and then said that she wanted me to buy something “personal” with it. I was so excited that I had free rein to spend it on something other than something for the wedding. Then I realized that she may have meant:
Mrs. Cinnamon Bun, Calgary, AlbertaAge and Occupation: 26, Stage ManagerFiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Theatre TechnicianEngagement Date: June 22, 2010Wedding Date: June 2011Venue: Calgary Opera CentreAbout Me: I'm a life-long crafter and bookworm living in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies. Some of my loves include Lord of the Rings, Sherlock Holmes, knitting, opera, musicals, Etsy, baking, and of course, Mr. Cinnamon Buns. We're keeping our wedding close to home---the venue isn't very far from our house, and we live within walking distance of 6 bridal salons. I'm using the wedding as an excuse to try out every craft project I possibly can, with the endless help and support of my fiance.
I have one tip for everyone who is planning a wedding when their parents/bridal party/best friends are not in the same city. Use photos! In this email age, there is no excuse not to email pictures to your loved ones who are helping you plan (in my case, my parents). I’m not too great with words when I’m just talking (but they run like a river when I’m typing!) so a lot of our misunderstandings stemmed from that, I’m sure. That and the filter effect of trying to describe to a person the picture inside your head. The words you might use to describe something may not be the ones that evoke the right image for your listener. If I’d sent an email with a few photos to explain my ideas before I phoned Cinnamum to talk about X idea, I’m sure some things would have been smoother. Think about how good your ‘audience’ is at visualizing. There is no shame in being on the phone and sitting at your computer collecting photos into an email. Then you can say “I’ve just sent you an example of what we’re talking about!” and if they’ve got a computer handy, you’re immediately on the same page.
Here’s an example of some of the mix-ups we’ve had:
Mrs. Biscuit, Morgantown, WVAge and Occupation: 24, Dental StudentFiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Chemist at a pharmaceutical companyEngagement Date: April 2010Wedding Date: July 2011Venue: Catholic Church, Lakeview Golf Resort and SpaAbout Me: I'm an engineer who decided to trek back to my hometown three years ago to become skilled in the arts of drilling and filling. I'm engaged to a pretty awesome guy who tests your assorted benzodiazepines by day and home brews by night. Together we have two fur children, Tsali and Tobias N. Fünkat. I'm a lazy perfectionist and eternal sorority girl who enjoys running, crafting, string cheese, good beer, and bad reality TV. We are planning a Big Fat Italian/Sicilian/Polish wedding filled with DIY details and are expecting 300 +/- 50 guests. Our whimsical summer affair is themed "Alice attends the Mad Hatter Vintage Garden Tea Party in a Ballroom. She Thinks That The Venue is Odd for a Vintage Garden Party, but is Tripping on LSD, so She Doesn't Really Care." Yes, I am the Dickens of themes.
Hey there hive. I’ve been slacking in the blogging realm lately. It’s because I’m stuck in major DIY hell complete with fire, brimstone, and vats of various craft adhesives. My current issue has been our invitation design. To most people, this is a mundane task; however, I have somehow escalated it into a ridiculously complicated endeavor that has taken weeks to resolve itself. You see, my original design didn’t have a proper resolution, and ever since I’ve found that out, any attempt to design something new spiraled out of control. During this process, I went through the normal stages of DIY grief. What? You’ve never heard of such a thing? Well, consider yourself lucky. For those fortuitous DIY queens who have never had a blunder I’ll illustrate these stages.
Mrs. Flamingo, Montreal, CanadaAge and Occupation: 25, Graphic DesignerFiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Nursing StudentEngagement Date: December 2004Wedding Date: June 21, 2008Venue: Imperia Hotel (modern chic hotel)About Me: I am a passionate designer who loves anything pretty. I heart all paper products (eco-friendly of course). My passion revolves around anything considered glamour; vintage and modern. In my free time, I love reading Martha mags, designing jewelry and making a pit-stop at Starbucks for a chai latte. I'm also a chocoholic at heart and my family drools over my homemade truffles.
Clearly if I filled out this 1930s marital rating chart (wife edition), I’d fail miserably! I’d lose points on: Read more…
Mrs. Pug, New York City/Half Moon Bay, CAAge and Occupation: 33, LawyerFiance's Age and Occupation: 32, dittoEngagement Date: July 2008Wedding Date: March 2010Venue: Ritz-Carlton, Half Moon BayAbout Me: The Mr. and I are two 30-somethings who enjoy tasty sweets of all kinds, our neighborhood wine store, and cuddling with our pug. NYC is where we live and the city we love, but we’re doing the deed out in Northern California. We are trying to keep the affair small, intimate, and manageable. Our motto is: the less people, the better! (I’m kidding.)
If you read through my posts (which I am *so* sure you will do immediately after reading this post), you’ll see that I am the bottom of the barrel when it comes to being a wedding blogger. I am neither crafty nor DIY inclined, but worse yet, my posts don’t even have a ton of inspiration or research for you. Practically useless! However, the biggest kick I got out of blogging was being random and sharing some humor during the often hand-wringing process of wedding planning. While my earlier posts started on the straightforward and narrow, at some point I veered sharply into attempting to be funny and entertaining. Whether I succeeded is questionable, although I sure got a giggle out of the whole thing. Wow…where am I going with this. Anyway, this is one of my favorite posts because it’s perfectly random—it doesn’t share anything useful with readers, doesn’t reveal anything interesting about my wedding, but I love it anyway because I think I’m so damn funny.
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Get it? Get it? Today I’m talking about trains!
Betcha thought this was about me getting a yummy pair of Jimmy Choos, huh? Well no. Although perhaps that would have been a way cooler post.*
Back to choo-choo. I didn’t think much about the train in purchasing a wedding dress, but then I found so many lovely photos you can get with a train. And guess what I realized? Your train can be pretty demanding. It refuses to be left out, and bulldozes its way into every phase of the wedding. Needy, needy train, about to bore down with frightening might and speed on your wedding.
The train getting ready, *without you*. I mean, the TRAIN has its own getting ready pic?
Mrs. French Fries, MilwaukeeAge and Occupation: 27, ParalegalFiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Investments AdvisorEngagement Date: September 20, 2008Wedding Date: June 2010Venue: Ceremony: Catholic Church, Reception: Hotel BallroomAbout Me: I'm a Midwestern girl who longs to live in a warmer climate (my feet would be happy in flip flops any day!). I love travel, impromptu napping, grilled cheese sandwiches, my iPhone, singing with reckless abandon in my car, and Mr. French Fries.
This post goes out to all of the DIY-brides out there who have spent way too many evenings with glue gun burns on their fingertips and craft paint in their hair (seriously…how does paint get all the way up to your hair?). Take heart, ladies … it’s worth it in the end!
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1. See something cute and wedding-y in one of the following places: Etsy, one of the 50 wedding blogs in your reader, or in Martha Stewart Weddings magazine.
2. Decide that you absolutelymusthaveitOMGitistooperfect.
3. Google it like it’s your job, trying to find pictures of it in any capacity.
3 (a). Fall in love with said item even more.
4. Congratulate self on finding something so unique/”you”/kitschy/awesome.
5. Look to see what vendors are charging for said item.
Mrs. Octopus, Boston, MA/Pittsburgh, PAAge and Occupation: 25, Grad StudentFiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Graphics Operator for TV NewsEngagement Date: May 6th, 2009Wedding Date: September 2010Venue: Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception
About Me: When my best friend dragged me to a toga party in our freshmen year of college, I was not expecting to meet my future husband; but seven years later, here we are. I'm a crazy-organized planner at heart, and I am a great lover of random trivia, books, chocolate, blogs, new and exciting adventures, mockumentary-style television, and anything heavily flavored with bright orange fake cheese powder. We're planning a festive and fun mini-destination wedding in the place where we met: fabulous Pittsburgh, PA! I can't wait to marry the man I love!
Today, when I got the mail, I found the usual pile of junk. I also found a thick envelope from my aunt, from whom I had not been expecting anything. Guess what? When I tore it open, I found The Greatest Thing Ever.
My aunt, Margie, is the mom of my ten-year-old cousin C (whose full name I’m not using because I think it might be weird to identify a ten-year-old on the Internet). C is an awesome kid whose interests tend to run toward science, completely withdrawing into his own head to read for hours (VERY much like his cousin Octo here), figuring out math concepts, and sharing little-known facts. Based on his usual hobbies, likes, and dislikes, he would not have been my first guess as to which of our kid attendees was going to celebrate the wedding with the most abandon.
I was wrong, though. In fact, at one point during our wedding reception, Bridesmaid/Cousin Katie observed, “I think C is having an out-of-body experience. His soul has left his body and the spirit of Michael Jackson has taken its place.” Read more…
Mrs. Pin Cushion, Oakland, CAAge and Occupation: 25, Nurse Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, PhD StudentEngagement Date: November 23, 2008Wedding Date: July 2010Venue: Radonich Ranch, Los GatosAbout Me: I'm the 3 Cs: crafty, creative and quirky (oh, that's not a C? Close enough!). I'm also a recycling fanatic, fluent in bad accents and I have the loudest laughter this side of the Mississippi. I have not just one sweet tooth, but a whole mouth full of sweet teeth. I cry at 97.4% of all movies I see, but my fiance's always there to hand me a tissue. My geek-chic fiance and I are planning a wedding full of color, cookies and handmade goodness and I can't wait to spill the beans on all of our crazy ideas!
…but perhaps you can have your wedding at McDonald’s!
Listening to NPR on a recent commute, I heard a news story that I just had to share with the hive—McDonald’s now offers wedding packages for the Big Mac loving bride and groom!
To be honest, it seems like quite a steal. Here is what you get for the low, low price of $400:
1. Ceremony and reception space at the home of the golden arches (though they won’t close the restaurant for you [the McNugget addicts need their fix, even if it is your wedding day]).
Mrs. Octopus, Boston, MA/Pittsburgh, PAAge and Occupation: 25, Grad StudentFiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Graphics Operator for TV NewsEngagement Date: May 6th, 2009Wedding Date: September 2010Venue: Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception
About Me: When my best friend dragged me to a toga party in our freshmen year of college, I was not expecting to meet my future husband; but seven years later, here we are. I'm a crazy-organized planner at heart, and I am a great lover of random trivia, books, chocolate, blogs, new and exciting adventures, mockumentary-style television, and anything heavily flavored with bright orange fake cheese powder. We're planning a festive and fun mini-destination wedding in the place where we met: fabulous Pittsburgh, PA! I can't wait to marry the man I love!
Our RSVPs have begun to roll in steadily, and I have been trying to play it cool about just how excited I am to go to the mailbox every day and find a few more little cards. One of the things I’ve been enjoying the most is how many people have gone out of their way to add a little note or a joke to us—sweet things like, “we can’t wait to share in your joy!”, or, from my recently-married best friend, an asterisk next to her “number attending” to let me know that she might also be bringing some friends who were going to be in town that weekend, and their dates, and possibly a baby or two, but she wasn’t sure yet, and would let me know a few days before the wedding. Oh, bride inside jokes. Or, my favorite so far, an RSVP from a friend of Mr. O’s, with whom he has a number of running jokes about robots:
But here’s the card that threw me for a huge loop yesterday: Read more…
Mrs. Cola, Mountain View, CAAge and Occupation: 27, Product Communications and PromotionsFiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Managing Partner and Senior DesignerEngagement Date: March 5, 2009Wedding Date: June 2010Venue: The Mountain Terrace, Woodside, CAAbout Me: I’m a Washington State native, enjoying life in Silicon Valley California with my fiancé, our three kitties and one leopard gecko. I like reading wedding blogs, Photoshopping wedding design mock ups, making lists, and planning, planning, planning! I’m a bit of an anomaly, on one side I’m a very girlie girl, I collect shoes, I lay out my outfits 4-6 weeks in advance, and I’d never leave the house without my hair curled and makeup on. But on the other side, I’m a total tomboy, I love to go camping and hiking, play drinking games (hey, I’m Irish!) and most of my closest friends are guys. My fiancé and I are planning a DIY-focused wedding with a balance between easygoing (what he wants) and chic and stylish (what I want), and are tying it all together with elements in lavender, sage, butter cream and chocolate.
Alright, it’s time to lay down some wedding day wisdom regarding peeing!
I know this is something we’ve all thought about, or will have to think about. How the heck do you use the restroom in a wedding dress? It’s not easy, no matter how you look at it, that’s for sure. Especially if you have a dress with lots of material and poof, like an A-line or ball gown.
After purchasing my dress back in October, I looked on the Weddingbee boards and Googled for advice on how exactly to go about doing this. There was no way I was gonna hold it all night, and the ridonk rumor about bridal diapers wasn’t something I’d ever consider! But I basically found the same advice over and over, to get help from one of your bridesmaids.
Would you like to see a little illustration on the recommended way of peeing in a wedding gown, and the different way I found that works better? I thought so! Read more…
Mrs. Octopus, Boston, MA/Pittsburgh, PAAge and Occupation: 25, Grad StudentFiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Graphics Operator for TV NewsEngagement Date: May 6th, 2009Wedding Date: September 2010Venue: Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception
About Me: When my best friend dragged me to a toga party in our freshmen year of college, I was not expecting to meet my future husband; but seven years later, here we are. I'm a crazy-organized planner at heart, and I am a great lover of random trivia, books, chocolate, blogs, new and exciting adventures, mockumentary-style television, and anything heavily flavored with bright orange fake cheese powder. We're planning a festive and fun mini-destination wedding in the place where we met: fabulous Pittsburgh, PA! I can't wait to marry the man I love!
In our senior year of college, Mr. Octo and his two roommates (who are now both groomsmen) challenged each other to a Beard-Off, in order to determine who could grow the manliest and most luxurious beard in the shortest amount of time. This was a dumb contest for him to participate in, because his roommates were both far hairier than his baby face could ever be, and defeated him soundly. Ever since then, though, he’s taken a liking to experimenting with his facial hair, and he’s had a beard on and off for the past year or two. Since about February, the beard’s been on—until tonight!
We both agreed that he shouldn’t be bearded for the wedding, because it’s a fairly recent look for him, and he’d probably look more traditionally “himself” without one. Even though we’ve still got three months, he decided to shave it now, because he tans really easily. We worried that if he left the beard on for the summer, he could end up with a beard tan line come September, which would be hilarious, but tragic-looking.
Operation: Beard Removal progressed through a number of stages. Here’s Phase One:
Daffodil, who had previously been clamoring for me to pick her up so she could sit on the bed with me, was alarmed at what came next. Read more…
