Weddingbee Blog

So a few months ago, we did our Pre-Cana classes through the Church. It was loads of fun and I really enjoyed the conversations it inspired. We even got a little certificate that showed we took the course.

This, however, was not the end of our Catholic marriage prep. We also had to complete a FOCCUS inventory and review it with another couple from our church. Well, we are halfway there because we both finished our surveys. We had to do it individually and without input from the other and then discuss together. In a few weeks we will get an appointment to view our results with another couple. I am really looking forward to that part.

I was a bit nervous about the questionnaire at the beginning because it came right out and asked if we were cohabiting. And the answer was yes. I was a bit nervous that the whole thing would be very preachy. But really, it wasn’t, most of the questions were simple ’agree’ ’disagree’ or ’uncertain’ multiple choice and covered family, finances and faith. There were a few questions about child rearing here and there but over all it was pretty low-key.
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Might as well get right to the point!

This weekend, Bossyboots and I had our Pre Cana, which is one of the requirements the Catholic Church places on people who are planning to wed. Our day started off in the usual way (of course!).

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Mr. Unicycle and I had our first meeting with our priest this weekend, and as we got closer the appointment time, I got more and more nervous. I’d heard horror stories about priests separating the couple and asking them questions in separate rooms (the ol’ divide and conquer!), making them sign a document promising never to use birth control, and badgering them about how often they attend church. I was basically shitting bricks rocks.

Image via IMDB

I’m not sure why I was so nervous. We’re basically moral/ethical people. We’re “pure” for all intents and purposes (and that’s the last I’ll say on that topic…), we don’t live together, we’ve never been married before, and neither of us are atheists. But yet, the more I think about it, the more I feel like I’m not devout enough to get married in a church.

Let me back up: I’m a former Catholic school girl.
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One of the things I put on the backburner is our Ketubah. For those unfamiliar, a Ketubah, in essence, is a Jewish marriage contract. It’s the religious equivalent of that marriage license you wait on line for at city hall. Bonus points for there being no line to get this one!

With the invention of that thing called the interwebs there are now something along the lines of 209,323,095 resources available to find and purchase Ketubahs. There are tons of variations done by many different types of artists.

There’s the traditional:

Image via Ketubah.com

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Having grown up with a devoutly religious mother, the wedding scenes I imagined as a child were all inside the church I visited every Sunday. As my identity developed in my 20s, my relationship with that church evolved and I no longer felt compelled to get married in it. I moved away and was exposed to more belief systems as a result. I remember taking the “Belief-o-matic” quiz and reading a lot on ReligiousTolerance.org during that period and was surprised by some of what I learned. Meanwhile, Mr. Mink grew up going to church occasionally, but didn’t feel a connection to a particular sect as an adult.

When we started to talk about finding an officiant for our wedding, Mr. Mink suggested a friend of his who got ordained online a while back. At the time, I didn’t know the friend very well and the idea wasn’t all that appealing. I was much more hopeful that a wonderful neighbor who was serving as an interim pastor for a church in town would be part of our day.

Image from the Charlottesville Wedding Blog / Photo by Anne & Bill Holland of Holland Photo Arts

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Mr. D and I have really started to gear up for the wedding. Starting next month, our wedding events begin. My fantastic mad hatter tea party bridal shower is next month, my bachelorette weekend is in February (as is Mr. D’s dude weekend), and the wedding (dum, dum, duh, dum) is in March.

Holy shit, things are getting real.

In preparation for the big event, Mr. D and I are starting to tie up some of the loose ends (fonts for the invite, setting the rehearsal dinner time, yada yada), but we recently began something that is making us focus on the reason for this big shindig: pre-marital counseling.

Back in June we took one of these things:

Image via Foccus Inc. USA

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In other words, the two biggest disagreement points between future Foxy and me. Keyword: future.

The topics of God and guns have come up several times, since the two of us don’t necessarily see eye to eye on either one. Where it gets tricky is when we talk about our future kiddos; sure, it’s a (long) ways away, but it’s something that we’re trying to decide on now. Duke it out ahead of time and such.

Here goes:

1. God

Image via Set A Mark

I’ve already mentioned several times that I grew up Lutheran and Foxy is atheist.
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Mr. Aardvark and I just got back from our pre-Cana, or marital prep class required by the Catholic church. For us, it was a one day workshop with about fifty other couples. We heard people speak about things from conflict resolution to commitment and everything in between. Going into this class I had no idea what to expect. As such, I was pretty nervous. However, it was a totally enjoyable day, and a nice way to spend a Saturday (aside from having to get up early to drive a few towns over). I did not look very hard, but was not able to find a breakdown of what to expect. So for your reading pleasure:

It started at nine in the morning, in the church basement. We were fed (yay food) and did a little ice breaker: line up by wedding date. I have to say, I knew April was coming fast, but it hit hard when we were clearly in the early part of the lineup. I’m talking first quarter here, people! Holy smokes, this thing is happening AND SOON (not as soon as the handful of couples getting married on 11/11/11 or 11/12/11—seriously guys, way to wait until the last second to take the class! Just kidding, but I was nervous for them when they said their dates!).

The rest of the day was split between hearing couples who had been married a while (30+ years) talk about things like commitment and communication, and working on a little work book where we would fill out questions about our relationship and marriage on our own and then share these answers with each other. That was one of my favorite parts of the whole day. Mr. Aardvark does not verbalize his feelings very often so to read some of his answers to these questions was very touching. We did not use the whole booklet during the class but I would really like to read/fill out the rest of the question individually and share them on our own time.

There were also little breakout sessions. You could pick from a few options, and these were smaller group discussions. We went to one on parenting which was interesting (a couple talking about some of their challenges and favorite parts of raising kids) but maybe not super helpful. The other break-out was on dealing with in-laws which was really not useful for us. It was all about creating distance from your parents and starting your own families. I think the guy said “cut the apron strings” about 20 times… but Mr. A and I have been on our own for years before we met, so those strings had been cut. Oh well. We did get to hear some funny stories, though.

One of the most interesting parts, for me, was the couple that spoke to us about NFP.
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Mr. P and I are Jewish by birth. How we practice Judaism, however, doesn’t exactly fit nicely into a box that can be defined. We celebrate pertinent holidays, but sort of do it “our” way (maybe we break the Yom Kippur fast a little bit before sundown). Although I identity myself as being Jewish, it doesn’t hold a huge weight over my life. I would say I am more “spiritual” than anything else. I believe in some of the laws of Judaism. Others, I have a hard time putting myself behind. I believe there is SOMETHING out there, may it be God, Allah, or Aladdin—I don’t know. I also think there’s a place good people end up. It’s too depressing for me to think there is nothing out there in that great beyond.

Regardless of my own religious opinion of things, there will be many Jewish traditions that will show up in our wedding. Mr. P grew up a little more “religious” then I did. He wasn’t Orthodox, but was raised somewhere between Reform and Conservative. He didn’t live in a kosher home or strictly celebrate the Sabbath. But, he did go to Hebrew school, learn Hebrew, have a Bar Mitzvah, and quit it on the bread products during Passover. I grew up in a much more lax household. I didn’t want to go to Hebrew school as a kid so no one forced me to. I never learned Hebrew. I never had a Bat Mitzvah.
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On Saturday, September 10th, Mr. Ball Cap and I attended our Special PreCana marriage preparation class. The Archdiocese of Chicago requires a marriage preparation course in order to receive the sacrament of Matrimony. We were able to choose from two courses: PreCana or Special PreCana.

Family Ministries.org describes the classes as follows:

PreCana is designed for engaged couples in their twenties with no special concerns. They are designed to cover topics that will help you in your married life.

Special PreCana is recommended for couples if one or both are at least 30 years of age or older; or for those who were previously married, or for couples who are living together, or are civilly married for less than six months. This class utilizes the dynamics of regular PreCana, but more emphasis is placed on the areas of married life to which the more experienced couple can relate.

Through short talks, sharing of the facilitator’s own experiences, group exercises and personal reflection, engaged couples are guided through topics useful for a successful future marriage. Some of the topics presented are: the changing nature of marriage, personal growth, and couple adjustment, mutual decision-making, the elements of effective communication, conflict management, intimacy and sexual expression, financial planning, sacramentality, goal setting, the extended family, where to find help and counseling for marriage, and interfaith marriage.

Because Mr. BC and I are both in our 30s and we are living together, we chose to attend the Special PreCana class.
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You might argue that Mr. Funnel Cake is more religious than I am, but when it comes to church activities, I take the lead. Growing up in an ultra-traditional Catholic family, I was an altar girl for a number of years as well as a regular lector, an active member of the choir and even a Eucharistic minister. (Wow Miss FC, you’re sooo Catholic!)

I’ve read countless stories and verses in the Bible between Sunday school, religion class, Bible camp and my lector duties, while Mr. Funnel Cake has never even read the Bible, let alone had religion class. (How does a Swiss Catholic manage that??) So you would think with all my Catholic experience I would be great at planning the music and readings for our wedding. Ha!

I was sailing along smoothly with my music request of “traditional hymns and an Ave Maria,” but when my music director asked me what responsorial psalm we were using, I hit a big, red brick wall.

(Source)

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An important part of our wedding preparation process is focussed solely on me, and the big guy upstairs… Mr Teaspoon is Catholic and we will be having a Catholic ceremony in the Catholic chapel! So, whilst our priest does not require me to be Catholic in order to marry us and nor does Mr Teaspoon, it is something I have been wanting to do for the past few years without really much of a deadline. So, what better time to start than with an impending sacrament upon us?

An eye-opening experience for me was Rome and Vatican City; we visited in October of last year! I absolutely could not believe the heritage and consistency that the church has maintained for over 2000 years, despite everything that has happened. It is particularly evident for us being from such a “young” country—seeing St Peters Basilica, completed in the 1600s, in all its glory was mind-blowing. The pantheon was in another whole playing field considering when it was built…but I digress. When we went to Italy I had already decided to become Catholic—it just re-affirmed my decision.

I’m sure there are many out there in the Hive who have grown up as Catholic or subsequently been confirmed into the Catholic Church. However, being new to this whole thing is hasn’t been as overwhelming as I first thought it’d be. My first port of call was our priest, who actually recommended this book:
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The Baconator and I are what you might call spiritual but not exactly religious. We both had fairly religious upbringings, but never found a church in Chicago for us to join. We kept meaning to, but it just didn’t happen, so when we decided to get married, we had to face the fact that a church wedding wasn’t really in the cards. We nixed looking at churches for the ceremony and committed to finding a venue where we could have both the wedding and the party.

Once that contract was signed, sealed and delivered, we started weighing the pros and cons of the right officiant. First up was a Justice of the Peace, but while they are easy to find, we were worried that the ceremony would be too straight forward and not full of enough character.

Next was the idea of inviting a childhood priest to come and officiate, but that would have only been sentimental for one of us, while the other half of the couple might as well have a stranger. Besides, since neither of us grew up in the Chicago area, he would have to travel eight hours to the wedding and we’d have to cover travel costs and hotel.

We then moved on to a DIY officiant where we get a friend or family member to do the ceremony for us with one of those online officiant certificates.
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The soda part is a joke. Sort of. I mean, there are two Mexi-Cokes chilling to the perfect temperature in my refrigerator now—ice flecks, a few drops of condensation on the glass, a frosty bottle cap. So I guess Bossyboots’ and my foundation might be slightly made of soda.

(SOURCE)

Nevertheless, I was at my regular book club dinner for half-price wine glass night, and a few of us got into a conversation about how weddings often force couples into evaluating the role religion—faith—spirituality will all play in their life. In addition to money, children, and about eight-hundred-thousand other things (!)

You all know that Bossyboots and I are investigating a Catholic or Catholic-esque ceremony. In preparation, we’ve been attending mass, but we are also mixing things up by attending a Protestant church that I like. I feel like a bit of a mish mosh because at my core, I am spiritual—but I wouldn’t say I have a faith (to quote one of my book club buddies). I definitely don’t have a religion.
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Bossyboots is Catholic. His siblings are Catholic. His parents are Catholic. His grandparents were Catholic. Repeat and continue. I am a Baptist from Texas and thought Catholicism was a dying religion until I moved to Chicago, Land of a Million Catholics. I’m serious.

Nowadays, I consider myself spiritual rather than associated with any organized religion. I love God, but not necessarily in a building. Please do not send me any conversion emails—I am well-versed (ha!).

For Bossyboots, it’s important that some semblance of Catholicism be present in our ceremony. What this means, we aren’t exactly sure yet. We know we’d like his father to say a prayer, and I want my father to say the blessing that he’s spoken over me and all my siblings since we were tiny. Those two elements are of utmost importance. Mucho importante!

My man and I have split up our wedding to-do list… he is taking the lead on figuring out our Catholic options. If we go the churchy route, most likely a full mass is out.
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