I talked previously about how totally awesome my daughter is and how incredibly blessed I feel to have her in my life. As happy as I am to have her, and as proud as I am to be her mom, I will also admit that it has been a bit awkward to be a single mom who’s not really a single mom. Mr. Cannon and I have lived together since we moved to Arizona in 2007, so Cherry Bomb has lived with us as a traditional nuclear family her entire life. But since Mr. Cannon and I aren’t married, there have been a couple of issues for us.
Those early days
Cherry Bomb has been on my insurance since she was born. Cherry Bomb has Mr. Cannon’s last name, but they mistakenly put my last name on her insurance card. This caused some problems that took awhile to get fixed, which was a huge pain because babies go to the doctor for checkups all the time. We also had to make decisions about who would claim her on our taxes. Beyond these admittedly minor-in-the-long-run issues (which could be issues even for married couples with different last names who filed their taxes separately), there are the emotions attached to the whole thing. On one hand, I feel sort of bad about having a child out of wedlock. I’m in no way embarrassed or ashamed of Cherry Bomb, but I just feel weird about the whole thing. Like I know people judge me about it, so it makes me uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with my daughter, but everything to do with how I feel about myself and how I think other people perceive me.
Quite honestly, I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to have a nice wedding because we already have a kid. I feel like everyone is thinking, “Why are they even bothering to have a wedding? They already have a kid and a life together. Just go to the courthouse.” I feel like I’m wasting money on something selfish and that we should be saving for a house or to send Cherry Bomb to college in 16 years.
This love deserves a wedding, right?
On the other hand, it’s not like a wedding is something you earn through sexual purity. I don’t think we’re all naive enough to believe that all the couples getting married without children are virginal. So why don’t I “deserve” a special day to commemorate joining with the love of my life? And money-wise, we have a pretty small budget that is all cash and we know we can afford. Sure, we could save it for our house, for Cherry Bomb’s future, or even our future, but couldn’t everyone spend their wedding money on something else? Plus, no matter what I do in life, there will always be some judgmental person who has something to say about it. There’s always “that guy.” I can’t let “that guy” dictate my life. So, I’m going to continue with my plans and try not to feel awkwardly bad about it. Try being the operative word. I’m not quite succeeding yet.
Has your wedding made you feel guilty or bad about yourself?
All images personal unless otherwise noted