On July 2, 2010 we found out we were pregnant with a Little Pashmina.
Surprised? We were! Well, a little bit.
After two Clearblue Easy tests, this one was conclusive: pregnant!
I went to the pool to clear my head. Here, I am on the elevator about to see my husband. Can you see the giddy excitement as I am trying to put on a straight face?
The next 30 days leading up to the wedding were a whirlwind. They say that when you are pregnant you become forgetful/absentminded, as your body’s way to simplify your life and focus on growing a baby. That pretty much sums my experience up. I left so much to do close to the date. And pregnant amnesia, that pretty much applies to the wedding. It was really like a daydream!!
You probably have noticed that I have been putting off my wedding-day recaps. We got married way over a year ago, almost two! I can’t believe it has been so long! But now you know the main reason. I just couldn’t explain my wedding experience without including this major fact. So how could I write my recaps? I was preggers and no one knew.
But before you offer your congratulations, let me say that it isn’t good news. It wasn’t a successful pregnancy. I was absolutely thrilled about starting a family. But one week before we flew out to Catalina Island for our wedding, we had our first baby appointment at seven weeks along. There, we found out that our little sesame seed wasn’t the blueberry it should have been. It was one week smaller than it should be. Then, three days before we left, at a high-risk sonogram, the doctor noticed that the little one had a faint heartbeat.
We left for the wedding knowing that there was more than a 50% chance that during our wedding I would most likely miscarry. And we would be away from home, away from my doctor. I prayed and prayed nothing would happen. Each day went by and I still had terrible morning sickness”¦and that was a good sign. I thought things were developing. The wedding week went and passed. Then the next, our honeymoon week. Still no blood, no spotting, no miscarriage. Two days after we returned from our honeymoon, I had a follow-up appointment. I couldn’t wait to hear the great news: there was no need for concern and everything had worked itself out—the baby had caught up. But, unfortunately, before the doctor spoke I read the news all over her face. There was no heartbeat. No more baby. It had died, as thought, sometime two weeks before. Maybe even on our wedding day. I was 10 weeks.
And so”¦Little Pashmina is no longer.
I had something called a “missed miscarriage.” My body thought everything was fine and carried on thinking it was pregnant—there were no signs for me to tell that it stopped developing. This became problematic because something was dead inside me and wasn’t gotten rid of by itself, and it was for longer than the doctors would like. Within 24 hours after my appointment finding out the bad news, I went into surgery. I had a D&C to remove the tissue that my body still hadn’t expelled. It took me a month to feel OK. Two months to feel back to my old self physically.
My world crumbled. I went from so excited about getting married and about the next phase in our lives to sadness. Trying to process all this in the pre-wedding days in a new location with all our extended families knowing nothing. Then having surgery after I was sure things were fine. Then, the bad news got compounded at our post-surgery check up. They thought that something was wrong. I had an “unidentified mass.” It was either due to complications because of the miscarriage or that complications that led to the miscarriage. For four months my life was filled with dozens of office visits, and then there were two months of reproductive specialists, and a visit to an oncologist. Our first half a year as a married couple was overrun by procedures and a strong possibility of major surgery. This would not allow me to carry another baby for two years.
My mind kept on racing: “Would I ever even be able to have a baby?” Witnessing all the women at the reproductive endocrinologist made me think that it really doesn’t happen as easily as you are lead to believe. We try to protect ourselves from the chance of it happening for so long, but then what is unspoken for so many people is that it is hard to get pregnant, and even harder to keep it. I didn’t realize that. It is just not talked about.
But then my luck changed. All of a sudden my body worked everything out! All tests started coming out normal! No more mass. Everything was fine! It just took a couple of months!
Really, bodies are amazing.
So bear with me, hive! It is my second wedding anniversary on the 31st. Take my word for it—yes, there are posts on the way. Posts showing our beautiful destination wedding on Catalina Island, a really a magical isle. You must see how much fun we had. How beautiful it was. And how our planning really didn’t matter—what mattered was that we were getting married!
On a side note: I toyed with the idea of writing this post for a long time. Yeah, almost two years (so please be nice and don’t judge me). That is why I have really been dragging my feet. I finally decided that it would be better to write it than to pretend that everything has been OK.
In actuality, we didn’t have the wedding we planned for 15 months. Things fell apart because I just couldn’t do it, because I didn’t feel well due to morning sickness, and because nothing was as important as what I was going through. Right at the time that I had to do the most for the wedding, I couldn’t. So many projects got left undone. Then, I was so depressed because of impending miscarriage during the wedding week. Then, the scare of surgery after the wedding didn’t allow me really reflect on the experience of the wedding itself. But that is life. Really, that is how things go. All the prep you do never means that things will go as expected. Life is unexpected. Life is full of challenges.
But I don’t want to be too much of a downer. We did have a great time at the wedding!! We both tried our hardest to forget about it, and at times we really did. The wedding was a blast! Much more fun than I could have ever imagined. Really, besides being super forgetful and sick, I felt OK. I did think things were progressing with the pregnancy. It was right after the wedding that things got super sad! This was result of the miscarriage, and on top of that the complications. I never knew anyone that miscarried. Or, I didn’t think I did. But they say one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it is something that you need to be prepared for. It was a very scary and a very sad time in my life. Pretty much one of the lowest.
But what can you do? Life goes on, and so must The Pashminas. And for those of you who follow my Twitter, I am sure you know that things have really, really, looked up! We got pregnant five months after our wedding, just a month after getting the green light. On September 28th our baby boy was born. We call him our miracle baby, but it wasn’t a miracle—it was meant to happen.