9 Conversation Starters to Know Your Spouse Better

Two sets of hands holding cups of coffee on a wood table.

No matter how much time you’ve spent together before the wedding, you and your spouse will always have new things to learn about and from each other. To keep the conversation and learning process open, have a running list of questions to ask each other that you don’t already know the answers to. Not only is this a great way to build a deeper knowledge about your husband or wife and strengthen your connection, but it can be a fun way to kill time on things like car trips or to keep each other away from your phones as you’re relaxing in bed at the end of the day. Here’s nine questions to get you started, whether you’re newlyweds or have been married 10 years.

1. What is your dream (house/car/place to live) and why?

This question allows you two to daydream together. As you begin your married life together, daydreaming about specific place you want to live or cars you want to drive gives you both something to work towards together.

2. What are some of your most cherished memories as a child?

This is a nice way to talk about childhood without distinctly talking about parenting. Ideally, you two already know where the other person stands on having kids, but if either of you are still “on the fence,” talking about childhood can sometimes naturally lead to an honest conversation about potential parenting scenarios.

3. Who is your closest friend and what do you like about them?

Especially if you don’t share a friend group, you and your spouse may have some catching up to do on each other’s friends. Try to get to know your new spouse’s long-time friends well enough to feel like you know and like them yourself.

4. What does your perfect weekend look like?

Some young adults standing around the BBQ laughing.

Not only are you now spending lots of your weekends together, but it also can be really telling to learn what someone sees as a great day off work. Often, people like to spend their leisure time in very different ways; you may have noticed this before the wedding, but now it may be even more clear! By asking this question directly, you can see why you might have not have lined up on your goals for enjoying the weekends—but now you can come to compromises.

5. If you could make one major change to the way the world works, what would it be?

Rather than making each other summarize your political views, this question allows you to work in positive, affirming tones. Steer away, when possible, from topics that make you unhappy or stressed, and instead focus on the major changes that would delight you both. Sometimes, it’s easier to find political common ground with your spouse when you can get excited about a particular solution to a big problem in the world together.

6. What are your pet peeves when it comes to tidiness or household order?

Most of us cannot name these immediately, but if you and your spouse are only beginning to live together now, you can both probably name a few things around the house that you didn’t know would bother you. Starting this conversation early can allow you to both mention any odd quirks you have before they become full annoyances. This way, you start developing your routines together early based on what the other person appreciates (or doesn’t!).

7. Do you have an interest in getting a pet, and why or why not?

A small dog sitting between its owners who are laying on a blanket in a park.

If you and your spouse don’t already have pets that are joining your combined family, a fun conversation can be what kind of pet appeals to you and how you’d like to care for it together. Be it a big fluffy dog or a simple swimming goldfish, a pet can add a fun spark to your household and, almost more importantly, talking about it can give you a chance to practice your diplomacy skills with each other.

8. What makes you feel the most loved?

This may seem like a mushy-gushy question, but a lot of us discover that our “love languages” are slightly out of tune with our spouse’s. While you may prefer to verbally compliment your husband or wife as a way of showing love, they may actually prefer you do the dishes instead! Focus on the many moments when you’ve felt loved by each other, and see what those common threads are.

9. What do you like about your work and what would you like to change about it?

Getting good at listening to each other talk about work (whether it’s paid work, home-based work, or caregiving) is an essential skill, since you are each other’s first ear after a tough day. Start getting to know where each other stands at work right now, and what they’d love to see change over time. Work together to see all jobs as evolving, and to find ways to support each other if you need to make changes in your work life.

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