What to Do if You’re Not Happy With Your Married Sex Life

A young couple in bed ignoring each other as they're on their phones.

When you first get married, everything about your relationship seems like something out of a fairy tale. You get dressed up in some of the nicest clothes you’ll ever wear, have one of the most glamorous parties you’ll ever have, and then jet set to a romantic location for a week or so of romance. And once you arrive at your destination, things tend to get hot and heavy. You kiss in the middle of a tropical rainstorm, get busy at every hour of the day, and spend hours lounging in bed with your spouse, marveling at the fact that this will be your life forever after…

However, every married couple knows that this honeymoon period is bound to pass. Eventually, inevitably, the minutiae of everyday life will become a big, wet blanket smothering your romantic sparks. In fact, one day you might discover that you’re no longer happy with your sex life! What do you do when this happens? Firstly, don’t panic; this happens to a lot of couples, and most of them find a way to rekindle that flame. Here are a few tips to help you and your spouse out of a sexual slump.

Talk About It

A young couple sitting on a grassy hill at night overlooking the lights of a town below.

If you’re unhappy with the sex in your marriage, the first thing you need to do is talk with your spouse about it. After all, it takes two to tango, and it’s much easier to fix a problem if you’re both on the same page. Now, this may be an uncomfortable conversation; sex is a very intimate, personal thing, and no one wants to tell the person they love that they aren’t feeling satisfied. However, communication is key to developing intimacy—both in and out of the bedroom.

Be very open with your spouse about what is and isn’t working for you in the bedroom. Focus on what you need (“I feel like I want this…”) instead of placing blame (“You don’t do that…”), and make sure you listen to your partner’s feelings, as well. This will make it easier to rebuild your sex life in a way you both enjoy.

Figure out What You Want

A woman's hand with a diamond ring on it as she's walking through a field.

As I just mentioned, when you talk to your spouse about your sex life, it’s important to focus on what’s missing for you. You’re the one feeling dissatisfied (or, at least, you’re the one talking about it); therefore, you need to have some idea of how to solve the problem.

How do you figure out what’s missing from your sex life? Take some time to reflect and figure out what it is your looking for. This can take many forms: learning what you like through masturbation, spicing things up with new toys, or even simply making more time for getting busy. Whatever it is you need from your marriage, you need to make sure that you offer a few suggestions to your spouse. Simply saying “I’m unhappy with our sex life” without a potential solution will only leave you both feeling frustrated.

Recreate the Magic

A young couple walking on a tropical beach.

Here’s one thing that every couple in a sexual slump has in common: they didn’t always feel this way. In fact, every couple who feels a lull likely had a great sex life at one point¯that’s how they can tell things are off-kilter now!

Over the course of a marriage, the things that were once new and exciting can become old hat. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t recreate the magic of the hottest and heaviest moments in your relationship! Think about the things you loved in the beginning—a certain romantic getaway, a spontaneous tryst—and try to recreate some of that magic.

Sex psychologists say that simply talking about past sexual experiences can help reignite a spark between couples. Review your highlight reel together, talking about your favorite romantic and passionate memories. You just might find that you can feel that honeymoon passion without taking a vacation or hooking up somewhere scandalous (although, if you want to do either of those things, don’t let me stop you).

Turn up the Touch Factor

A young couple holding hands on a walk outside in nature.

Let’s say you’ve talked with your partner and realized you both want to be more intimate. But no matter what you try, life seems to get in the way; you have young kids, a big project has you putting in extra hours at work, you just don’t have the funds available for a romantic getaway. What can you do to up the intimacy in your marriage without…getting intimate?

If you don’t have time to get down and dirty with the love of your life, do your best to show them that you care with a more innocent touch. Hold hands more often. Make sure you hug each other before heading to the office. Snuggle up on the couch. While these little moments may not be the mind-blowing passion you’re looking for, they can help you reestablish physical intimacy with your spouse—and that will help improve your sex life in the long run.

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