When expressing doubt or concern over your relationship, how many times have you heard this one: how is your sex life? For many couples, regular intimacy with their partner is the truest indication of a healthy, flourishing relationship. If sex happens frequently and both parties are fully engaged, the couple continues to feel connected. But if intimacy is petering out, it can indicate relationship troubles or even health or lifestyle problems affecting sex drive.
But what exactly is “normal” in a healthy sex life? The short answer is that there is none. People are people and sex is sex. Never let someone else decide “the rule” for you; if you are in a committed relationship, it is up to you and your partner to work our your own normal.

Changing Frequency

Intimacy in your relationship will flucutate over time and even from week to week. Your sex life might start off so voracious that you are making love every night or even a couple of times per day. This is pretty typical of a new relationship, but even that depends on the couple, their circumstances, and when they can get together. However, very few couples maintain such a frequent routine over a prolonged period.

Expect your frequency to taper off the longer you are in a committed relationship. This doesn’t mean you love one another less or that you’ve become any less attractive. Like almost anything, your enthusiasm will often find a stasis after the initial “honeymoon period.”

Unfortunately, it’s more than just time that will affect how often you have sex, but these need to be on your mind when trying to assess the health of your sex life.

Factors Affecting Frequency

Personal Preference

The biggest consideration you need to take into account is your sexual appetite verses your partner’s. Simply put, one of you may want it more often than the other, and sometimes this can actually be a huge turn off. Always make sure the two of you are open about discussing preferences. Just refusing your partner’s advances isn’t the best long-term solution because it communicates nothing about the larger issue. There is nothing wrong with saying you don’t feel well or even telling them you are not in the mood, but if there is a difference in how often you two want to have sex, this needs to be in the open. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship in the sex department.

What happens if your sexual appetite is not the same as your partners? What if they want it more than you do? There is nothing wrong with having different sexual appetites in a relationship. Both of you will need to be understanding about the other’s situation and offer some compromise. For example, does your partner really want to have sex or can intimacy be obtained in other ways? Snuggling, laying your head on their chest and talking, touching, or even kissing may be enough of a middle ground.

Age

Old people never have sex, right? Wrong. Getting older doesn’t mean you’re suddenly less likely to be intimate with your partner. However, with age comes changes in health that can sometimes negatively impact one’s sex drive.

Some adults entering their 40s and 50s may experience hormonal changes, such as low testosterone in men, that can cause fluctations in their sex drive. Medications for health issues that can crop up later in life can also have averse side-effects on sex drive. It’s important to discuss all side-effects of new medications and any health changes with your doctor to know whether this is a problem you can tackle.

Lifestyle Changes

As the relationship develops, it can be more difficult to make time for frequent sex during a seven day period. Are you living together or in separate households? If there are two apartments in the mix, this makes it harder to get together, especially when you consider the commute.

Have either of you gotten a new job recently? Or a promotion? Or maybe one of you has just been working a lot of overtime? Your work schedule is a necessary evil that will often threaten to take time away from your relationship. If you’re worried about a decline in your recent sexual activity, try looking here for one of the most frequent culprits.

Outside activities will also have an effect on the number of times sex will happen. If one of you has taken on a hobby or some extra commitments such as schooling, more gym time, or a new book club, this will definitely cause your sex life to go through some more fluctuations.

Children

It can be hard enough finding time for each other when it’s just the two of you, but throwing kids into the mix makes it that much more difficult. Do one or your significant other have kids at home? If so, how old are they? Infants don’t always have to affect your frequency of sex, but older children most certainly will. Tiptoeing around their schedules to avoid potentially awkward situations will make an already busy schedule even trickier to navigate. Your normal needs to take this into account.

Discovering your “normal” can be a challenge with so many things to consider, but it’s important for keeping your relationship in perspective. Normal is a state of mind for the individuals involved. There is no set formula for what is healthy when it comes to how many times per week a couple has sex. Your normal is not my normal, so don’t put a number in a box based on what you think is the right answer. Find your own rhythm first, talk with your partner openly and honestly about your sex life, and work together to establish your number. If it’s once a week, once every two weeks, or even once a day, it doesn’t matter. Be open-minded to what sex means to you and find your own answer.

Lulls in relationships can happen, especially in marriages. Life gets in the way. Work gets busy and suddenly you’re not focused on each other at all. Just trying to keep a balanced life between work and home can cause your romance to flicker out. If you want to get the romantic fires glowing again, there are a lot of ideas you can try. You and your partner just have to be willing to experiment and try some new things. “New” is the key word here. Bringing some fresh air back into your relationship will fuel a romantic fire in no time.

Spend More Time with Each Other

It’s normal that life gets busy and sometimes you’re not able to commit to one-on-one time. When you start to feel the romance fizzle, it’s time to make a little space in your schedule. Seems obvious, but committing to spending more time together is important.

Say Nice Things to Each Other

Say nice things to each other and about each other. Start complimenting your partner more frequently. Remember all the things that attracted you to one another and write them down. Revisit the polite and flirty banter you once had to perk things up. This is a great exercise, especially if you or your partner hasn’t been feeling supported. It’s hard to be romantic when you don’t feel like your partner is on your side.

Fun Trust Exercises

These can be really simple exercises such as doing a trust fall. Do something silly together that involves a test of trust. Have your spouse do something you would normally do, and challenge yourself not to give them directions. You can make it sexual if you want. Take your trust exercise to the bedroom with fun items like ice cubes or hot wax.

Don’t Talk about Work

Some couples fall into a rut where they come home. They talk about work, do the dishes, and then go to bed. Not very sexy. It’s a normal routine, but it’s not very conducive to romance. Try not to discuss work, politics, or news. Force yourselves to talk about other topics to get you out of the same old routine conversations.

Question Challenges

If you absolutely can’t think of things to talk about anymore, try a question challenge. These are lists of interesting questions to ask your partner that help you get to know a person better. You never know, you may find out things you never knew about them before, which can be exciting, You could also play other fun word games like Never Have I Ever or Heads Up.

Create Something Together

You’d be surprised how intimate it feels to create something with your partner. Try making something together whether that’s a new recipe or even a handicraft. Pick out a DIY project for your home to create something with lasting memories.

Dress Up and Go Out

You can improve your romance by selecting nice outfits for each other and going out for a night on the town. Get all dressed up in what your partner wants to see you in and go to that nice restaurant. Treat yourselves to a fun night together.

Turn Off Your Phones

Turn your phones off for an entire evening together. Nowadays, the smartphone can really get in the way of a true connection with your partner. This goes for anything else that is distracting like video games, sports, or Netflix. Turn off the distractions and turn on the romance.

Start a New Hobby Together

It’s important to have your own life, and it’s nice to have your own interests, but what hobbies do you share together? Do you bond over shared interests and activities? If not, try some new hobbies together. Shared interests will make you feel closer and more intimate with your partner, giving you both something to look forward to.

Do Something You Used to Do

Remember when you first started dating and you felt that romantic spark? Try bringing back the feeling by revisiting the things you used to do together at that time in your relationship. When you were first dating, was there a restaurant where you dined frequently? Were you both fond of going out for karaoke with your friends? Do those fun activities together again to get back into the mindset of when you were falling in love.

Get Out of Town

Try getting away together for the weekend. Now with Airbnb and other home share websites, you don’t have an excuse not to get out of town. Make time for each other in a place that isn’t your home. Getting away from your routine gives you the chance to have new experiences together.

It’s not always easy to keep the romance alive, whether you’re a newlywed or you’ve been together for years. If you are willing to try some of these ideas, you can bring interest and romance back into your relationship. Just because the romance is gone for now, doesn’t mean it’s gone for good. Try a few of these simple ideas and your flame can be rekindled. You just have to find the right match to get the fire started!

Virgin or not, the wedding night conjures up all kinds of excitement and nervous energy. This is the night, the one you’ve been anticipating for a long time, so it’s only natural that you want everything to be perfect.

Whether you’ve never slept together before or you’ve slept together a thousand times, everyone wants his or her wedding night to go smoothly. Remember, even if something doesn’t go 100 percent perfectly on your wedding night, it doesn’t mean that your marriage or your sex life is doomed. The best way to really get rid of the wedding night jitters is to be open and honest with your spouse and talk about what your expectations and anxieties are. Above all, remember to have fun and try to relax. Sex isn’t the most important aspect of marriage or the wedding night, but it’s certainly one that should be enjoyed and savored.

Let’s talk about all the ways to make your wedding night memorable.

It Doesn’t Have to be Outrageous

Despite what you’ve seen in movies and read about in books, your wedding night doesn’t have to be completely over-the-top with rose petals, champagne, and candles everywhere. The two of you have just made a commitment to spend your lives together—the romance element takes care of itself.

Of course, making your wedding night a little extra special is a good plan. However,you don’t have to feel like there is a requirement to put on a big production. On the flip side, don’t be disappointed if your new husband or wife hasn’t arranged for all of the bravado you might be expecting. Just being together is what matters the most.

Book a Nice, Comfortable Hotel Suite

Even if you’re not going on a honeymoon, you should still enjoy your wedding night in style. If it’s in your budget, book a suite at the fanciest hotel in town, or make arrangements to stay at a bed and breakfast. Ask the receptionist if they have a special deal for honeymooners. They might have a romantic package that includes champagne, rose petals, or something else special for newlyweds.

Above all, make sure the room is private. Put up the Do Not Disturb sign so that no one knocks on the door wanting to change out your towels, killing the mood in the process.

Wear Something Special for the Occasion

You’ll already be wearing your wedding gown when you get to your hotel room, but have something in your suitcase that’s ready to go for the wedding night. Many brides take this opportunity to wear the lingerie that they got from their friends at the bachelorette party.

Wearing sexy lingerie will make you feel more confident, and your new spouse will definitely enjoy it as well. Not into lingerie? Just ditch it for wearing absolutely nothing at all. The response will be overwhelming.

Plan for Protection

For all the virgins out there, it’s important to think about what kind of protection you’ll want to use on the wedding night. If you’re planning on taking birth control, be sure to plan ahead to allow time for it be effective. Generally, it takes about five to seven days after taking the pills to protect you from an unplanned pregnancy. Visit your OBGYN a couple of months ahead of your wedding to talk to them about your contraception options.

If you choose not to take birth control, be sure that you have planned for other forms of protection like condoms. It’s good to have a frank discussion with your future spouse ahead of the wedding night on how you would like to prevent pregnancy, unless you plan on starting a family right away.

Take a Few Minutes to Calm Down

If you’re feeling pretty nervous about the wedding night, do a few de-stressing activities to calm down. Light some candles, have a glass of wine, do some yoga, or snuggle on the couch and watch a movie with your new spouse.

There’s no rush. You don’t have to cross the threshold into your hotel room and immediately pounce on each other—unless you want to! You have all night, so it’s fine to take it slow. You can take your time to get to the main event.

It’s Perfectly Fine to Not Have Sex On Your Wedding Night

Yeah, we said it. Listen, you’re probably going to be tired as a dog on the night of your wedding. You’ve probably been up since the crack of dawn primping and making last-minute arrangements. You’ve also been working hard to plan this wedding for the last year (or more), so it’s completely understandable if you don’t want to seal the deal on your wedding night.

In fact, according to an article on Women’s Health Magazine, 52 percent of couples said in a survey that they didn’t have sex on their wedding nights. Most of them were either too tired, too drunk, or wanted to keep the party going with their friends.

The great thing about sex is that it has no expiration date. It will be just as good the day after the wedding!

The wedding is a few short weeks away, but sex between you and your partner has stalled. Now what? The stress of wedding planning can get to anyone. The dress, the caterers, the photographer, tuxes for the groom and groomsmen, your parents, his or her parents—all of these things can cause your stress levels to escalate and make any intimacy seem forced. Yet, for most couples, happiness in the bedroom and happiness in the marriage go hand in hand.

Don’t bottle your frustrations and settle for whatever you can get. Communication between you and your partner is key to reviving your stalled sex life.

Share the Work of Wedding Planning

Even if you’re an expert at planning, budget management, crisis management, and everything else, it’s important that you don’t take the entire burden on your shoulders.

Generally, most men marrying women are not very involved in the planning process. If you ask them about anything, they may say, “I don’t care. Just tell me when and where to be and I’ll be there. I want to marry you. I don’t really care how it happens.” or “weddings are for the ladies.” They might not feel they are allowed an opinion, or they may not have much of an opinion, but the stress of planning could drive a huge wedge between you and your partner that translates into not having meaningful sex for a long time.

With same-sex couples, the “assigned” roles aren’t as strict. There are less expectations surrounding who should do what with the planning, so it can be easier to share the work load. However, this doesn’t mean these couples are immune to the same planning pitfalls.

Be honest if you’re getting overwhelmed, or just ask for support from the beginning. Even if your partner doesn’t have opinions on colors and table-settings, it will be time well-spent together to discuss it. It may lift some of that weight off of your shoulders.

Talk It Over

Sometimes clearing the air between the two of you is all it takes. Tension over planning issues or family drama can easily put you at odds with one another and ruin what little time alone you have. Don’t be afraid to voice your concerns and frustrations with your partner in a healthy and constructive way. It’s the first step to a solution.

If sex has been an issue for some time, you might need to dig deeper to dissect what is really going on. Does he or she want different things from your sexual encounters than you do? Have you discussed what you enjoy or don’t enjoy when it comes to sex? Everyone likes different things! Maybe you enjoy being given oral sex, but they don’t seem to like performing it. Does your partner like oral sex? Do you enjoy giving it? Some people have an aversion to put their mouth on someone else’s genitals. If your partner doesn’t know this about you, it can cause feelings of resentment. Both of you need to know what’s going on. You can’t read each other’s minds.

Experiment With Something New

What about trying different positions? Missionary is the most common sexual position, and it’s the one we all probably started with. It may be the only one you know, and that’s okay. However, it’s not the only one out there. Doing something as simple as changing up how you have sex can make the experience into something completely new and exciting.

For women, try something that might hit that magical spot. Yes, it is there. It is not a figment of your imagination. It’s not always in the same area in every woman, but if you have the right angle and the exact amount of penetration, you can hit the spot. Believe me, it is worth trying for.

What about having your partner behind you and penetration from that angle? Sometimes if your partner is taller, or has longer legs, you might have to work on the angle a bit. Try over the side of the bed, use a step stool, or move your legs a little further apart. And there is nothing wrong with self-stimulation. Help yourself along and see what happens. You might enjoy this position a lot more than you thought you would.

Being on top is always an option as well. You might find this harder than you thought if your legs aren’t in shape. It is one heck of a work out on the thighs. You can control the amount of penetration and the angle with this position, so that’s a benefit for many women.

Another position to try is with the man behind you while the woman lays on her side. He can move down a bit and hit some pretty interesting spots as he the thrusts. If you are into hair pulling, he can sure get a fistful of hair from this direction.

Of course, there is always anal as well (although this may be more typical for same-sex male couples). If you have never tried this, you might be missing out on an awesome scenario. It is not for everyone, don’t get me wrong, but it could be worth a try. The secret to enjoying anal for most people is lots and lots of lubrication. It is going to be a bit painful at first, but once penetration has been achieved, it is a sensation you can’t describe. Just be extra vigilant in taking care of yourself to prevent unnecessary pain or infection.

Always Make Time for Each Other

With family commitments and the chaos of planning on top of your already busy lives, it’s easy for a week without sex to turn into three or four. Then, you realize you haven’t had date night in three months.

Take time for yourselves to get away even for a night, somewhere special, where you can leave all the wedding planning behind for a few hours. Go out to dinner, rent a nice hotel room, grab a bottle of wine, a jetted tub, and relax. Spend some time just the two of you.

For the most part, if sex has stalled at this point in the wedding preparations, most of the time it is due to the stress and all-consuming nature of wedding planning. Remember, whatever you want for your big day will work itself out in the end. The whole point of the ceremony is to celebrate your lives together. Nothing is more important than you two together. If you don’t put in the effort now, this could be a point of contention early in your brand new marriage.

Open relationships are often seen as a truly mysterious, impossible-to-understand (never mind navigate!) thing. But the truth is, healthy open relationships are much like healthy monogamous relationships in that they involve strong communication, respect, and understanding.

“Open Relationship” Is a Blanket Term

It’s important to know, right off the bat, that even the term “open relationship” encompasses many, many different types of non-monogamous situations. For some, this means each individual in the couple is able to have some “one night stands” outside of their relationship, while for others it can mean establishing whole, romantic relationships with other partners, or even including another partner in a relationship with both members of the couple. None of these examples is right or wrong—they are all about what works best for the couple and their outside partners—it’s just important to start here so we know that there is no “one way” to have an open relationship.

Communication

One of the absolute most important things to have in any kind of relationship, but perhaps most especially in an open relationship, is strong, consistent communication. Some non-monogamous folks choose to have one “primary” relationship and other “secondary” relationships, where their primary partner is a spouse, life partner, or someone to whom they are committed in whatever way works best for them, and their secondary or non-primary partners are something they may still be very much committed to, but who often don’t have as many legal, emotional, or financial ties to the couple.

Regardless of whether we’re talking about primary or non-primary relationships, non-monogamy simply will not work if communication is not continually developed and put at the forefront of each of the relationships in question. Since people do not have stagnant needs, wants, and personalities, it is crucial to keep the lines of communication open to make sure everyone involved in the relationships is feeling happy, healthy, and comfortable.

Ground Rules and Boundaries

Most of the time, couples within an open relationship will establish ground rules for what they are and are not comfortable with within the confines of their open relationship. These boundaries—whether about sexual behavior, general intimacy, or anything else that feels important to the individuals involved—must be given the utmost respect so that each party feels safe and comfortable as the relationship evolves, grows, and changes. It needs to be okay for any partner to revisit or adapt these rules at any time. Now, of course, if all parties cannot come to an agreement on these ground rules, then it may not be possible for the open relationship to work. Therefore it is incredibly important that these are brought to the forefront and agreed on by all parties. As I said before, these can always be adapted and amended, but that’s where the communication piece comes in again – these core rules must be considered a primary importance.

Respect

The reality of non-monogamous relationships is that they have the potential to get really difficult at times. So many hypothetical things could happen. You could begin to pursue an open relationship, but then one member of the couple changes their mind, or one person could end up loving it and another could end up hating it. You could push each other’s boundaries or make choices based only on what one member of the couple wants rather than both. This is why, along with communication and established boundaries, it is incredibly important to keep the respect and care of your partner or partners as a very high priority in an open relationship.

This means respecting pre-established boundaries, yes, but it also means allowing for renegotiation of those boundaries as time goes on, and constant consideration of not just your own wants and needs, but your partners’ as well. It is imperative that everything involved in an open relationship is reciprocal and balanced to the comfort level of everyone involved.

Of course, protecting yourself and your partner in the case of multiple sexual partners is incredibly important as well. Protection and regular testing will go a long way to make sure you and your partners’ are able to have a happy, healthy open relationship with little to no stress about it affecting each other’s personal health.

But Is It Really Possible?

Many people hear about others being in open relationships, but question whether it’s actually possible to sustain a healthy open relationship. Well, of course it is! It may require an extra amount of focus, communication, and respect, but with some clear boundaries in place and the ability to adjust and update them as needed, it is absolutely possible to pursue a non-monogamous relationship and have a positive experience doing it.

Have you been involved in an open or non-monogamous relationship? Were you able to navigate the boundaries in a way that felt comfortable and safe for all parties? We’d love to hear more about it below!

Everyone has a vision in their mind of what the wedding night will look like. Without getting too graphic, you probably imagined something like champagne, music, a hot tub, and maybe even some rose petals on the bed. But the truth is that often the wedding night fantasy doesn’t quite match up with reality.

Although plenty of couples do have a romantic evening on their first night as newlyweds, many others are too exhausted or too emotional to get intimate. The movies may make the wedding night out to be this grand romantic experience, but more often than not it ends with the two of you foraging for food anywhere that’s open and falling asleep in your wedding dress.

Here are a couple of things you can really expect at the end of your wedding night.

Extreme Physical Hunger

Although the newlywed couple typically gets to go through the buffet line first or is saved a special plate, it’s pretty rare that you’ll actually get to eat much at the wedding. Through all of the dancing, champagne toasts, and visiting with all of your relatives (including your chatty great aunt who you haven’t seen since you were five), it’s hard to be able to experience everything at your wedding, let alone eat.

It’s pretty likely that at the end of the night, you’ll be craving a bunch of tacos rather than a memorable first night as a newlywed (or maybe both if you’re not too tired!). And if you’re not getting married in a big city, the search for food may lead you into the next town over or possibly the vending machines at the hotel you’re staying at. Though your night might not be champagne and roses, you’ll still always remember eating Oreos in your wedding dress at two in the morning with your new spouse.

Complete and Utter Exhaustion

The best weddings are ones that make it look effortless, but it takes so much work to get them there. After weeks and months of eating, sleeping, and breathing everything weddings, when you make it to the finish line you might just not have a lot left in you at the end of the night.

Even if you have an evening wedding, you are probably planning on getting up at the crack of dawn to get started with hair, makeup, and just enjoying time with your bridesmaids. You’ll also probably be fielding calls from your planner or your vendors, trying to ensure that everything is going to come together for the event.

Between pre-wedding planning, getting ready, and then going through the ceremony and reception, it’ll probably be a miracle if you don’t fall asleep on top of the cake.

In addition to the physical exhaustion you’ll feel, getting married is also emotionally exhausting. You are making a huge commitment to another person: to spend the rest of your life eating cereal with them, putting up with their snoring, and pledging to be a family. You’ll be surprised at how jittery and nervous you’ll feel (even if you are over-the-moon excited). After the wedding is over, you might just feel exhausted because you’ve completed a really monumental life step.

You Might Not be In the Mood

There are a whole other multitude of reasons why you might not be feeling intimate on your wedding night, such as too much champagne, your Spanx made your skin really itchy, or maybe you started your period the day before (perfect timing as always).

If you’re going into your wedding night completely inexperienced in intimacy, it’s also completely natural to feel extremely nervous. Not only did you just commit your life to someone, but you’re also going to be taking another really huge step in your relationship. If you’re too anxious or too tired, don’t feel bad about not having sex on your wedding night. After all, you’ll have the whole honeymoon!

It’s Really OK Not to Have Sex on Your Wedding Night

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to have sex on your wedding night. Your wedding night is full of romance—kissing for the first time as official and legally bound spouses, dancing the night away under the stars, and champagne toasts—but it’s also a completely exhausting day. You probably woke up at the crack of dawn to get things prepared. You’ve probably spent the last few weeks and months planning, crafting, and emotionally preparing for your wedding.

If you don’t have sex the night of your wedding—guess what? You have the rest of your lives to be intimate. Real intimacy is always best when you’re not just going through the motions because you feel like you have to. You may not have the romantic night you thought you would on your wedding night, but maybe later when you’re well rested and well fed, it’ll be one for the books.

There are times when women experience pain during or after sex, and the story we always hear is “Oh. That’s normal.” The problem is that this isn’t always true, and some women can disregard serious issues with their bodies because of this misconception. In truth, there can be many reasons for your pain, some ordinary and some not. We’re here to shed a little more light on this part of the sexual experience and to bust some of these false ideas about the female body. … read more

We’ve all had them—questions we were too afraid to ask our parents or friends. With our society being relatively tight-lipped on the subject of sex, it’s no surprise that many of our unanswered questions come from our private lives. Don’t worry; you can get some answers without ever having to ask! … read more

Starting a family is a huge commitment, emotionally and financially, and it’s more important than ever for young couples to carefully plan this part of their future. This includes using birth control to ensure accidental pregnancy does not happen. … read more

Sex after menopause can be uncomfortable. The loss of estrogen and progesterone in a woman’s following menopause can cause many changes that affect sex drive. … read more